


force of habit

by monamis



Category: K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, Seulgi-centric, actually yknow what its getting angstier than planned, but it's balanced by fluff, only a little angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-06-04 20:44:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6674890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monamis/pseuds/monamis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things that Seulgi comes to know best about Seungwan, but there are others that she misses completely.</p><p>She doesn't know when exactly she started crushing on her groupmate. Although, she supposes it might have been around the same time she started keeping mental records of each and every one of said member's little habits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. cold shoulders

**Author's Note:**

> Set in the idolverse, therefore drawing on canon things and reading between the lines with goggles of delusion.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungwan likes leaning on her shoulder. Seulgi doesn't know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on AFF, might as well post it here too…

Their debut promotions are barely ending when she first notices it.

Initially it was just a passing thing: a random occurrence that happened every so often during interviews and the like. Nothing significant, and nothing to really think much of.

Then it became regular, and eventually people began to notice.

(And then Seulgi got that one UFO message asking her about it — one that she responded to with utmost honesty, because why not?)

So, now what everyone and their grandmother seems to know is that Seungwan has a tendency to lean on Seulgi’s shoulder.

More specifically, her left one.

And it's becoming a habit.

Now, Seulgi's not complaining about it. After all, how can she when it's Seungwan? Despite some lingering awkwardness with her whole 'limited skinship' policy, the warmth of the shorter girl has quickly become more familiar than anything over the past couple of years. Plus Seulgi won’t admit it out loud, but she finds the notion flattering.

And endearing. But that’s another matter entirely.

Truth be told, she appreciates it — being depended on. Living as the maknae of her family as well as a family of trainees has had its perks and all, but there’s a certain appeal to being someone that can be relied on for something. Even if that something is essentially acting as a buffer for Seungwan's frequent moments of bashfulness.

Sure, it’s not the same as being relied upon like Joohyun is for quiet companionship, Sooyoung for wisecracking logic, and Yerim for more emotional insight. But Seungwan's kind of a combination of all three, so of course Seulgi allows her ego to flare a little in the face of having Wendy Son — power vocalist, Obama Award genius, possible real-life angel, and cooking extraordinaire — being reliant on her.

Honestly, she likes it.

(Well — she likes it a little too much.)

It's becoming increasingly more often now that she finds herself waiting for a familiar weight to settle on her shoulder; punctuated with a body that's always standing too close and yet not close enough. Interviews, video messages, and all sorts of mundane things are made warmer and easier with Seungwan by her side, because she always seems to gravitate towards Seulgi at her most awkward. Or maybe it's the other way around.

In any case, by the time they've had their first comeback with Yerim, it's happened so often that she’s lost count of how many times she’s felt the ever-familiar presence of Seungwan to her left, always a little behind or beside her. It’s really kind of adorable, and it’s part of why Seulgi finds herself looking for spaces next to Seungwan during every event that calls for it.

It's also why she starts noticing every time Seungwan doesn't lean on her.

Like when they’re at another music festival after their 'The Red' promotions, and once Seungwan's finished singing a snippet of their sunbae's song she half-expects to feel her duck behind Seulgi slightly with that overly adorable look of embarrassment on her face. But then she doesn't, and Seulgi's quiet disappointment is only remedied later when Seungwan embraces her with a blanket backstage, murmuring something about cold weather into her shoulder as the taller girl tries to hide her grin with a pat on her head.

It’s silly, really — all the actions that Seulgi suddenly becomes hyperaware of. Just because Seungwan happens to lean on her a lot doesn’t mean she’ll lean on her all the time.

And just because she tends to catch Seungwan giving her a particular kind of look doesn’t mean she feels the same way about it, too.

(Except sometimes it almost does. Like when Seungwan's brushing loose strands from her face or turning to sing to her during their harmonies and duets, or when their gazes hold one another and linger like a record pausing right before the first verse.)

Really though, it’s not her fault for second-guessing herself over a fellow member when said member looks and acts like how Seungwan does. Seulgi's not so naive as to think that 'Prince Charming's truly exist, but Seungwan's pretty close.

Thing is — as if reconsidering her own inclinations wasn't bad enough — Seulgi often finds herself wondering about Seungwan and her personal preferences.

She notices innocent little things at first. From the way Seungwan quietly fusses over their leader to the way she speaks so freely with their fans about marriage proposals and love confessions, regardless of gender. There's also the fact that Seulgi's caught her staring at some girls' lips and hands and legs for a bit too long, but that could well just be her own delusions. Still, there are the few occasions where she's walked in on Seulgi changing, because Seulgi still hasn't learned the importance of locking doors that aren't part of the bathroom.

Seungwan's reaction is always instant, and always the same. Her eyes would go still and unseeing and her cheeks would flush bright red, and she'd stand there for approximately two blank seconds before blinking rapidly and babbling a string of words that sound vaguely like apologies. Seulgi would watch in amusement, not really paying attention to what she's saying because she's usually caught between either cooing over the sheer adorable and smirking at the flustered state of their resident reaction queen.

It's times like that when she really starts to believe her theory, because girls who only like guys would probably respond similar to Sooyoung, who consistently gives her deadpan stares before promptly leaving with a mutter of "shameless dumb bear", or something along those lines.

Honestly speaking though, Seulgi often finds herself hoping that it really is just all in her head.

It would probably sting less if it was, because for all the loving warmth that Seungwan radiates, anyone with eyes can see that she has a special soft spot for one Bae Joohyun.

(And anyone with a brain could connect the dots pretty quickly when considering the possibility of Seungwan genuinely seeing girls that way.)

The thing about Joohyun is that she's probably the most perfect female Seulgi's seen and has had the fortune to know, because she's a kind beauty as much as she's a domestic goddess and charming prankster extraordinaire. Heck, Seulgi sometimes wonders why she didn't just crush on Joohyun instead.

But no matter how hard she tries to shake her, Seungwan always comes crashing back like waves into the shoreline of her mind. Normally it's just a passing thought on how Seungwan is total crush material too, and that just spirals into listing a mental account of all her 'total crush' qualities. Then sometimes Seungwan — real, physical, totally crush-worthy Seungwan — is the one who invades her thoughts with a prod on her arm or a head on her shoulder and a "What are you thinking about?" murmured into her ear.

Frankly, she doesn't get it. One moment Seungwan will be like that — stuck to her like glue, fussing over her hair and her clothes and holding onto Seulgi like she's the only pillar of strength she needs. Then Seulgi blinks, and suddenly Seungwan's enraptured by Joohyun's heart eyes all over again. She doesn't suppose it's truly bitterness or jealousy that causes her to frown to herself whenever it happens.

It's just…confusion. Plain confusion.

Seungwan's confusing, and Seulgi feels the need to figure her out. And that's where the habits come in.

Because for all the care and attention that Seungwan gives out like free candy, Seulgi finds herself becoming more and more attuned to the way she acts when she's the one who needs affection. She develops a habit of observing Seungwan's habits: the leaning, the fidgeting, the nervous ticks, the restless taps of fingers drumming against every surface she happens to be touching.

Of course, throughout it all she sees how Seungwan depends on them — her family, she's called them — to be there for her when she needs comfort. Sometimes she sees Yerim and Sooyoung cheering her on with bright smiles and brighter laughter, and other times she sees Seungwan's grateful smile being directed at her, squeezing her arm ever so slightly and leaning into her just that much more.

Mostly she sees Joohyun, who supports her as silently as she always does, except with soft words and softer eyes and some kind of gaze that ever fails to make Seungwan flustered.

Eventually Seulgi starts actively trying to find all sorts of opportunities to support her too, in any way possible. It had started with several things. Among them was the previous year, with a valiant attempt at cooking seaweed soup on Seungwan's birthday, which ended with Joohyun having to intervene and cook it herself and "How the hell did you manage to set fire to a pot of boiling water?"

She had decided to hold off on more grandiose gestures from that point, which left her stumped for a while. When it comes down to it she's not good with words like Seungwan is, and she's certainly not good at taking the initiative like Joohyun does. She's good at being a human headrest, though. So Seulgi settles for the next best thing, which is really just presenting herself for moral, physical and emotional support at any given time. The issue then is just whether or not Seungwan takes it.

Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, and it's becoming increasingly harder for Seulgi to pretend that it's not bothering her when the latter becomes increasingly more regular off-camera. Interviews included.

They're doing one as a group, a pictorial for a fashion magazine, and Seulgi helps answering questions whenever she can, doing her best not to stumble over words when Seungwan's attentive gaze falls on her.

(I wish you would stop looking at me like that.)

At one point Joohyun takes too long to answer, and it's Seungwan's turn to take the reins with a light laugh and a bashful reply. They all laugh together with the interviewer, and Seulgi feels the telltale brush of a petite body ready to hide their face in her shoulder.

But Seungwan hesitates behind her, and Seulgi stands with quiet dismay as she pulls away instead, standing off to the side with her hands clasped tightly together. Another question is asked and a textbook response leaves her mouth in a well-practiced guise of calm confidence, and Seulgi can only join her members in nodding and agreeing in all the right places.

She guesses that it might be because Seungwan understands her need for breathing room. She just doesn't know how to tell her that she doesn't mind Seungwan invading her space at any given time or place.

Just because she's less openly affectionate doesn't mean she doesn't crave it from her crush as much as the next girl, after all. And besides, Joohyun's been helping her become more comfortable with it for years now. Together Seungwan and Joohyun are touchy-feely as a default though, and that opens up countless opportunities for skinship and borderline couple gestures that bother her way more than they should.

Seulgi only starts realising just how much sometime in June.

It's their monthly movie night and they're taking a break from preparing for their next comeback, and Seungwan's too busy screaming bloody murder to hear the door opening, all while the real bloody murder starts taking place onscreen.

"Seungwan? What the —"

Joohyun comes stumbling in, still clad in her dress and heels from the Music Bank broadcast about an hour earlier. She takes one look at the faces of barely suppressed laughter from the maknaes and Seulgi's grimace beside Seungwan before heaving a sigh. "Guys, what did I tell you about watching horror movies with Wan?"

"You said her facial expressions made everything seem like a comedy. Ow!"

"That was you, Sooyoung," the eldest deadpans, relinquishing the cushion-turned-weapon as Sooyoung nurses the crown of her head with an overexaggerated pout. "And I told you that the landlady will complain again. The company doesn't need to deal with our neighbour's problems on top of other things."

"Sorry," they all intone, and Joohyun just shakes her head fondly, glancing at the film before wincing slightly at the killer now brandishing a shining crimson knife.

"What are you watching, anyway?"

"'Scream'," Yerim informs her absently, munching on her popcorn without lifting her eyes off the gory mess of blood and bodies on their TV screen. Joohyun looks to Seulgi for an explanation, and she shrugs in defeat.

"They won Rock, Paper, Scissors," is all she says, flinching when a particularly graphic death plays and Yerim and Sooyoung cackle at the characters who continue to run around like bloodied, headless chickens. Seungwan's had enough of the jump-scares by that point, and Seulgi almost reaches out to pull her back when she gets up and scurries around to meet Joohyun with a forced smile.

"Here, let me help you," she practically begs her, and Seulgi watches Joohyun try to hide her laughter when Seungwan seizes her jacket and hurries to put it on a hook near the front door.

"With all the yelling I thought you were in trouble, or something," the older girl comments with amusement, and Seungwan flushes pink.

"You know I don't deal well with horror films…" she mumbles bashfully, and Joohyun giggles, pats her head, and steps past her to make her way to her room. She doesn't notice how Seungwan turns several shades darker at the simple gesture. Seulgi does.

"Ugly-unnie, we've watching this ending three times already," Yerim whines, and Sooyoung playfully punches her. "Oh, who's up for 'The Notebook'?" The youngest yells then, bored of the final reveal rolling in the background, and Joohyun calls her agreement on the way to their shared bedroom.

"I… need to go to the toilet first," Seungwan says resignedly. "But if this turns out to be another horror movie then I'm going to bed, okay?"

"Of course, unnie!" Sooyoung laughs, jumping up from the sofa and heading over to the kitchenette to grab another bag of popcorn. Seulgi makes sure Yerim actually puts 'The Notebook' into the DVD player instead of 'The Strangers' ("Aw, you're no fun, unnie…") before snuggling back into her cocoon of blankets in wait of their fellow members.

Soon enough, Seungwan returns from the bathroom a little before Joohyun emerges in pajamas, and Sooyoung takes her freshly-made popcorn from the microwave and hits the light switch on her way back. The room goes dark again, and Seulgi waits for it, counts the seconds down to the moment Seungwan's warmth settles back at her side.

Instead, she spots the smaller girl taking a seat on the other end of the sofa out of the corner of her eye — and while she doesn't turn to actually look, she can't focus on anything other than Joohyun sitting down between them in her peripherals.

Yerim grabs the remote, snatches some of the new snacks, and squirms back into her makeshift cushion-seat. "Ready?"

"Ready," Joohyun yawns, curling into Seungwan's side like a baby animal as the maknae hits play and the opening sequence starts.

Seulgi watches the other two sharing the sofa quietly before deciding to reach down and steal a handful of popcorn from Sooyoung's bowl, and as the younger girl whines at her she smiles; convinces herself that it's not jealousy churning inside her gut when she sees Seungwan leaning into Joohyun's warmth.

Her left shoulder still just feels strangely cold for the rest of the night.


	2. bite mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She starts writing down a list of 'Seungwan' things in her sketchbook, because it's better than thinking too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A moment of silence for the fact that they sang Realize and we still haven't seen the full cover.

Seulgi decides to make a note in her sketchbook some day in December, because other than the shoulder-leaning habit, there’s a whole list of other 'Seungwan things' that she can write down off the top of her head. One category in that would be the nervous ticks. Namely that of biting her thumb.

It makes sense that whereas Seulgi bites her lip too much, Seungwan tends to press her thumb between her teeth when she's anxious or deep in thought. Sometimes Joohyun chides them both for damaging their skin, but most of the time it's overlooked in favour of whining about Seulgi's joint-clicking habits or Seungwan's cringeworthy one-liners. Sometimes one of them will get carried away though, and the maknaes often take it upon themselves to point out a bleeding lip or thumb, since their leader is the type to get queasy at the sight of blood.

And right now, Seulgi is pretty sure the main vocalist is just about to open up an old wound with how hard she's biting.

"Seungwan."

Her voice cuts softly through the comfortable silence between them, echoing quietly along the walls of the practice room as they sit side-by-side on the freshly polished floor.

"Mn?" The younger girl eventually replies, her thumb still caught between her teeth as she stares at nothing in particular, her brow furrowed and her eyes focused intently on some point along the far wall. Seulgi shifts her legs, bites her lip, and holds her tongue.

(Do you like girls?)

Seungwan glances over when she doesn't continue, her prominent frown remaining unfamiliar on her features. Seulgi squints slightly; reaches up to smooth the crease in her brow before stopping halfway and pointing a finger at her mouth instead. “You’re biting your thumb again."

“Says the girl who bites her lip half the time.” Seungwan lowers her hand anyway, and a small smile is shared between them as Seulgi restrains the urge to take it into her own and thread their fingers together. “Sorry. Does it bother you?"

She shakes her head no, settling back against the mirror behind them with a hum. “I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself, or something."

Seungwan chuckles, jogging her elbow lightly. “Speak for yourself. We all thought you got into a fight the last time you bit your lip too hard."

Seulgi huffs and and nods pointedly at the hand that had been practically gnawed at moments prior. “Well you bite your thumb, which is just as harmful."

“And you bite your lip, which is really distrac—"

The door swings open then, and Yerim bursts in with impeccable timing, as per usual.

“We bought snacks!” the youngest proclaims, failing to notice the pink dusting Seungwan's cheeks as she skips over to the duo sat at the end of the practice room.

“Did you get Pepero?” Seulgi asks, grinning as she sits down opposite them. The girl next to her doesn’t say anything, and out of the corner of her eye she spots her slipping her thumb between her teeth again. She doesn’t try to stop Seungwan this time.

“We got cookies and cream, strawberry…banana.” The maknae frowns to herself as she empties the bag, then turns to the door as it opens again. “I think Sooyoung’s got the chocolate ones?"

"Sooyoung ate all the chocolate ones," Joohyun grumbles as she enters, carefully cradling a cup of steaming ramyun in her hands with Sooyoung following soon after with an indignant expression.

"I chose them!" she protests, and Joohyun blows gently on her meal as she sits down at the table adjacent to the other three.

"I bought them," their leader points out, eyes pausing on the air of awkwardness surrounding the 94-liners as she lifts a mouthful of noodles to her lips.

"She speaks the truth, Froggy," Yerim sing-songs as she opens a packet of banana Pepero, only to drop them for the strawberry ones instead. Seulgi reaches out to take the abandoned packet and offers it to her same-aged companion as Sooyoung sets her hands on her hips.

"Shut it, Tadpole," she threatens half-playfully, only to sigh and drop her arms in the next second. “Ugh, I can't be bothered to go back by myself though… "

Joohyun lets out a huff of laughter through her nose. "Then don't go."

Sooyoung remains adamant, searching her pocket for sufficient money as she grumbles, "But I ate them all…"

The eldest shrugs, sets her chopsticks down as she moves to get up. "Then I'll —"

"I'll go get them!"

Seungwan's taking a few Pepero sticks from the box as she stands up, an overly bright grin on her lips as she grabs her coat on her way to the door. "I need a few things from the convenient store. I forgot to ask you guys to get them earlier, so I'll buy it all together with the Pepero."

Sooyoung shrugs. "Well, if Olaf's offering then —"

"I'll come with you," Seulgi cuts in before she can process what she's saying, retrieving her snapback from the table beside Joohyun. "I just remembered I need to get a couple new pens for my sketches."

"I thought you got some the other day?" Yerim says with a curious lilt to her voice.

Seulgi glances suspiciously down at the faux-innocent expression on their maknae's face as she pulls the cap on top of her bun and takes her coat from its place on a nearby stool. "They ran out pretty quickly," she replies lightly, flashing Seungwan a smile as she goes to join her at the door.

"Right," Yerim giggles quietly at her phone screen, ignoring the questioning looks from the rest of her members sans Seulgi as she types away. "Oh and we need milk, by the way. Low fat, preferably."

"But don't take too long," Joohyun reminds them, waiting for the synchronised "Of course!" to return her attention to her ramyun as the duo turns to leave.

"And remember to get the chocolate Pepero, else I’m leaking your derp photos on the net!" Sooyoung calls as the door shuts, sounding only half-joking as Seulgi begins leading the way down the stairs to the lobby. She makes sure to help her friend with her coat before shrugging hers on, adjusting her cap and moving to hold the door open for her as they exit the building.

"How's your thumb?" she asks abruptly, shoving her hands into her pockets as Seungwan loops her arm around Seulgi’s elbow and does the same.

"Fine," she responds slowly, visibly startled by the odd question as they turn to walk down a familiar narrow street. "I didn't start bleeding, if that's what you're asking," she continues with a reassuring smile, her eyes snapping up to Seulgi's mouth with a raised eyebrow. "…So you should stop biting your lip now, hypocrite."

"Sorry," Seulgi says, looking not at all like she means it as she tilts her head and sticks her tongue out at the main vocalist. "Bad habit."

Seungwan just shakes her head, leaning into her with familiar ease as they cross a quiet road. "You'll injure it again if you keep doing that."

A car cruises past behind them, but it's not enough to drown out Seulgi's best aegyo as she turns to her friend. "You can kiss it better though," she says, taking the light elbow to the ribs with a laugh as Seungwan pulls a face at her words.

"You know," she muses, bumping their hips together. "You are the single most cringeworthy bear I have ever met."

"Says Miss Son Cringeworthy," Seulgi snorts, nudging her in retaliation as they begin climbing a familiar path up a slight incline. "And I'm the best cringeworthy bear you'll ever meet, so treat me well."

"Yeah, yeah," the shorter vocalist replies, struggling to hide her smile as Seulgi pulls a black mask from her pocket and snaps one end over each ear. "And is this cringeworthy bear going to offer to pay for the shopping, or am I handling it myself?"

"You know the drill, Seung-Won," the older one says airily as they reach the doors of the convenience store, giggling as Seungwan makes a show of shuddering at the pun. She slips her arm away from her hold then, grabbing a basket before taking her hand with a beam. "Here. I'll carry, you pay."

Her companion snorts. "That definitely sounds fair."

Seulgi's grin grows even wider as she leads them down the cleaning aisle. "I know, right?"

All Seungwan answers her with is a warm smile hidden beneath a fond roll of the eyes as she chooses two bottles of fabric softener from a shelf. "If I carry these, then you can pay for part of it too."

"Or you can put them in the basket and let me carry them," the dancer suggests as she reaches out to take them from her hands, only for Seungwan to pull them out of her grasp just in time.

"No offence, but you have the upper body strength of a baby bear."

Seulgi makes a show of gasping as she follows the girl to the drinks aisle. "Offence; because have you seen my biceps?"

"Yes I have, so your point is invalid," the younger girl shoots back, picking up a carton of low-fat milk with her free hand.

(Seulgi eyes the bottles of detergent occupying her other arm, and wonders if Sooyoung's weird "Do you even lift?" memes can be applied here.)

"Your point is invalid," she retorts childishly, but it takes only a second of Seungwan's pouting for the teddy bear to relent with a sigh. "Okay fine, you carry those and I'll carry the rest of the stuff. Including the milk."

Seungwan presses her lips together for a moment, then reluctantly places the carton in the basket. Seulgi smiles winsomely at her in response, so she scoffs and drags her towards the dry foods aisle to pick up her baking ingredients.

A few more minutes pass like that as they squabble quietly over different brands and prices, and eventually Seulgi’s whines of "Why didn't we just go to the supermarket?” has Seungwan pouting. She doesn't say anything in defence though, so Seulgi drops it easily as they finally make their way to the stationery aisle. Another round of bickering is spent picking out the cheapest fineliners they have, and it's as she picks out a second pen that she turns to see Seungwan bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet.

"I'm going to the toilet really quick, okay?" she utters then in a hurried jumble of words, and Seulgi chuckles.

"Just because the fans call you a squirrel doesn't mean you should actually have the bladder of a squirrel, Wan," she quips, and Seungwan dumps both bottles of Downy into her arms with a weak glower before turning and walking away at a pace bordering on a jog. The taller one yelps slightly at the sudden weight and carefully deposits them into the basket at her feet, grinning to herself all the while as she hoists it onto her right arm with a grunt.

There's a moment then as she stands there aimlessly, debating whether or not she should wait for Seungwan to return or to go hunting for anything else they might need. Maybe she should get a vitamin drink for Seungwan. Or maybe she should buy another pen, just in case. Maybe two bottles of Downy isn't enough for Joohyun. Two boxes of strawberry Pepero definitely isn't enough for Yerim.

Or maybe she should just go and pay now.

Nodding to herself, Seulgi double-checks the money in her pockets before ambling her way to the cashier and setting the basket on the counter with a huff. There, the middle-aged lady stays engrossed in her novel until she looks up, assessing Seulgi with a raise of her eyebrows at the masked face and cap sat low over her eyes. It's silent for a moment and Seulgi expects the woman to start quizzing her like some might, but the clerk says nothing in the end and simply begins scanning each item.

The anticipation passes quickly enough, and Seulgi finds herself harbouring a strange feeling of having forgotten something as the cashier finishes and rings up her total. She's handing over her cash as soon as she hears her say, "Eighteen thousand won, please," and waits with tapping feet as buttons are punched in and money is taken out while the till finishes printing her receipt.

"Thank you," she bows quickly and grabs the bags and change before making a beeline to the back of the store, mindful of the eyes still lingering on her back.

A sigh escapes her lips as she rounds the corner into the restrooms, relieved to be out of sight of the overly-scrutinising gaze for now. “Seungwan-ah, are you still here?” she calls as she shuts the door behind her, pocketing the receipt in her coat. “What’s taking you so long?

There's a rustle as she steps past the second cubicle, then:

"Seulgi? Oh, thank God."

The odd response immediately has her frowning as she moves closer. “What’s wrong?"

"I, uh…" Seungwan sounds like she's biting her thumb again, and Seulgi's pretty sure it's not just because of the tinny acoustic of the bathroom walls. "Have you got…well…"

Her frown grows ever deeper and more worried as she sets her bags beside the sink. "Seungwan…?"

"So I started today," Seungwan blurts, and Seulgi blinks.

"Started what?"

A pause.

"The thing,” Seungwan mumbles in a totally non-Seungwan manner before muttering something in English. "R-Red…"

"'The Red'?"

"Red wave. Shark week.” When Seulgi only continues to stand in blank silence, she lets out a sigh. "That time of the month."

Seulgi nods slowly. "…Uh-huh?"

Another silence, then Seungwan clears her throat. "I, uh — I don't have any tampons with me…"

Tampons? Red…oh.

“Oh!”

“…Yeah… "

Seulgi salutes, realises Seungwan can't see her, and settles for a spirited, “I’m on it!"

She barely waits for a reply before she's out and in the hygiene aisle in a flash, grabbing the first pack of tampons that her eyes land on and hurrying to the counter. The lady greets her with a narrowed stare, taking the wad of bills that's thrust at her then returning half of it to a blushing Seulgi.

"Thank you!” she rushes, not waiting for a receipt or an offer of a bag as she sprints back into the bathroom with the pack in hand. “Seungwan?" she calls, making her way up to the cubicle and thanking whatever powers up there that there's no one else in the bathroom. Or in the convenience store, for that matter.

“Still here," Seungwan answers flatly, and Seulgi chuckles.

“I’ll pass it under," she says, holding it beneath the door and waiting for Seungwan to take it from the other side before standing up to take the carrier bags in her hands once more.

“Thanks, Seul," Seungwan murmurs as the rustle and tear of material sounds off the walls of the small restroom.

"No problem," the girl returns, waiting patiently for the flush and the unlocking of the door as Seungwan emerges from the cubicle with the newly opened pack in hand. “I bet you’re grateful I tagged along, huh?” Seulgi grins then, laughing as the smaller vocalist lightly elbows past her on her way to the sink.

“Be quiet, Kang,” she mumbles with a slight smile, setting the tampons to the side before washing her hands. "Oh! And what happened with the groceries, did you…?"

"I've got them right here, don't worry,” she confirms, holding the bags up at her.

It’s silent for a few beats. “So you bought everything…” She shakes her head, reaching out as an offer to carry the bags instead. “Sorry, I should have given you my card or something."

Seulgi pulls them away from her reach, just as Seungwan had done earlier. “I didn’t wait for you, so don’t apologise,” she says firmly, a half-smirk on her lips. “Besides, I wanted to pay for you for a change."

There’s something in her voice that feels like she’s giving too much away, and she can see it reflecting in Seungwan’s eyes when she purses her lips slightly before reaching out to put a gentle hand on her back.

“Come on then,” she says, guiding her forward. “The others have probably started practice without us."

They head out of the restroom promptly, and Seulgi takes that moment to mentally kick herself for being so obvious as Seungwan lifts a hand up at the cashier.

“Thank you, Auntie!” she calls, and Seulgi gives a silent wave beside her when the woman looks up from her novel.

“Oh, you're welcome, dear!” the woman replies warmly, in a complete 180 from her previous demeanour. Seulgi’s caught off-guard to say the least, and the surprise is only doubled when the clerk beams at them.

“Oh, you're lucky to have a boyfriend like this one! Coming down with you and buying essentials so late at night," the lady titters, and Seulgi knows even without looking that Seungwan's growing progressively more pink beside her. Seulgi laughs nervously, adjusts her cap and mask and decides that now's a good a time as any.

"I'm a girl, actually."

A pregnant pause follows as the older woman furrows her eyebrows, squints slightly at Seulgi, and pulls back with a gasp. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I don't have my glasses on me, you see. I seem to have misplaced them somewhere in the back room…"

It feels like the perfect moment for Seungwan to hide behind Seulgi's shoulder then. Except she doesn't, and when Seulgi glimpses around at her she just sees the top of Seungwan's head, bowed in something like embarrassment beneath her cap.

"It's okay, people make mistakes," Seungwan says brightly, the flush of her cheeks betraying the shy lilt of her voice. "But we should be going now."

"Yes, we should," Seulgi agrees, covering her own awkwardness with a smile as she moves to open the door for Seungwan. "Thank you very much for your help, auntie!"

The woman nods and waves them off with a jovial grin. "Anytime, girls!"

Seungwan trails out with one last bow and another "Thank you," and Seulgi gives waves goodbye as they set off back up the way they came. The silence between them then is filled with the sound of their footsteps and the rustle of plastic bags, and there's a strange sort of tension that falls over their heads until they turn the corner and Seungwan stops.

"Hey, um.” She's pulling on the edge of her sleeves when Seulgi turns to her with a hum. "Let me carry that for you."

“Just this once,” the taller girl grins, making sure to hand the lighter bag to her before pausing with a thoughtful look. "Wait, aren't I supposed to be the boyfriend here though?"

Seungwan blushes slightly and gives her a soft but firm push to her shoulder. "I don't see how boyfriends have to do all the physical work."

"I'm not your typical physical boyfriend," Seulgi jests, laughing at the expression she receives as Seungwan starts walking ahead.

"Shut up, Kang,” the Canadian mutters through her grin, and all of a sudden they're side-by-side, hands tangling together thoughtlessly as they cross the road. "Come to think of it though, you probably could pass for a nice boyfriend."

It’s Seulgi’s turn to go bright red now, and she barely manages to cover it up by pulling her mask over her nose a little more. Seungwan only giggles as she walks a little closer, holds her hand a little tighter; and all too soon they’re arriving at the front doors of the SM building with twin smiles and laughter on their lips. Seungwan halts then, babbling about checking that she’s got the right fabric softener scents for their leader as she lets go of Seulgi’s hand to rifle through the bags.

The dancer holds her breath and stares at the spaces left by her fingers, forming new bruises of blue and yellow in their absence. They’re indents that haven’t quite left her flesh from where Seungwan’s held them before, and Seulgi can only watch the way those smaller, colder hands leave hers to rummage carefully through their shopping for Joohyun's favourite fabric softeners. She feels her knuckles grow white with how hard they grip at the bag that she holds out for Seungwan, and only truly relaxes once the girl’s satisfied with her choice of detergent.

Seulgi makes sure to smile when she looks up at her again, but something in Seungwan's suddenly falling expression reminds her of her earlier feeling of having forgotten something in the convenience store. But they got Joohyun’s bottles of Downy, Seungwan’s baking ingredients, Seulgi’s pens, Yerim’s milk, and Sooyoung's —

The realisation hits her at the same time the front doors to the building open, and the duo exchange a single wide-eyed look just as Satan herself pokes her head out to complain about them taking their time.

Seulgi wonders then if the derp photos are really that damaging to their image, but the thought of Sooyoung’s hidden folder of ‘Joyful member moments xoxo’ quickly erases any doubt she previously had.

(Honestly, the girl might as well be working for Dispatch with her skills.)

“The Pepero,” is all Seungwan murmurs, gripping her arm. "We forgot the chocolate Pepero."

There's no time to think of a viable excuse for themselves as Sooyoung bounds over, barraging them with inquiries of what took them so long, what did they get, how much was it altogether?

Seungwan gathers herself first and answers them promptly, skipping past anything to do with Pepero as she slides her hand down to twine with Seulgi's again. And that's when the warning signs and alarm bells start to sound once more. Maybe she should pull away; stop this before it gets too far. Logically she should keep her distance, because it would be a lot easier to pretend she doesn't have feelings for her groupmate if said groupmate wasn't so affectionate all the time. That said, maybe she should just leave it alone and wait for the feelings to go away themselves.

(And really, maybe she's thinking about it too much.)

The hand held so softly in hers squeezes again as they follow Sooyoung inside, and Seungwan flashes her a smile over her shoulder. Seulgi manages to return the gesture, and ignores the warmth spreading in her chest as she concentrates on trying not to fall for her co-member. This is South Korea, after all. And this is her friend — her best friend — so there's no way she's going to do anything to ruin that, because this is all they'll ever be.

This is enough.


	3. sleepless nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi has a naturally high body temperature, and Seungwan might actually be made of snow.

Seungwan sneaks into her bed, sometimes.

It doesn't happen that often — certainly not as often as she leans on Seulgi's shoulder or bites her thumb — but it happens frequently enough to give Seulgi a consistent sense of false hope.

Honestly, she has half the mind to nudge the girl out of her bed each time, just to make sure Seungwan doesn’t accidentally catch the hummingbird beat of her heart against her ribcage whenever the shorter girl slips under the covers with her.

Although to be fair, it was kind of Seulgi's fault it started in the first place.

She remembers the first time it happened, after Seungwan had just gotten off a late night phone call with her family and was far too tired to navigate her way through their cramped bedroom. Seulgi was half-asleep after finishing another sketch and Sooyoung and Joohyun were curled up peacefully on one side, leaving barely enough room for a tiny main vocalist to slip in between. There had been a rustle that pulled her from the beginnings of slumber as she felt the tickle of cerulean tips grazing her cheeks, before registering the honeysuckle scent of the body in front of her.

Something had probably possessed her in that moment, because as the younger girl seemed to realise whose space she’s just invaded, Seulgi had thrown an arm over her waist and nuzzled her forehead against the back of the girl’s shoulders Seungwan froze up immediately, her previously shifting legs hanging stock still and silent as all noise in the room ceased altogether. Even the constant hum of the boiler room next to their dorm had dissipated; muted to the sound of Seungwan's voice cutting uncertainly through the air.

“…Seulgi?"

There was nothing she could do to not make it any less awkward, so she settled for sacrificing her image and letting out a snore that was loud enough to catch the girl's attention, but quiet enough not to wake the others. And save Seulgi from further embarrassment, of course.

Seungwan had let out a low huff of laughter at the noise, and Seulgi bit back the grin that formed on her lips as her fellow member relaxed and settled against her.

Safe to say, her slumber was spent a lot more comfortably than usual. For the first time in a long while Seulgi found herself sleeping the entire night away peacefully, with no covers thrown off like they usually were since Seungwan's chilly skin cooled her own perpetually heated body. The other 94-liner was gone by the next morning of course, greeting her in the kitchen with a smile that bordered on nervous as Seulgi walked in and greeted her with an innocent, “Did you sleep well?"

She didn't expect Seungwan to say something like, "Yes, thanks for spooning me to sleep," but she remembers being particularly amused by the slight flush on her cheeks as she replied with the affirmative. Seulgi had said nothing more as she watched her turn back to tend to the food on the stove, but soon after that incident Seungwan had started consciously sneaking into Seulgi's bed at night.

The first time she slips in of her own accord — and the second time she sleeps in Seulgi's bed — is some day in December 2014, following another one of their end of year award shows. It just so happened that Seulgi was having a hard time getting to sleep in the first place, because Sooyoung and Joohyun were too cold not to sleep without the heater on, but evidently not cold enough to crank it up to a temperature fitting for Seungwan.

(Which, considering she's the one from subzero-degrees Canada, is a strange phenomenon in and of itself.)

Nonetheless, Seulgi succeeded in holding in her surprise when she felt a dip in the mattress behind her, followed by the brush of cool, bare legs against her own beneath the covers. Seungwan had been fortunate that the slightly older girl had a habit of lying near the edge of her bed as she sleeps, so there was more than enough room left for her to snuggle up to the girl’s back and fall asleep like that mere minutes later. Seulgi had lain awake in stunned silence for a long while after, and it seemed like hours passed till she finally grew comfortable with it, relaxing into the arm folded carefully over her waist and the cold nose pressing against the nape of her neck, exposed by her sweater.

Sleep had come easy to her after that, with the heat of the radiator and her duvet balanced out by the human ice cube cuddled up to her from behind. The next morning panned out similarly to how it did the first time, except she bumped into Seungwan on the way to the bathroom instead, and when asked about how she slept she couldn’t help but note the anxious waver in Seungwan’s voice. Hence why she decided not to bring up the bed-sneaking and simply responded with an "I did, how about you?" that spurred a more relaxed Seungwan and a soft, "Yeah, me too."

Seulgi supposes they didn't address it that time because it didn't need addressing; because she assumed that it was a one time thing. She thought the same for the time after that, too.

(And the time after that, and the time after that.)

To begin with it seemed that Seungwan was just cold, especially during the long winter nights after staying up late rehearsing their songs or performing at annual award ceremonies. Sometimes it wouldn't even be that cold, so Seulgi figured that the way Seungwan would curl into her then was more for comfort than for warmth. Those would be the times that the smaller girl was missing her family most — on her first post-debut birthday, the first time they won an award, or on seemingly normal dates which turned out to be her family's birthdays or something just as significant.

Back then, Seulgi had already decided to play along with the notion that she slept like a log. Seungwan could use her for the heat and silent support she needed at night, and Seulgi could sleep peacefully alongside the fact that she was helping her in a way that no one else seemed to be subject to doing.

It was a win-win situation, and Seungwan never had to know how exactly Seulgi benefitted from it so long as the dancer stayed quiet and feigned sleep as soon as she felt the familiar frame climbing under the covers with her. The clandestine notions of sharing a bed at night would be dashed come daylight and the real world anyway, so Seulgi usually tries not to think much of it whenever Seungwan hugs her from behind or asks her how she slept, even after nights where she hasn't sneaked in.

Most of the time it seems more like a logic-based decision, anyway. Seulgi's the human heater of the group and Seungwan lives up to her role as Olaf, who "loves warm hugs" and may well be made of soft, pure white snow.

Because for someone who radiates such a warm personality, Seungwan has the coldest hands Seulgi's ever felt.

"Low blood circulation," the shorter girl had told her when she asked about it, three months into her training at SM. She laughed a little afterwards in that endearingly awkward way of hers, folding her fingers over one another across her stomach.

"Cold hands hide a warm heart," Seulgi had responded, grinning at her before reaching down and pulling her up. They were the last to leave for yet another dance practice, since Seulgi's years as a trainee had culminated into something like perfectionism, and Seungwan's natural ambition made for a strong drive to work well in everything she could.

"Wanna come get some ice cream with me?" The senior trainee had suggested then, grabbing both their bags and leading the way out of the practice room. "They sell these really nice sorbets in cute plastic pots a few streets down."

"Oh!" Seulgi had been about to walk out when Seungwan went to grasp her sleeve lightly, a forlorn look crossing her eyes as she frowned up at her. "But my diet…"

Seulgi had just grinned. "We'll share one," she shrugged, blinking at the way the shorter girl's fingers remained caught on the elbow of her shirt. "And if they find out, just blame me."

Seungwan released her after another second, her eyebrows dipping even further in a way that was as comical as it was cute. "But then you'll get into trouble," she had mumbled, eliciting a giggle from her companion.

"I'm an ancient trainee," Seulgi had said matter-of-factly, reaching out to entwine their hands together easily. She remembers wondering then if Joohyun really had such an influence on her in that area, or if she was really that comfortable with Seungwan to begin with. "I know my way around the management unnies. Trust me."

The cheesy wink that she finished with had Seungwan blushing and pushing her away lightly, and all it took then was a few playful pokes to her ribs before she was giving up with a bout of laughter and a squeaked, “Fine, fine, but I’m paying!"

There was something about the way her perpetually cool fingers curled around Seulgi’s then, and it’s something she still marvels at to this day. Seungwan's hands have a sort of magic about them hidden beneath her chilly touch, and it has a way of soothing her that isn't limited to balancing her too-hot body temperature.

She seems to have that effect on lots of people, though. Fans all swoon whenever Seungwan so much as brushes her hand on theirs, and Seulgi's seen her work her magic with her members, her sunbaes, and even Lee Sooman himself; when Seungwan was offering her condolences over his wife's death through baked goods and warm pats on the arm.

For all the magic that Seungwan has though, their group leader seems to be the only one able to do the same for her — and it's getting harder for Seulgi to ignore the pangs of jealousy she feels when she sees it in action. On one hand she loves Joohyun too much to let it fester, but on the other her longtime friend just has no knowledge of Seungwan's affections, and it's starting to bother her with how her cluelessness seems to lead the poor girl on.

(She imagines it's actually a lot similar to how she feels when Seungwan curls into her warmth, oblivious to the fact that she's simultaneously burning her skin with each cool touch and leaving marks on her heart under every warm glance.)

It's not like she wants to be jealous of Joohyun, and it's not like Joohyun specifically asks for the care and attention, either. It's usually that stop in her train of thought that brings it all to a close, because the kind of jealousy she's trying to rationalise is only ever supposed to occur between a man and woman anyway. At least, where they are right now it does.

Besides, relationships in the idol industry are never made to last, so when Seungwan continues to sneak into her bed to cause her more torture, she reminds herself again and again to just let it lie.

They're fine just the way they are now.

And they are fine without speaking about certain things. Things like Seungwan's habit of bed-sneaking and Seulgi's habit of getting caught staring at the girl at random times of the day.

They're fine, until she finds Seungwan's pills in the back of her bedside table.

It looks inconspicuous enough, when Seulgi spots the bottle inside the drawer. The small pile of unread fanmail obscures it somewhat, but the container catches her eye with its clean white label and orange-tinted plastic, complete with a neat scrawl of Hangul and English right underneath.

Xanax.

It's half empty, and Seulgi finds herself reaching for it with all notions of her previous objective chucked unceremoniously out of the window.

The harmless-looking bottle is passed over in her hands a couple of times as she reads the 'Prescription for: Son Seungwan' and the dosage instructions below it. They're just sleeping pills. It could have been something a lot worse, and God knows Seungwan isn't the type to have something a lot worse.

It shouldn't shock her this much either, with their hectic schedules and messed up sleep patterns and multiple worries piled on from the public and their toxic opinions. It still makes her stomach turn uneasily, and she makes sure to memorise the name of the brand and the place she got it from when Seungwan calls for her in the kitchen.

"Seulgi! Did you find it?"

She places the bottle back in its place like it's bomb ready to go off at any moment, making sure it's as hidden as it was when she found it before rummaging through the rest of the things inside. "Yeah, hold on!"

The notebook that Seungwan asked her to fetch sits at the bottom beneath everything else, and she makes sure to check through the pages to make sure there are the handwritten recipes Seungwan said there would be inside. One last look is cast at the contents of the drawer before she slides it closed carefully and hurries to the kitchen.

"Got it!” she says, plastering on a grin as Seungwan looks up with her cookie dough-covered hands.

"Thank you," she smiles, and Seulgi barely restrains herself from just pulling her close and never letting go.

"You're welcome,” the older one breathes instead, setting the book down and shoving the thoughts to the back of her mind like she did with Seungwan's prescription, sitting comfortably in the back of the girl's drawer.

The batch of blueberry choc-chip cookies they end up making are as amazing as usual, and it succeeds in distracting Seulgi from sleeping pills and a prescription for insomnia until the first moment she gets to research the brand on her phone.

A week and a billion searched articles later Seulgi's close to snapping. Hiding the pills would be stupid and inconsiderate, especially since she doesn’t even know how long Seungwan’s been taking them for. Confronting her would be a can of worms that she doesn’t know how to open without making a mess, so she settles for the next best thing.

The few days following her latest revelation show little change, even when she turns up the heating more than usual (much to her own body’s protest, but whatever) and adjusts the humidifier to the ideal settings listed on some online health forum. Seungwan still hangs around in the living room past midnight, and Seulgi’s managed to catch her exiting the bathroom more than once with the bottle of pills peeking tauntingly from her sleeve.

Then one day Seulgi returns after a late night run to the convenience store, having held a longer-than usual conversation with the clerk from last time as she rushes in and spots Seungwan sitting by herself at the kitchen island. They whisper their greetings in the silence of the dorm, and the dancer almost trips over herself taking the milk out of the bag and pouring it into a mug to stick in the microwave, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she retrieves the lightly steaming drink after two minutes and shuffles over to Seungwan with a hopeful smile.

"Here," she says, setting in front of her carefully.

Seungwan puts down her book and blinks up at her, then down at the drink. "Milk?"

“Warm milk. To help you sleep," she explains, scuffing her socked feet on the floor. "I couldn't find any cherry juice at the supermarket, so this was the next best thing." Seungwan only continues to frown at her slightly so she bites her lip, scratches the side of her neck with a wavering smile. "You seem tired a lot of the time."

The bewildered look in her eyes clears up at that, and Seungwan returns the drink with a grateful little smile. "It's okay, I've already taken a pill —" She stops herself and blinks once, twice as Seulgi purses her lips at the slip-up. "Thanks,” is all that comes out eventually, as she reaches out and takes a tentative sip of her milk as Seulgi settles into the chair opposite her. She watches for a while longer until Seungwan finishes, and it’s as she sets it aside that she notices her eyes following her.

“What is it?” she smiles uncertainly, and Seulgi begins forming a ‘Nothing’ on her tongue.

“How long has it been?” comes out instead, and as confusion clouds Seungwan's features again she decides to just ask her properly. “Since you started taking them, I mean. The sleeping pills."

The rat-tat-tat of main vocalist's fingers begin to sound on the counter quietly until she draws her hands down to her lap. "You found them,” she murmurs, as more of a question.

Seulgi nods. "By accident," she affirms, keeping her tone as even as possible. "I'm sorry. It's your private stuff, but when you had me look for your notebook the other week I found it and…"

"It's okay," Seungwan interjects softly, looking down at the marks and ridges on the table. "I didn't expect to have anyone look through my bedside table, so it wasn't hidden that well."

The statement has Seulgi frowning. "You shouldn't be hiding it in the first place, Seungwan."

Her fellow vocalist squirms slightly at the unusual sternness seeping into her voice. "I know," she mumbles, looking down at the table as Seulgi bites her lip. "I know. I'm sorry."

"The bottle was half empty, when I checked,” Seulgi continues, and watches her inhale quietly. "How long have you had them?"

Seungwan doesn't say anything for a long moment. "A month," she admits softly, before attempting a reassuring smile thrown her way. "I've had them before though, so it's okay."

"You might become too reliant," Seulgi cites, drawing from the memory of her research frenzy the previous week.

Seungwan seems a little surprised by Seulgi actually knowing this; moreso than the fact itself. “They said they’d switch me to something safer, if it doesn’t get better.” Seungwan’s bouncing her leg under the table now. “Maybe Lunesta, maybe Ambien. I don’t know."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Seulgi wants to say. "Have you told anyone?" she asks instead, and Seungwan's tapping resumes.

"Only Minjin-unnie," she murmurs, before giving her a pleading look. “You haven’t told the others, have you?"

Seulgi shakes her head, and she sighs with relief as she runs a hand through her hair.

"Why don't you tell them?” the older one pries, propping her head on her palm as she frowns at her co-member.

"I can't," Seungwan mumbles. "It's not that big, so I don't want to burden them."

Her reasons contradict one another in a way that has Seulgi’s eyebrows furrowing even more, but it's nearing midnight and they have practice and recordings all day tomorrow, so she swallows her words for now and stands up.

"Sleep with me tonight," she proposes after a small silence, only realising the implications of her words when Seungwan's cheeks tint a light shade of pink. Seulgi shakes it off quickly though, levelling her gaze with solemnity as she fights her own blush down. "I read that some people tend to sleepwalk after taking sleeping pills," she recalls from the numerous recently visited pages in her Google search history. "I'll make sure we don't make headlines tomorrow with 'Red Velvet's main vocalist, found wandering the streets of Seoul in her pajamas at 4AM'."

Her attempt at humour is rewarded with a chuckle, and she just about stops herself from fist-pumping the air when Seungwan acquiesces with a nod. "Okay, but you're sleeping on the outside."

An easy smile spreads across her lips at that. “Deal,” she agrees, putting the used mug in the sink before offering her hand out for Seungwan to take.

The shorter one leads the way to their shared bedroom and climbs into Seulgi's bed like it's her own, and when Joohyun stirs a little in her bed across the room they freeze, only to giggling quietly together as Seulgi settles in next to her. Seungwan automatically shifts closer, and Seulgi almost falls off the bed as she jolts away from the cold feet that brush on the back of her legs.

"Sorry,” the Canadian rushes quietly. “…You're really warm."

Seulgi smiles to herself, relaxing against her as she turns to lie on her side. "It's fine," she replies gently. "I've never really considered myself to be an effective heater."

"Well, you should," Seungwan yawns, pressing close to her spine. "You have a really hot body."

Seulgi manages to hide the sudden stutter in her chest with a low chuckle. "Why, thank you. Ow!"

"Not in that way, Kang," the smaller girl grumbles, retracting the hand used to pinch Seulgi’s back as the taler girl pouts into the darkness.

"So I don't have a hot body?"

"I could elbow you right now."

"Animal cruelty to bears," she quips, giggling softly when Seungwan just buries her head against her shoulderblade with a groan.

"Your cringiness is actually making me tired," she mutters, and Seulgi shrugs one shoulder.

"Go to sleep, then."

A long pause ensues before Seungwan prods her back slightly. "Are you sure I'm not too cold?"

She hums. "You're a very warm person, actually."

"Seulgi."

The sound of her name is more affectionate than exasperated, and her smile lifts even more at the sound. "You are cold," Seulgi admits. "But it's nice." There's a questioning hum at that, and she shifts so that their legs touch, just barely. "It's a more comfortable way of cooling down. I don't feel like kicking the covers off at night."

She feels Seungwan nod against her. “Scoot up, then,” she says lightly. "You're hogging all the space."

"Well, I would apologise,” Seulgi starts, sounding a lot more confident than she feels. "But I guess it's only fair for all the other times you snuck into my bed."

Seungwan freezes at that, the air around them becoming mute for a whole minute until she finally speaks.

"You knew."

Seulgi chuckles quietly. "I'm not that deep of a sleeper, Wan."

She hears a faint, “Right,” murmured into her shirt before familiar fingers curl into the material at her waist. A minute passes with warm silence and the sound of their breathing, until Seungwan presses her lips to her shoulder blade and mumbles something into her shirt, barely audible. "Does it bother you when I do it?"

"Do what?”

"Sneak into your bed," she states. “Lean on you. All that kind of stuff. You're not exactly the captain of skinship, here."

Seulgi hums. "I don't mind,” she admits, after a moment of contemplation. "I like it when you lean on me. You should do it more often."

Her nose brushes the back of Seulgi's neck when she nods this time. “Okay,” she breathes, and the older one shivers.

“Not just physically," she murmurs, thankful for the darkness of the moon in obscuring the blush of her ears. “You know you don’t always have to be so selfless. You can lean on me for support, if you ever need me."

“But I don’t want to be —“ There's a noise of disapproval, and Seungwan lets her words fall into a cross between a sigh and a laugh. “I…It’s just…"

“A bad habit,” Seulgi finishes for her in a low mumble. “Yeah. I know.”

Her words come out sounding a lot heavier than she intended, and at Seungwan's uncertain silence she moves to lie her legs against the smaller girl's to share her warmth — shifting close but not too close for comfort.

There's nothing else she can say then that wouldn't be overstepping boundaries, even when she's doing so already with Seungwan spooning her from behind. It's probably not the same for Seungwan though, so she keeps mum and lets her breathing slowly even out alongside Seungwan's.

It feels like just being friends has gotten that much harder all of a sudden — but the bottle of pills sits at the back of Seungwan's bedside drawer, and that's all that matters. Seulgi doesn't mind being her sleeping pill if that's what she needs.

"Hey, Seulgi."

The warmth in her chest still isn’t going away, and it only increases tenfold as Seungwan moves closer; brushes her legs against Seulgi’s without actually resting there. Her mind is too tired to form an answer, but when Seungwan murmurs a quiet comment to herself about Seulgi falling asleep already, she’s kind of glad she didn’t. Because as much as the younger girl lives up to her nickname of Son Cringeworthy, Seulgi gets the feeling her mumbled words are far more intimate than they’re used to.

(It does nothing but make her want more.)

"You should lean on me, too."


	4. guilt trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies don't mean a thing if you don't know what you're apologising for. And Seungwan apologises for everything.

Extensive research indicates that Seungwan apologises at least ten times more often than the average human being, which is about ten times more often than necessary. Seulgi’s done said research herself. She knows this stuff like the back of her hand; so much so that she’s considered dropping idol life altogether to apply to a university and major in a course in Seungwanology.

…Granted, that was when she decided to watch reruns of Secret Garden with the bottle of wine that she won from the SM Town Halloween Party.

Point is, Seulgi's known the girl for close to four years now. She's probably had a crush on her for half that time. So even without monitoring her crush's mannerisms, it's hard not to start noticing the abundant “Sorry"s that are always ready to drop from Seungwan's mouth at any given moment.

(She's pretty sure by now that if she received a hundred won for every time they have, she could pay for their group plus the managers to take a trip to Canada, all expenses covered.

Then again, the problem isn’t money in the first place — just the fact that they have zero time in their schedules for a proper vacation.)

There are moments where it’s undeniably endearing to witness the unfailing sincerity of her wide eyes and the apologies that run swiftly from her tongue. But on the other hand, there are times that Seungwan apologises for things out of her power — as if all the mistakes in the world could only be rooted to her. It really only adds to the long list of reasons as to why Son Seungwan may just be a real-life angel.

The protectiveness it instills then is wholly instinctual on Seulgi's part, because who wouldn't feel protective over the tiny chipmunk of a girl? Of course, it's not at all due to the warmth that seems to permeate her skin through her every small gesture and lingering touch. Not in the slightest. Just pure platonic, friendly protectiveness.

Surely it's just friendly protectiveness when Seulgi starts wrapping her arms around Seungwan more and more — both behind closed doors and out at schedules — as if they've suddenly switched roles. Suddenly it seems like she's the clingy one.

It's most definitely just friendly protectiveness when she finds herself asking about the sleeping pills again, frowning at the new bottle that’s procured and offering her bed once again when it turns out that the dorm’s boiler has broken.

Maybe it’s the protectiveness that manages to pry even more at Seungwan's own inhibitions, because a mere week after that it's happening again.

The bunk bed above Seulgi creaks only slightly but still manages to stir her awake, and she turns to look around as a familiar figure makes its way out of the room. Something in the back of her mind keeps her awake in wait of Seungwan’s return, listening keenly to the running of the tap and the splash of water before it stops, and light footsteps begin to make their way back. A momentary pause follows where she seems to hesitate at the doorway of the bedroom, and Seulgi finds herself holding her breath until the Canadian finally makes her way over.

It takes a second for the older girl to register the presence now lingering beside her bed, but as she does she's sitting up with an expectant look, smirking slightly at the surprise that flits across Seungwan’s features in the dim light of the moon before reaching out to pull her down onto the mattress. The shorter one lets out a small squeak but doesn't resist as she blinks up at Seulgi in the darkness, lying still as warm covers are thrown over and tucked carefully around her; like with every other time they’ve shared them.

“…Sorry,” she says quietly, curling furtive hands in the space between them while Seulgi turns to lie on her side, facing away from her. "I sleep better when I'm warm."

Some delusional part of Seulgi's half-asleep mind translates it into "I sleep better when I'm with you," and she stares into the darkness before tilting her head slightly to address her. Seungwan lies closer than she thought, and the subtle scent of honeysuckle and rose greets her as their heads bump together lightly; the strands of now-crimson hair tickling her neck in a way that has her hastily twisting back to the wall.

“It’s fine,” is all she manages to murmur. “You don’t need to apologise."

All is quiet then, save for Joohyun's soft, slow breathing across the room. Seulgi wonders how she manages to be such a deep sleeper; wonders why Seungwan doesn't just cuddle up to her, instead. Joohyun's pretty warm, too. She’d probably be a better pillow. Or just a better choice, overall. Not that she’d say that out loud though, because what if Seungwan really does go over to join Joohyun, instead?

But wouldn't that be better?

Seulgi might be able to breathe better, ignore the phantom pains in her chest better, possibly even sleep better.

(Except she wouldn't, since the only time she's managed to sleep peacefully in the past few months is when Seungwan is by her side, which is more telling about herself and her present predicament than she'd ever admit.)

"You couldn't sleep?" she finds herself asking after a few minutes pass, and Seungwan remains silent. Seulgi almost turns to check if she's asleep, until there's a pinch of her shirt being held from behind as the smaller girl lets out a heavy exhale.

"The pills didn't work," she utters, almost too low to hear as she speaks to her back. Seulgi lies there and doesn’t respond, lets the words digest slowly in her sleep-fuddled mind until they hit her as a ball of unease in her gut.

The pills didn't work.

The pills didn't work.

Seulgi tries not to panic at her admission because the tremble of Seungwan's voice is more tired than sleepy, and she doesn't know how they came to hold such a significant difference, but they do. Instead, she settles for reaching back over her shoulder, waiting for her sleep companion to get the message and clasp her hand before she's bringing them down to her stomach, resting so that the main vocalist's arm curls gently over her waist. It's to comfort herself as much as it's to comfort Seungwan, but she's not sure how well it works for either of them.

Another apology spills from her best friend's lips, and it's about as affectionate as it is exasperated when Seulgi sighs, because this is a routine now and Seungwan’s still as hesitant and Seungwan-esque as ever. She tangles their fingers together regardless, and wills herself to stay awake just to make sure the younger one falls asleep.

Maybe this could be avoided if they had the time and energy to talk about worries like they used to, in their debut days. And maybe Seungwan would have less trouble falling asleep cold if Seulgi would just suggest for her to use more blankets or wear warmer clothes; more layers. But no, she'd rather have them cuddled up together at night for whatever reason she’d never admit, and Seungwan seems perfectly content with sharing a bed with her so long as they don't bring it up at any point afterwards.

She's weird like that.

(And really, she would have already considered such things like bundling up beforehand. Right?

But that would mean she actually prefers Seulgi’s warmth, and that’s —

That’s impossible.)

The weirdness continues on after that night, and Seulgi is more or less thrown for the loop. She doesn't know what it means when Seungwan starts coming into her bed more often, with less apologies and more tentative smiles. All she knows is that once the redhead suddenly drags her to the bathroom after dinner one day and wordlessly hands her the same bottle of pills from a few weeks before — still as full as the day she got them — she'd let her keep doing it for as long as she needs. Seulgi doesn’t mind how her presence burns more and more every time, so long as she’s there; sleeping soundly and not functioning on little white tablets to fight the anxious restlessness.

Now, the weirdest part isn't the sudden normalcy of sharing a bed together. No, it's that throughout it all Seungwan is still growing closer with Joohyun, becoming intimate in a way that has Yerim teasing them endlessly and Sooyoung raising eyebrows left and right. Needless to say, it's a firm blow from the sledgehammer of reality when they start their next era of promotions.

Because even when Seungwan isn't starring in her own 'We Got Married' with Joohyun, Seulgi finds it hard to believe that she could have eyes for anyone else. Least of all her goofy, awkward, same-aged friend.

And she hates that there's some semblance of stubborn hope left in her, kept in physical form as scribbles and drawings of Seungwan that litter her sketchbook — have been littering it since that fateful day she decided to make notes of her idiosyncrasies.

It doesn't help that Seungwan treats her the same way that she always does, while still prioritising their leader as per usual. It certainly doesn't help that Seulgi's become too attuned to it all, too sensitive to every little thing she sees.

Honestly, it feels like whiplash. Really confusing whiplash.

Case in point, the fansigns they attend for 'The Velvet' are like a breeding ground for cavities whenever Seungwan sits next to Joohyun and acts as sweet as she does on a daily basis towards the older girl. One of their first events is situated in Incheon, and at some point near the end Sooyoung comments that their leader hasn't spoken a word. So Seulgi agrees and turns to prompt the eldest, only to be greeted by the back of Seungwan's head and Joohyun's wide eyes paying rapt attention to their main vocalist. They try calling her a couple of times with their microphones, but she continues speaking to Seungwan and Seungwan continues speaking to her and Seulgi decides that it's easier to just give up, at this point.

"Ah, she's too preoccupied to notice," she informs Sooyoung and the fans with a laugh, plastering on her usual grin as she steals a glance back at the couple. "She's busy talking with Wendy."

She and Sooyoung talk again instead, and eventually the rest of the fansign passes by smoothly once they get Joohyun to say a few words. Seulgi allows herself to relax into an easier smile, and tries not think too hard about anything as they're bidding goodbye to their fans.

(But she does wonder. Joohyun can't be that blind to the way Seungwan calls for her attention, only to avoid her gaze every time the older girl looks her in the eyes for too long.)

Seulgi watches it happen again after that, predictably; during a radio show that they're guesting on almost a week later. In a strange way it's a wake up call — one that she really should have been getting since their trainee days. But maybe it's all part and parcel in the grand scheme of things, since Seulgi does have a reputation for being slow to catch on.

It's like the Gayo Daejun of 2014 all over again, and she feels as if she's watching a rerun of their interpretation of 'Eyes, Nose, Lips', except this time on live radio broadcast.

The moment ends as quick as it starts, but she can't seem to shake the image of their playful eyes and tender smiles as the song plays on. Nevertheless she continues to grin strongly, straining only slightly at the corners.

It's just Joohyun playing around with Seungwan, she reminds herself. Just. Joohyun.

But of course, it's Joohyun, who's gorgeous and kind and so, so caring. Even if she's too shy to say most things, Joohyun is and always will be the best silent supporter that Seulgi will ever know, and she knows she'll always be grateful for her as a friend and as a teammate.

Plus she’s already sworn to herself that she'll never let something like this — a schoolgirl crush, at best — get in the way of achieving their dreams together. They've worked too hard for this, and it's not fair on anyone to let the team down because of her conflictions alone.

The horrid self-comparisons still come as unwanted as ever though. Because Seulgi may be able to sing and dance, but Joohyun is prettier, can cook well, and can move more smoothly in choreography. Joohyun also takes care of Seungwan and in turn gets especially taken care of by Seungwan, and —

And Seulgi does her best to stop herself, she really does, but jealousy rears its ugly head like a typical green-eyed monster when she sees them whispering to each other again, talking so closely and holding one another like a true couple would.

Really, were they always this lovey-dovey?

(Was I always such a jealous person?)

They all make hearts with their hands at the camera near the end of the song, and Seulgi does her usual triple heart combo before the pairs either side of her do theirs. Seungwan and Joohyun are the ones that she turns to then, and it's as if she's watching her body move under some other force as she breaks their heart with an outstretched hand. It's playful enough, and she ends up laughing as the redhead pushes her away lightly and revives the heart with a grin. Seulgi sits back with a smile and lets the disappointment roll off her shoulders with practiced ease, and when it's time to say farewell she's surprised by Seungwan briefly leaving Joohyun to make a heart with her.

It makes her a lot happier than it really should, so naturally she files it away as typical friendly behaviour. Right next to the long hugs and the leaning and the bed sharing and literally every other openly warm behaviour that's so often associated with Red Velvet’s main vocalist.

…Seriously, Seungwan needs to learn to keep her cute little hands to herself. And Seulgi should learn not to overthink things.

Yet here she is. Overthinking things from the end of the hallway that leads from their bedrooms to the main room and the spacey kitchenette around the corner. Seungwan’s cooking what smells like blueberry muffins, and the low growl in the resident teddy bear’s stomach only goes unheard thanks to the music blaring from the phone on the counter nearby.

The reason why Seulgi’s stuck there, overthinking things as she does so often nowadays, is simple enough to understand. Her crush is breezing her way around the place like some kind of heaven-sent master chef, mixing and adding and measuring and muttering numbers and instructions to herself all the while. Sometimes she hums, taps her fingers, sings along to some verses with that honeyed voice of hers, and even does dorky little dances to the particularly upbeat ones.

Seulgi finds herself just standing there at the opening of the hallway, her previous notion of getting snacks forgotten as she stares openly at the girl before her, who seems to have forgotten that it’s both her and Seulgi left alone at the dorm today. The scene is just all the more endearing, because of course Seungwan performs little mini concerts when she thinks she's alone.

Something about it has her hesitating within the first minute of watching unnoticed, and she backs up to lean against the wall just as an electronic track finishes and familiar guitar chords begin to strum the air.

"Take time to realize,” she hears her sing to herself, and the memory of nights spent rehearsing together flashes through the forefront of her mind, singing duets for practice and for fun, and not for crowds of fans or judges or trainers to scrutinise them. She remembers practicing love songs to perform at weddings just last year, and how Seungwan had gushed to her about the brides and the grooms and having her own wedding in the future, and oh, I can’t wait till our turn comes!

(But not in that way, Seulgi had to remind herself at the time, back when she was still naive to the blush on her own cheeks.)

Needless to say, it’s something that traps her thoughts and sits heavy on her chest. Thus, in the true fashion of a hopeless romantic pining after her best friend, Seulgi decides to be a coward again and turns away to head back to her room quietly. Pringles and banana milk can wait. Feelings can wait.

And they do, until it's movie night that evening at the dorm. This time around, Seulgi's sitting comfortably on the floor beside Sooyoung's legs as the younger girl lounges on the sofa next to Seungwan and Joohyun. Yerim's already gone to bed because she’s exhausted herself the whole week, so the whole ordeal is a lot quieter than usual. It's peaceful since there's no popcorn flying everywhere from the maknaes warring over food, but now Yerim's constant running commentary isn't there to distract Seulgi from the duo cuddled together at the opposite end of the sofa.

She spots them glued to each other out of the corner of her eye, but doesn't turn away from screen. Regardless, it does nothing to help her concentrate on the first meeting of Sunyi and Chulsoo, because she still can’t focus on anything other than the couple in her peripherals. Not when it feels like a repeat of the last time they all watched films together like this. Not when Seungwan is supposed to be sitting next to her as she usually does every time they watch anything in the living room.

(It's basically their designated space — side by side where Seungwan can hold Seulgi when she cries at a particularly sad part or hide her face in Seulgi's shoulder during horror movies, or just rest her head there to use as a cushion.)

Even Sooyoung seems bothered by it. She's the one who raises an eyebrow at Seulgi when she steers past the occupied spot on the sofa and sits on the floor with a bowl of popcorn in her lap. Maybe the blatant look of disgruntlement on Seulgi's face gives it away, but neither of the other two on the sofa seem to notice, so it doesn't make a difference.

Some hours pass in relatively quiet company, and after they finish their third film of the night it's Seungwan who gives an almighty yawn and stretches herself out. Seulgi watches curiously as she moves away from Joohyun, slipping out from her arms (And how did they end up around her anyway, at which point in the last movie —) before standing and stretching with a sigh.

"I think I'll turn in early today," Seungwan mumbles, glancing briefly at Seulgi as she steps past her. "It's eleven o'clock already."

"Aw, come on!" Sooyoung immediately whines, pressing pause on the remote before the opening of the next film can start. "You're not that weak, unnie!"

"I'm sleepy, though,” she pouts back, before smiling. "You can watch without me."

"You don't mind?" Seulgi chimes in, shooting a playful grin up at her.

"I've seen it five times already," Seungwan laughs, scratching her neck bashfully. "Make sure you guys actually get some sleep, though. We have a schedule tomorrow."

In her little burrito-wrapped blanket Joohyun nods and smiles, settling back comfortably. "Will do."

It's a short but sweet answer typical of their leader, and it's satisfying enough for Seungwan as she nods and regards them once more. "Goodnight then, guys."

"Goodnight!" they call back in unison, and as Seulgi turns to watch her go she’s met with the sight of Seungwan’s warm gaze. And, of course, it's lingering inevitably tender on Joohyun’s profile.

She wonders if that’s how she looks when she’s staring at Seungwan, and somehow she can’t tear her eyes away until the redhead finally moves again. Their gazes catch then, and Seungwan’s the first to break it as she abruptly turns away, an unfamiliar look on her face that Seulgi only just glimpses as Cha Taehyun's voice introduces 'My Sassy Girl'. It’s little more than a millisecond, and yet it's filled with something that sits in her chest almost palpably — like some kind of apprehension weighing on her like an anvil. Either way, she can't quite figure out what that 'something' is past the flash of what looked to be anxiety that's ingrained itself into Seulgi's mind.

It was probably the lighting, she assures herself. It's not like Seungwan can tell how much I know from just a look.

(…Unless it was the way I was looking at her. Oh God.)

The nudge of Joohyun beckoning for her to take Seungwan's place on the sofa tears her from the clamour of thoughts, and she accepts the invitation with an absent "thanks" before joining her next to Sooyoung. The younger girl gives her a single, almost hesitant glance before she's turning away, and nothing more is said for the rest of the movie save for comments on this scene or that one, alongside mentions of going to see Victoria-sunbaenim’s role in ‘My Sassy Girl 2’. By the time the credits are rolling onscreen the thoughts of Seungwan’s indecipherable expression are dulled to a low buzz in her mind, and Seulgi goes to bed with trepidation on her mind once more. It's been less troublesome recently, muffled only due to the knowledge that, well — at least Seungwan is sleeping properly nowadays without having to use sleeping pills or Seulgi's body warmth.

Besides, nothing good will come of her brooding about it as she normally does. So she decides not to dwell on it too much and instead continues to watch from the sidelines when it keeps happening.

But Seungwan notices each time. She sees the lingering glances, the faltering smiles, the hastily averted gazes. And, of course, she tries to confront her about it the next day.

“Seulgi."

She looks up from her sketchbook at the hesitant voice, snapping it closed in a flash as she spots Seungwan standing in the doorway of the otherwise-empty waiting room.

Seulgi smiles, but Seungwan misses it when a hand taps on her shoulder and she turns to greet their manager as he walks in, followed by the rest of their group. They all fall into a discussion about their performance and greet the makeup artists and coordinators with their usual energy, but Seulgi feels her smile growing more strained than usual because she doesn’t catch Seungwan’s eyes for the rest of their time into their first recording. It really shouldn’t bother her that much, so she does her best to shrug it off after the initial sound check, donning her usual smile amidst the gaggle of conversations happening throughout the set of the studio.

“Seulgi-sshi," one of the staff members requests from behind her, and she takes a break from staring at Seungwan and Joohyun to turn around and allow the woman to configure her sound system. There’s a moment where she gets the feeling of someone watching her, but all she sees when she glances around are staff members and idols every which way, framing the image of Seungwan’s back retreating into the waiting room.

A doubtful part of her mind still nags at the fact that Seungwan seems to be chasing after her yet seemingly avoiding her in the first place. Though by the time they go up to perform she's playing the part of an idol doing her job, and so her overactive brain goes silent for all but the lyrics in her mouth and the muscle memory of each step to her dance. It lasts until the very end, after their victory is announced and they're handed their trophy with an encore stage and Seulgi's just too happy not to hide a smile from Seungwan.

Following that is when she starts thinking again, this time with the idea that their Canadian member must have some kind of in-built GPS or supernatural Seungwan-sense, because she somehow manages to locate the dancer in one of the unoccupied waiting rooms soon after they finish the broadcast. It was probably with the intention of trying to talk to her again, but Seungwan walks in on her crying and instantly goes for a hug instead — listening to her blubbering about another win and how she can't believe they did it with a ballad in the middle of spring.

Of course Sooyoung finds them eventually, armed with her godforsaken phone and recording everything as soon as she sees Seungwan comforting the second eldest of the group. It’s actually more of a saving grace than anything, because if it were just her and Seungwan then they’d inevitably get to talking about the way Seulgi can’t seem keep her eyes off a certain tiny vocal powerhouse.

Truthfully, Seulgi's just as eager to clear up any misunderstandings that shine through the hairline cracks in their friendship. But as soon as Seungwan starts pushing, Seulgi starts running, and thus begins Round Two of Operation 'Avoid Seungwan-related Problems' — which is about as responsible and moral as it sounds.

That is: not at all.

Seungwan discovers as much in a similar way to the previous week, whilst waiting backstage at another music show. Ironically enough, the only time there seems to be a chance for privacy is outside the confines of their dorm, now that Yerim’s indoors most of the time. Backstage in M!Countdown’s studio Seulgi isn't fast enough nor brave enough to run when she spots her approach, and in all honesty she reckons she wouldn't get very far in these heels. She entertains the thought anyway, doing her best to distract herself from Seungwan, Seungwan, and Seungwan as said girl stops and hesitates in front of her.

"Seul —" she starts, and one of the staff comes between them then with a small black box in hand.

"Wendy-sshi, your earphones," she says, holding them out as Seungwan takes them with a startled blink.

“Thank you,” the redhead mumbles politely, putting them in swiftly and allowing the staff to help her with adjustments on her audio and her outfit.

The woman finishes up quickly enough, and immediately following her leave Seungwan is turning to her with a determined look, her lips parting and forming a question on the tip of her tongue. Then their names are called and the crowd screams for Red Velvet, and Seulgi's the first to go with a jittery “Hwaiting!" and a quick escape up the stairs to find her place onstage.

She spots Seungwan lingering there for a few seconds before following suit, but they both settle into their masks swiftly enough as the lights come on and the music starts, and they begin to perform their ballad as smoothly as they've practiced hundreds of times before. There’s not much opportunity afterwards for Seungwan to take her aside, since as soon as they finish up at the broadcasting station they're heading back to the dorm to sleep off their fatigue for tomorrow's schedule. Even during quieter moments between it all Seungwan's attention is drawn elsewhere, and for once Seulgi’s thankful for Joohyun’s innate ability to catch and hold the main vocalist's focus so it’s not trained so sharply on Seulgi’s face half the time.

Then comes the next day, and as suddenly as it starts, it stops.

Things seemingly go back to normal. Seungwan stops alternating between trying to corner her or run away from her, and Seulgi stops running, altogether. They talk to each other normally, tease each other normally, and interact with one another normally, so after the first few days of it Seulgi finds herself waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it does; albeit too gradual for her to notice, at first.

There are group pictorials and interviews for different magazines, and these things usually involve Seungwan joining her in answering most of the questions, as per their unofficial roles in the group. She’s not sure which one it is, but as soon as they gather for their group interview she feels thrown slightly off-kilter. It makes itself known when she consciously has to adjust her posture, straightening herself from leaning too much to her right as she searches for the usual weight that’s supposed to be balance it. Except Seungwan stands all the way on the other side of the group, huddled up to Sooyoung with her head propped against the side of the girl's arm, since it doesn't quite reach her shoulder. Seulgi feels like she should shuffle over and squeeze in between them to offer hers instead, but then the lady interviewing them turns to her with a question on her lips that has all the others looking at her expectantly.

Minus Seungwan. Seungwan just sort of blinks at something just past her; staring a lot like how Joohyun does when she’s spacing out.

“We couldn’t believe it because we haven’t actually performed a lot in army bases,” she says in response to question regarding their popularity with soldiers, her smile equal parts bright and bashful as the woman moves onto the next question. It’s hard to keep up with the rest of the interview after that, because the sound of Seungwan’s voice is as distracting as the fact that she refuses to look Seulgi in the eyes.

It’s only after that and the first agonising week of awkwardness that she decides to act, only to find that the universe has something else up its sleeve for her instead, on the night that their 'Descendants of The Sun’ cameo airs. The atmosphere in the dorm is as bright as ever, dulling to a low buzz of excitement only after Yerim is sent to bed and Sooyoung starts a lengthy call to her parents asking what they thought of it. Seulgi leaves the latter in the main room with Joohyun as the eldest continues idly surfing the channels, pondering on a certain redhead’s whereabouts as she lounges for some minutes before makes her way to her and Sooyoung’s shared room.

Except as Seulgi enters, she almost stumbles back in shock. Because when she steps in Seungwan is there, crying on her bed. The tiny figure resting on her mattress hits her first, curled atop of her bedsheets like the picture of a lost child. A muffled sob and quiet sniff gives her away before she can notice the older girl closing the door behind her, the both of them flinching as it clicks shut and she moves closer, approaching as if she were with some vulnerable animal ready to run at a moment's notice.

"S-Sorry," is the first thing Seungwan says, rising up quickly only to be gently pushed back down as Seulgi takes a seat beside her.

The brunette hesitates at the tear tracks running down her cheeks, and goes to reach round and hand her the box of tissues on the Sooyoung’s bedside table. "Seungwan," she starts quietly, carefully. "What's wrong?"

There's a lull where Seungwan wipes her nose and dabs a tissue at her eyes, swallowing heavily before attempting to begin explaining herself. "I —“ She doesn't get far before she's halting and backtracking again, shaking her head and avoiding meeting her gaze as the dancer waits patiently. "Sorry. I’m sorry. I was going to talk to you, but I couldn't stop thinking about —" Her hands clench tightly into the material of her skirt, and Seulgi just about stops herself from covering them with her own. "I don't want to think about you hating me for it, or just —"

"Seungwan, calm down,” she rushes then, soft and panicked at the shaken state of her best friend as she lets her hand rest on the girl's upper arm and squeeze gently. "Breathe," Seulgi murmurs, forgetting her previous fears and insecurities about the girl in front of her when she looks near-hysterical in her plight. “Now, why are you crying on my bed?"

She lets her fingers slip away from Seungwan’s skin as she feels the girl relax under her touch, watching as she slumps forward and draw her arms in around herself in a manner largely uncharacteristic of her. “I was overthinking again,” she says eventually. “I thought you were trying to avoid me because of —“ she swallows thickly, seeming to lean further away. "Because of me.” Seulgi holds her breath silently, suddenly less afraid for herself and her secrets in light of Seungwan’s own terror of revealing her own out loud. "I don't know what to do. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you, and —"

She cuts herself off, but the tense line of her shoulders is telling as they rise and steel themselves for a blow — a verbal beheading at the hands of her best friend, in light of seeing a part of herself she never sought to show. She understands all too well, and the understanding makes itself known at the same time Seungwan sees it in her expression, so when Seulgi continues to stare she’s letting out a sigh, deflating and pulling her hands into her lap dejectedly as she avoids her eyes.

“You knew," she whispers, finally. “…About me. You know."

“That you like Joohyun.” The wince it elicits is enough of an affirmation, and Seulgi nudges her lightly when she tries to look away and hide her shame. "I do," she says, her eyes locked on Seungwan's all the while. "And it's okay. You don't need to apologise."

The tears seem to freeze with the shock that pulls at her features. “Seulgi…"

“It’s okay,” the brunette says firmly, nudging her shoulder playfully in an attempt to draw a smile from the girl. “Why do you think you need to apologise?"

“Because I'm…It’s…" Her eyebrows pull down, her eyes closing briefly as her lips press together before parting with a shaky exhale.

She looks beautiful in a melancholic sort of light, and Seulgi suddenly wants to kiss her.

“It’s not normal."

The taller one immediately reaches up to smooth out the crease in her brow, shaking her head. "Not in Korea, no,” she admits, her smile bitter and knowing to no-one but herself. "But that's okay. It doesn't make you any less normal. Even though you're a little above normal, as far as talent goes.” Not to mention within the realms of kindness and beauty.

The shorter girl sniffs, watches her for a single, long moment before ducking her head. “I’m sorry,” Seungwan mumbles again, grabbing another tissue from the proffered box.

“Don’t.” Seulgi brushes her fringe to the side, lets her hand drop back to her side before it lingers too long. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t apologise for things you can’t control."

I know I’m not sorry for feeling like this for you.

“But I…"

"You apologise too much," she interjects sternly, before shooting her a playful grin. "Cut down on it, will you?"

Seungwan manages to reply after a moment with a watery smile. “I'll try my best."

Seulgi returns one back at her, steady and strong and warm as ever. “Good," she says softly. "That’s good enough for me."

The tranquil lapse in conversation then is comforting, and reminiscent of whenever they’d hang out alone at the dorm together — the jobless duo with nothing but each other and sappy movies to watch while waiting for their other members to return from their solo activities. Hours seem to pass until Seungwan shifts in place, chuckling lowly at herself as she reaches up to rub at the column of her neck. "I'm gonna get a runny nose and a sore throat at this rate…” she mutters, sniffing loudly for good measure as she makes a face.

"Gross," Seulgi laughs, wiping at her nose with a tissue before grabbing another one and clearing the last of the tears from her cheeks. "You're lucky I'm not Sooyoung, or I'd be taking a video right now."

"You wouldn’t." Seungwan fakes a warning glare, and when Seulgi sticks a tongue out at her in response it dissolves into a giggle and a warm look. "Thanks, by the way."

Seulgi ignores the swell of something that spreads somewhere in the vicinity of her chest, and instead touches another tissue carefully at the liquid salt in her companion’s stare. “What, for not taking a video?”

Seungwan tries for an unamused expression that comes out as more of pout, and the brunette laughs heartily as she prods her forehead with a pinky.

“It’s no problem,” she laughs. "There’s no need to thank me for something like that."

A fidget of her hands, and a quirk of her lips. “I think you should be thanked, anyway."

The smile that curls at Seulgi’s mouth is tender in return. “If you really want to, then,” she says airily, leaning back on her hands to observe her fellow vocalist quietly. It’s still as they sit there for a while longer, simply breathing and being — relaxing in one another’s presence in a way she's missed for a while, now. The problem is that they’re doing nothing and it still feels too intimate for her Seungwan-addled mind, so Seulgi stands and brushes nonexistent lint from her jeans as she turns to address her. “Wait here a little. I'll go get some tea for you."

It earns her a surprised look as her same-aged friend sits up. "Seulgi, wait.” She’s barely taking a step towards the door as Seungwan reaches out to graze her hand, curling her fingers around her wrist carefully, hesitantly. It's a butterfly’s touch and a vice grip, all at the same time.

"I…” Seungwan, bless her soul, remains as oblivious as ever to the turmoil that twists in her gut and pulls at the walls of her heart with the simple action. Simple, yet so effective in getting her to do just about anything. "Thank you. For being here for me."

She feels a familiar sensation forming where Seungwan holds her, and draws away as gently as possible while flashing her a smile. “Anytime, Seungwan,” comes her murmur, ready to dart out of the door when she’s stopped again, but not by a cool, snow-white hand.

“I’m sorry for being a burden,” comes the low rushed proclamation from behind her, and Seulgi falters once again.

“What?” Her eyebrows knit together once more as she turns back to her. “Seungwan-ah, you’re not —“ A broken pause as she shakes her head. "Where did you get that idea?"

Seungwan doesn’t look up, her fingers clutching tight at her sweater. Seulgi considers offering her hand back for her to hold onto, instead. “…Aren’t you tired of me coming to you all the time?"

Something about the way she says it is heartbreaking, and Seulgi inhales as her willpower begins crumbling into pieces all over again. It certainly doesn’t help that Seungwan’s not at fault for any this, since Seulgi’s the one crushing on her in the first place; with no safety net for the inevitable fall and no excuses to offer lest she ever find out. And honestly, how do you tell your best friend you’re falling for them?

(How do you tell them it's already happened?)

In the end Seungwan will just be apologising for something she wouldn't understand anyway, and the uncomfortable pit in Seulgi’s stomach manifests itself as the beginnings of guilt eating away at her resolve. So much for trying to keep your distance, she chides herself as she crosses the floor between them, back to Seungwan. As if she could keep away in the first place. The very thought is laughable, at this point.

“No, no,” she coos, kneeling down to reach out and clasp her hands around the redhead's gently. “Wan-ah, I could never…“ Seulgi swallows, suddenly unable to break the filter she’s forced herself into as she dips her head to meet the singer's eyes. “I’m not tired of being here for you,” she asserts, chucking her under the chin with the strongest smile she can muster. "I'll stay here. I said so already, remember? You can lean on me."

“But…” A pink tongue swipes nervously on chapped lips, and Seulgi diverts her attention to someplace safer. Seriously, since when did Seungwan pick up her lip-licking habit?

Her eyes quickly settle on the wall to her right, because walls are safe. Walls aren't infuriatingly adorable and attractive and inexpliably confounding, all at the same time. “Isn’t it my fault you seem more exhausted than usual?” Seungwan mumbles, and the irony strikes a long moment later as Seulgi struggles to keep herself from blurting that it’s simultaneously true and not — that Seungwan perpetuates her sleep as much as she keeps it from her.

She almost sighs again; stopping only for the fact that now it just it feels like trying to do so while lying under a low-rise truck.

“It’s not your fault,” she breathes, but Seungwan’s neither blind, nor deaf. She knows the words are as weak as they sound, because her features fall at the waver in Seulgi's gaze, dimming down as she shrinks in on herself. There’s a small pause, and a low exhale. The gnawing guilt claws its way through her stomach that much more.

“Why do you keep looking at me as if it is, then?"

The terse words that spill from her best friend's lips are almost as pleading as they are accusing, settling as a silence that wedges itself uncomfortably into the wordless maw between them; pulled taut like an elastic band ready to snap. Seungwan is the one who looks away this time, staring down at the floor for a moment before inhaling deeply and meeting her gaze again in search of…something. What that ‘something' is or could be, Seulgi has no clue. She sees the lost look in Seungwan’s eyes though, and supposes they’re both just as tired of running in circles as the other.

But God, what is she supposed to say?

I’m sorry for being like this.

(I don’t know what to do.)

I’m sorry for making you feel this way.

“I don’t know,” she murmurs in the end, running a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry if it came off that way. I promise it’s not you."

The hands held so carefully in hers squeeze back lightly, feeling warmer in Seulgi’s grasp. “Then what is it?” her companion murmurs, sounding much too fragile for Seulgi to even contemplate telling her the truth. The truth can’t help anything. Not here. Not now.

“Seungwan.” The redhead looks up at her expectantly, and Seulgi holds her eyes for a moment; thinks that maybe if she looks hard enough, she might find something to dethrone the growing pessimist in her. Maybe if she looks hard enough, she might see the way she looks at Seungwan being reflected right back at her.

Simple, wishful thinking.

(Foolish.)

Evidently, she finds nothing but hurt swirled in amongst fear and trepidation and a perplexing swirl of warmth and affection, and Seulgi feels more lost now than ever. A heavy exhale leaves her lips, and a dropped gaze follows on with her next words.

“Am I a good friend to you?”

It’s noiseless in the dorm all of a sudden as the question seems to catch her off guard, but Seungwan recovers smoothly with wide, earnest eyes when she turns her hands over to hold Seulgi's firmly.

“Yes,” she answers quickly, bewildered but genuine. “You are. You’re my best friend. And you take care of me well."

The sincerity rings true in the heat of her stare, but Seulgi's not sure if that's what she wanted to hear. She’s certain that what she would prefer to hear isn’t something that would entail ‘just friends’, but reality is cold and cruel and she’s still the same hopeless romantic that she’s always been. Besides, she’s just been told that she takes care of Seungwan well. That has to count for something, because it's as good as she's ever going to get.

“Okay." She drums a finger lightly on the inside of the other girl's wrist. One tap, two taps — three. Even Seungwan’s little intricacies have found a way under her skin.

(Too deep. She’s in too deep.)

Four taps, five taps. Six, seven, eight.

Stop.

"That’s okay, then."

The confusion is tangible when Seulgi lets her go, rising to her feet gracefully and ignoring the pain in her knees from crouching too long. Seungwan peers up at her, and an ache similar to the one in her legs settles across her chest at the concern written so plainly in those dark cinnamon irises.

“You should talk more too,” the slightly younger one says meaningfully — a clear indication that this conversation is nowhere near dropped yet. It sounds like a "You can talk to me”, and Seulgi’s not ready for that. Not if it’s anything like the potential scenarios in her head any time she so much as thinks of making a confession. Truthfully, she doesn’t think she'll ever be ready. Not for that.

Seulgi nods after a long beat, not trusting herself to speak when Seungwan is looking up at her the way she is. She cares too much. She always cares too much. It shows in her stare and the line of her lips as she presses them together, and Seulgi wants to kiss her; tell her not to worry about her even though it’s like attempting to breathe underwater whenever she so much as looks her way.

But Seungwan remains oblivious to it all, and nothing good will come from making it otherwise. So Seulgi starts towards the door again, turning the handle with the goal of ending their conversation for retrieving tea as the bed creaks behind her.

“You keep to yourself a lot," the smaller girl is saying as she opens it, and Seulgi glances back to see her eyeing Seulgi with worry. She should be used to it by now — the conflicted looks and pursed lips. It doesn’t stop her from staring back with open caution, because it almost looks like longing painted so delicately on Seungwan’s soft features. Almost.

In the end she knows better than to indulge in her imagination, regardless of what countless dramas have told her. The rational line of reasoning in her conscience wins over this time, despite the way an incessant voice in her head screams to just tell her. Tell her.

“It's a bad habit," Seulgi mutters over the white noise in her head, and doesn't stay to watch the line thinning on Seungwan's lips. It isn’t liberating in the way she expects it to be, to walk out on your crush in order to get over your feelings.

(Of course something like this would backfire on her. She should have known better, that there’s no point to it.

There's no point in trying.)

She pulls it together by the time she finds their leader making her own cup of tea in the kitchen with Sooyoung still chatting in the background, and thus she elects to steal the perfect opportunity to help her best friend’s love life, as best friends should. Before she knows it she’s taking an Olaf mug from the cupboard and making Seungwan’s usual herbal brew (chamomile, a tiny sprinkle of sugar, a finger of cool water to balance out the heat, don’t forget a teaspoon just in case), before practically shoving it into Joohyun’s hands and hauling her away under the excuse that she doesn’t know how to deal with crying people and that Seungwan asked specifically for Joohyun. It all earns her a weird look from the older girl — who’s a human lie detector, really — but she complies anyway at the mention of Seungwan’s 'uncontrollable Niagara Falls-worth of tears'.

Said girl almost trips over herself standing up as they burst through the door of the bedroom, and the tallest of them allows herself to smile a little when her older friend instantly hurries to Seungwan’s side with the tea in hand, rattling off questions like the coddling mother she always denies herself of being. It’s difficult to dwell on even trying to match her competition when it’s Joohyun; who’s a beautiful but reserved guardian of a best friend and an older sister that she always wished she had as a child.

As it is the protective side of her is almost nauseating to watch, and with her job done, Seulgi nods to herself and takes her leave with the sound of Joohyun’s fussing and Seungwan’s weak protests behind her. There’s nothing more that can be done; nothing more for her to do except probably take a walk to clear her mind. Lucky that she's got her jacket and cap hanging near the front door already, since she'd rather not stay in her room any longer.

As she leaves it feels as if Seungwan's eyes are lingering on her retreating back, but the idea is quelled swiftly as she shuts the door behind her. There’s nothing to gain from trying to fool herself anymore, because it hurts.

It hurts.


	5. avoidance tactics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seulgi needs to be more careful, but Seungwan makes it difficult — very much so.

If Seulgi were asked to name the one thing she hated most about Wendy, it would be the fact that she's selfless to the point of being self-sacrificing.

(If she were asked to name one of the things that she loved most about Seungwan, it would still be the same.)

It's almost as if she truly is a saint at times. Dropping almost anything in order to help someone else in need — more often than not, her members — and offering herself as a pillar of support whenever the situation calls for it. And while Seulgi knows by now that the superheroes depicted in movies aren't real, there are such things as heroes without any particular powers; and Seungwan's one of them.

Though on some occasions, she finds herself wondering if Seungwan really does possess some sort of magic in her that gives her so much warmth despite the chill of her hands. A part of Seulgi thinks that the ability to make the girl go to sleep would be her own superpower, in that case.

It becomes more apparent once Seungwan tells her about how she’s been weaning herself off of sleeping pills almost completely, and paired with the increasing frequency of her late night journeys to the human teddy bear's bed, there's little room for the older one to think otherwise.

Which is why she panics the first night following the main vocalist's indirectly spoken coming-out.

What if Seungwan thinks that it's weird for them to sleep beside each other when Seulgi knows about her crush on Joohyun? Or even worse, what if she thinks that Seulgi doesn't want her there simply because of the idea of her liking girls?

But six nights later it turns out that the confrontation hasn't made much of a difference, since the tiny redhead invites herself under Seulgi's covers again as if nothing ever happened. It seems that even the tense conversation over Seulgi's own troubles have been set aside, for now.

"Do you want to swap beds?" The dancer manages to mutter playfully, not bothering to open her eyes as she welcomes the cool presence that settles behind her. There's a hum as Seungwan makes herself comfortable, her cold feet brushing Seulgi's legs in a way that's too familiar now for her to jolt away at the feeling.

"But it's not the bed that I'm here for," Seungwan jests back, oblivious to the burning of the brunette's cheeks as she bites her lip and shuts her eyes.

“Of course," she drawls, her voice straining only slightly. "Should I save you the trip and visit you in your bed next time, then?"

The smaller girl makes a noise of agreement. "Well, mine is comfier. Plus your mattress is quite stiff."

"Then you don't need to sleep on it."

"Stingy." A poorly stifled giggle muffles itself against her shoulder as her skin flares with heat at the touch. “Do you want to come join me in my bed, then?"

Seulgi wonders if the rest of her body is burning as much as her face is at this point, and she buries her head into her pillow with a small groan.

"Hey," Seungwan prods her, sounding far too awake for two AM. "You could have just said 'no' politely instead of making that noise."

"Whatever, Wan-ah."

"I can see how rude you get when you're tired," she remarks, and Seulgi just lets out another little groan.

"Go to sleep, Wan-ah," she says this time, and her fellow 94-liner does so, but not before grinning into Seulgi's shoulder like the over energetic hamster-woman-child that she is.

(And God, she makes it so difficult not to just turn around and cuddle her until the end of time.)

The best and worst part of it all is the way Seungwan winds her arm around her waist without prompting, settling carefully across her stomach and only relaxing once she sighs and covers her companion's icy hands with warm fingers on her skin.

Joohyun finds them like that early in the morning before Seungwan has a chance to retreat back to her room, and it's Seulgi who's the first to wake up at the sound of a light chuckle that comes from the doorway.

"You ditched Yerim and I for the teddy bear then, Seungwan?"

The Canadian wakes up at the sound of her voice, practically leaping away from the girl beside her as she sits up and runs a hand through her mussed hair with wide chocolate eyes.

Their leader simply laughs at her expression, and Seulgi bites her lip. Seungwan looks as if she's just been caught cheating, which is probably what it seems like in her own frame of mind. She just got caught sharing a bed with her best friend, after all — and by her crush, no less.

"Guys, please take your noisiness elsewhere," Sooyoung grumbles, the top of her head barely poking out from beneath her sheets as she curls up closer to the wall. "I need my beauty sleep…"

“You call this noisy?" Joohyun retorts playfully, striding over to rifle through the younger girl's drawers. “Oh, and I'm borrowing your purple nail polish for now, okay?"

A groan that sounds faintly like consent sounds from the girl, and Joohyun starts towards the door again before pausing and looking back at the pair still sitting awkwardly in Seulgi’s covers.

"You guys coming for breakfast?” she asks with a quirk of her lips and an arch of her brow, and Seulgi attempts to battle her grogginess in order to form an answer.

"Uh —"

"Of course!" Seungwan practically leaps up, almost taking Seulgi with her as she gets her foot caught slightly in the duvet. She manages not to trip over like Seulgi probably would in her position, and meets Joohyun’s amused expression with a grin. "I'll help too, unnie."

"Thanks, Seungwan-ah,” the eldest giggles, before turning to address their dancer. "Seul?"

Something about the way Seungwan looks back at her with that ‘Joohyun’ grin on her lips keeps her in her seat, pulling her duvet into her lap as she feigns a yawn. "Maybe later,” she replies, lying back down on her mattress with a sigh.

“Sleepyhead,” she hears Seungwan mumbling affectionately as the two of them leave, and she lets herself smile at the sound before shutting her eyes. She tries to live up to her nickname, but sleep doesn't come to her as easily as it did the night before, and she focuses on breathing and counting sheep in her head to block out the bright laughter and warm conversation drifting in from the other side of the dorm.

It's hard, though. Despite the fact that Seungwan’s the one who crawled into her bed last night, there's still the seed of doubt that starts to take root. It thrives in the absence of her best friend's usual attentiveness; the endearing, almost overly-friendly gestures remaining constant only in the darkness and the sanctuary of her tangerine bedsheets.

(Days later, Seulgi still has no idea what to think or how to feel about that. It feels clandestine in a way it shouldn't, like a convoluted mystery novel masquerading as a tragic romantic read.)

Moreover, to someone seeing them around each other now it would seem almost as if they had grown apart. Not by a lot, but enough to create a small rift — a potential space that can either widen or close depending on how they choose to step forward from here.

Surely it's not just her imagination either, as Seungwan's become less clingy to her in recent months anyway and Seulgi isn't sure if she should yearn for the familiar showers of affection or be relieved in their absence. It’s leaning towards the former with the days that pass, since there’s a heavy feeling in her gut that tells her the gap's only going to grow until one of them tries to build a bridge.

It probably has something to do with that talk last week, is all she can think when Seungwan brushes past her yet again.

(It has everything to do with it.)

The irony in it is how it makes her reminisce their first few months of friendship, after Seulgi decided to get over her uncharacteristic envy and befriend the new vocalist trainee at the first given chance. Seungwan had been all too friendly in return — especially considering how they actually met in the first place.

She wasn't as hesitant as she is with people nowadays. She was animated, bright. As much of a blinding star of a person as she was bound to become, regardless of Cube or SM or any other company that could easily take her or drop her to shine on her own. Seulgi always knew there was a reason why she got that particular part in ‘Happiness’ — aside from the obvious factor of her being the main vocalist, of course, but that’s beside the point. Regardless, the difference between the bold Seungwan back then and the restrained one now is stark, and all too noticeable in how little she clings to Seulgi nowadays. Her shoulder feels colder than ever,

Perhaps it’s a good thing though, because she remembers having heard it said back then that the right shoulder represents the right way. The side of the angel, and all the goodwill it stands for.

Seungwan had always been aiming for the left shoulder, as if sending her some subliminal message.

The devil on your left shoulder — temptation.

It's funny, really. Seungwan's the complete opposite of a devil. Even so, she should probably be more worried at this point, but she can’t find it in herself to care about things like sexuality and a nation that still condemns such things in the twenty-first century. Even though seven years of tears, sweat and occasional blood should really be the easy option here, especially when compared to the equivalent of a schoolgirl crush on a fellow group member.

Then she thinks of Seungwan, and she cares less every time she looks at her. And she looks at her a lot. Mostly when Seungwan isn't looking, and sometimes when she is. And a lot of the time, when Seungwan's looking at Joohyun. Which is a given, so there’s nothing she can do about it except turn away once it gets too much.

But it doesn't matter at the end of the day, because it's Seulgi who drags her outside for their usual city-wandering dates, visiting spas and cafes and various other stores and doing the odd grocery run in between. It's Seulgi who picks up her weird but efficient method of handling money through collecting receipts. It's Seulgi who she comes to about the latest netizen article which the dancer tells her time and again to ignore, and it's Seulgi who makes sure she doesn't skip dinner over some insensitive comments from ignorant people who can't see how beautiful Seungwan is. They're enough to stir the beginnings of a long-buried anger in her, and when her self-cultivated mien comes crumbling down so easily, she knows when to take a step back. Nothing good ever comes from taking off a mask after years spent building it up.

Seungwan has always seemed to be able to see the vexation in her somehow, visibly doing her best to hold back tears and sullen frowns in order to project a smile or two. "Sorry," she would proceed to mumble eventually, fingers curling around a mug of tea that the older girl would prepare for her each time. Chamomile, just how she always likes it made.

Seulgi would shake her head and hide herself under a grin. "What are friends for?" she would say according to the script, like the masochist that she is. The pain of it is worth seeing Seungwan's smile though — even if it feels like trying to speak with glass shards trapped in her throat, lodging themselves deeper into her flesh with every warm hug and equally warm look from the girl.

Sometimes she wishes she could tell her.

And sometimes she wishes she never even met Seungwan. Never watched her sing her heart out, never befriended her, never helped her learn to dance, never saw her beauty, never debuted with her, never fallen like this —

And yet, she knows she wouldn't change a thing even if she could, and not just because of Seungwan, either. Red Velvet practically sits on the same tier as her real family now, similar even in having the one overly perceptive member who never fails to spot the slightest of changes between people; with her family’s being her eldest cousin.

And in Red Velvet’s case: Park Sooyoung.

They watch 'Frozen' for the umpteenth time due to Sooyoung’s insistence, calling upon her power of being the sick patient in the dorm whose needs must be attended to by everyone sans Yerim, because Yerim is evil. Seulgi has a permanent giant ketchup stain on her favourite pillowcase as proof.

(It took a while to convince Seungwan that she didn't start spontaneously spurting blood from her nose or mouth in her sleep. Mostly because she was sporting a nosebleed from walking into the bunk bed just before the main vocalist came in, which wasn't the best sight for the poor girl at the time.

Seulgi likes to think she would have caught her in some sort of heroic fashion if she really did decide to faint at the scene.)

The thing about watching Disney movies is that pretty much all of them turn into a musical at some point, and when a bunch of idol group singers watch Disney movies, the dorm turns into an impromptu concert. It takes her mind off of other things at least, when she's dueting with Yerim or copying lines with Joohyun or avoiding the popcorn flicked at her head by Sooyoung.

She's getting better at it. Hiding. Not thinking. Well, still thinking; but not too much.

'Conceal, don't feel', and all that.

The feeling is always there though, and the concealing is getting harder and harder to keep up even without Seungwan around. Namely since Sooyoung keeps catching her at the most inopportune times — such as when she’s talking to the redhead or even just glancing at her. Granted, Seulgi’s not very well-versed in the art of subtlety since this is her very first, very real crush, and the only times she’s managed to stop herself from openly shooting heart-eyes at Seungwan is when the youngest of their vocal line is staring at her.

Like now, when they’re getting ready to sleep following a noisy end to their movie night, wherein Joohyun had to haul Yerim to bed in order to keep her from waking the neighbours with her sugar high-induced singing. Sooyoung is sitting soundly atop her covers when Seulgi returns from the bathroom with her pyjamas on and her hair still wet from the shower, stopping at the dressing table to blow dry her hair without a word. She feels her staring once or twice, but every time she looks over Sooyoung is reading a book of some kind, and the awkward silence in the room prevails for at least ten minutes until she goes to leave again to brush her teeth.

"Unnie, wait."

Seulgi pauses mid-stride, a peculiar feeling of dread developing in the pit of her stomach at Sooyoung's rare use of more formal address. The younger one sits rigidly, her tone even and giving nothing away as she sets her novel aside.

“I want to ask you something."

The trepidation settles into her limbs as she subconsciously begins trying to move away again. "Sooyoung —"

"Unnie," she says a little more urgently this time as she pats the space beside her. "Please. I just want to have a talk."

Something in the way she asks so earnestly is persuasive enough for Seulgi to oblige, sucking in a deep breath as she walks over and joins the girl on her bed. ‘A talk’ ends up being more of a one-sided staring contest on Sooyoung's part, because neither one of them is willing to break the barrier when Seulgi’s pretty sure what it would entail.

Eventually Sooyoung does break it though, and it’s about as tense a start as the conversation she had with Seungwan not even a fortnight before. "You know I admire you, right?” she begins, and Seulgi gulps.

"Right." The nerves rise in an instant at her words, and she moves to get up with an apologetic smile. "Listen, Sooyoung —"

The younger vocalist shakes her head, reaching out to stop her. "Let me finish," she says almost pleadingly, and Seulgi bites her lip, but stays seated. "I admire you, but you're also my unnie and my friend. Not just my teammate, or roommate, even. So you can tell me things.” She takes a deep breath, and Seulgi finds herself copying her.

There's no escaping it now, is there?

"We can be honest with each other and listen to one another. No matter what."

“…Yes," she manages to agree, nodding slowly. "Of course."

Sooyoung seems as hesitant as Seulgi feels when she copies her movement, except she's always been bolder with her words. Honest to a fault, much like Joohyun. It's evident in the way the younger of the two shifts afterwards, meeting her anxious gaze with resolute strength before breathing out.

“So…you like Joohyun-unnie."

A beat. Then:

“…Pardon?"

Sooyoung blinks at the incredulous look that Seulgi gives her. “It’s Joohyun-unnie, right?” she frowns, then lowers her voice with uncertainty. “You…have a crush on Joohyun-unnie…?"

The very idea would have her laughing at the situation, if not for the fact that Sooyoung was bold enough to insinuate that she would even like a girl in that way and be so forthcoming about it. There’s also the fact that she’s been keeping an eye on her enough to see the signs in the first place — as inaccurate as conclusion is — and the idea that others might be able to see it too is nothing short of worrying.

“I — No way,” she manages to splutter amidst the shock as Sooyoung gapes at her. “No, she’s my friend. Practically my sister.” The gape turns into a squinted look, to which she sighs and manages a small smile. “Seriously,” she affirms. “I don’t like her in that way, and I probably never will.” Which is true, because while Joohyun’s gorgeous and sweet and all too endearing in her own little ways, she’s not Seungwan.

“But the way you keep staring at her when she’s hanging out with Wan-unnie…“ Sooyoung shakes her head in disbelief. “I don’t get it. It would have made sense."

“Just because I was staring at them in whatever way you thought, doesn’t mean I like Joohyun in that way,” Seulgi says as evenly as possible, hoping to end the conversation lest any other secrets reveal themselves.

(Of course, she thought so too soon.)

“Well it would explain the weird looks you keep giving them,” Sooyoung mutters back adamantly, before her expression falls into a silent gasp. “Wait, unless…?” Seulgi blanches, and it’s telling enough. “Oh my God,” she breathes. “Then…Seungwan-unnie?"

Her eyebrows are raised curiously, but Sooyoung's question sounds more like a statement this time — one of unarguable truth — and Seulgi can only look away at the walls. Words fail her despite the buzz of excuses and denials that climb their way up her throat; clogging her breath and drawing her eyes to the threads of material of Sooyoung’s bed. "I…"

The room is quiet for a moment, until one of them shifts. "I'll take that as a yes," Sooyoung concludes with a nod, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing it gently. The gesture is small, typical of the former maknae, and yet it's filled with a comforting warmth that always seems to radiate from her — like the reliable strength of an older sister, as strange as it sounds.

Then again, it's not that strange when Sooyoung is used to being the eldest child of four, compared to Seulgi being the baby of almost her entire family, extended members included. It makes sense then that the twenty-two year old feels like she's divulging secrets with a senior, fiddling with her hands and pressing her lips together out of nervous habit.

“Okay,” Sooyoung nods to herself and leans back against the wall. “That…actually makes a whole lot more sense."

The older girl glances at her curiously. “What do you mean…?"

“I mean it makes more sense than you having a thing for Joohyun," she replies with a shrug, crossing her legs Indian style and placing her pillow on her lap. “I guess I should have listened to Yerim."

A flash of alarm jolts in Seulgi's chest and settles in her eyes, blinking wide and apprehensive at the mention of their youngest member. "Yerim?"

Sooyoung gives another shrug, a small smile — more of a smirk, really — turning at her lips as she picks at her duvet. "Well, I say that," she chuckles, sounding all too proud of her trusty cohort. "She just mentioned how cute you and Wan-unnie would be as a couple, since you act like it sometimes. And it makes sense."

The pieces fall into place readily at her explanation, and Seulgi exhales a quiet, "Oh."

A nod. “Yeah. So…"

"So…?"

Sooyoung looks at her expectantly. "What are you gonna do about it?"

"P-Pardon?" Seulgi stammers, blinking rapidly at her as her mouth falls open.

The younger one snorts, leaning forward in her seat like a teenager vying for gossip. "You like Seungwan-unnie," she teases, ignoring the desperate look of warning sent her way because seriously, the dorm walls are about as thin as paper. “We don’t know if she likes you too, but I think so," Sooyoung adds pointedly when her roommate proceeds to squirm in place.

"She doesn't." A disbelieving look is cast her way at that, and Seulgi manages a smile through her blush. The years of practice have made it look a lot less bitter, but it's hollow and lacking her usual warmth nonetheless. "Trust me, Sooyoung. She doesn't."

The other vocalist scoffs. "What, and did you ask her?"

Seulgi splutters for a moment at the outrageous thought. "No way," she hisses. "I can't just ask her."

Sooyoung just grins and waggles her eyebrows. "Well, there are other ways of finding out."

"I'm not going to go with any plans you have in mind, Sooyoung."

Her face instantly falls into a scowl. "Fine, ignore my genius."

"I will, thank you."

Sooyoung scowls. "Come on," she whines. "If you won't play along then at least do it the easy way."

"Which would be…?"

"Telling her and finding out, duh."

"No,” Seulgi shakes her head, pulling her knees to her chest. “Why are you so intent on having me tell her?"

Sooyoung shoots her a withering look before straightening up, her eyebrows drawn sternly at the older girl as if she wasn't two years her junior. "Because," she starts, firm and sombre in her expression. "Otherwise you're going to keep finding reasons not to go for it, and in the end you'll just be miserable.” Her words hit hard at the pit of guilt and jealousy that have been gnawing at the reaches of her heart since all this first began. Sooyoung sees it, spotting the drop in her expression as she sighs and sits back against the wall. “I'm not going to just stand by and watch someone I look up to pine away like this."

Seulgi mirrors her position with a slight smile. “…You're a good person, Sooyoung."

"I am, aren't I?” she tilts her head to grin winningly at her before softening as she waves a finger admonishingly. "But seriously. You never know until you try."

She’s answered with another shake of the head, accompanied by a solemn smile. "Trying entails confessing, and confessing would probably lead to problems regardless of whether or not she actually likes me back.” Her eyes drift and fall to the fan mail kept in neat piles on her shelf. "We're idols."

"Idols in the same group," she offers, folding her legs over one another in a business-like manner. "PDA wouldn't be that much of a problem for you. And the world is moving forward. People are becoming more accepting."

A scoff. "I'll be sixty and living in the countryside by the time South Korea catches up with Western views."

"You don't know that," Sooyoung argues, but the resigned look in her eyes agrees that yes, it'll probably be true at this rate. "Besides, that's way in the future. Think about now."

Seulgi grimaces. "But what if 'now' ends with her turning me down?"

"Then you'll either get over it or become so heartbroken that you'll never be the same ever again, which might end with early retirement from idol life or something."

"That's encouraging. Really. Thank you, Happiness."

"Don't sass me, Blessing,” she grunts. "I'm trying to be as real with you as I can, here. No sugar-coating."

“And it's appreciated,” Seulgi murmurs reassuringly. "Don't worry."

"Yeah, well, if you want my serious real opinion, I think you're being unreasonably pessimistic,” Sooyoung huffs. "I mean, I'm not sure where you've been looking all this time, but anyone with eyes can see how much Wan-unnie cares about you. It could just as well be the same way that you care about her."

There's a note of conviction in her voice, and Seulgi dampens the spark of hope it ignites with a tight grip on the comforter beside her. “Even if she did, it wouldn’t be as much as —" She stops herself before she says something that's not hers to divulge, covering her slip-up swiftly with a small sigh. “It wouldn’t be to that extent."

If Sooyoung notices it she doesn't ask, instead choosing to badger her over her crush even further. "Come on, you guys are almost constantly all over each other,” she says encouragingly. "You're close, aren't you? There are probably things between you two that even we don't know about, as your fellow members."

Seulgi makes a face at that, because while it's true, it's kind of hard to think about their private moments when they’ve been quite few and far between, recently. “Well…” she leans forward and frowns in thought. “I mean, we sleep together sometimes —"

“You what?!” Sooyoung all but exclaims as Seulgi realises her mistake too late, facepalming herself as the younger girl tries to control her volume. “Since when were you guys —"

“Not like that!” Seulgi babbles, red faced and waving her arms frantically at the girl. “Stop thinking like that!"

"Sooyoung, stop corrupting the bear," Joohyun voice calls through the door as her footsteps pass by, and Sooyoung just about manages a devious laugh.

"Corrupt our Seulgi? Never!"

The leader opens it to pop her head around it a second later, and just gives her a deadpan stare before making a tired 'watching you' motion.

Sooyoung whips back around to face her as soon as she shuts the door again, her cheeks a tad bit pink but nowhere near as dark as Seulgi's current impression of a tomato.

“Well?" Sooyoung hits her with a pillow this time, and Seulgi winces as she fails block it before it hits her face. "Explain yourself!"

Her hands drum and tap nervously on her leg as she struggles not to stumble over her words at the connotations behind her slip-up. “Seungwan sleeps in my bed sometimes," she mumbles. “At first she just started sneaking in when she thought I was asleep, but now it's kind of just become a…thing?"

Sooyoung gives her an exasperated look at the oh-so-articulate conclusion, but it quickly morphs into a narrowed gaze as she sets her fluffy weapon aside, for now. "So last week, when Joohyun-unnie came in to get nail polish...when you guys woke me up..?"

Seulgi flushes red. “Y-Yeah..."

"Jesus.” Her roommate puts a hand to her forehead with her jaw dropped disbelievingly, as if making the single most confounding discovery known to man. “Seriously, I thought you were the only slow one around here, but obviously something happened in 1994 that caused my unnies to be pretty but chronically blind."

"Thanks," Seulgi mutters, a pout forming on her lips as she picks at the pastel green duvet.

"I'm just stating the truth." Sooyoung smiles mischievously at her, but the soft crinkle of her eyes is honest and comforting, and Seulgi just shakes her head with a laugh.

“Sure," she replies flatly, and doesn't question Satan for being so accepting of all this in the first place because she's grateful nonetheless.

That is, until Sooyoung opens her mouth again.

“For the record though, I think you and Wan-unnie would make a cute couple."

"W-Wait —"

“Hamster-Bear couple forever!"

Minimal sleep and back-and-forth bickering fill the rest of the night with hushed fangirling on Sooyoung’s part, and nothing relieves Seulgi more than the fact that she's so supportive about the whole thing. Of course, it doesn’t stop at that late night pestering. Whenever Seulgi starts worrying about being too obvious nowadays, Sooyoung’s there with a knowing smirk and an offhanded comment on her tongue — innocent to others but teasing to her as she stands in Seungwan’s vicinity. It instigates bemused looks from the girl most of the time, since Seulgi tends to go bright crimson with each remark and avoids her fretting enquiries with flustered excuses, bordering on outright denial of having any shade of red clouding her face at all. The constant chaffing continues into the next Friday, when Sooyoung stops only due to her primary target having no one to blush around.

The dorm is unusually quiet when Seungwan’s gone, too.

It’s not that she’s the noisiest of them all, because God knows that Sooyoung and her mini-demon cohort are the loudest troublemakers for miles. No; it’s mostly because she's not there to shut them up that they don't attempt to cause chaos in the first place. It's like some sort of reverse psychology, and as much as Seulgi appreciates the quiet, it's not worth the emptiness in the dorm in the absence of their appointed mother figure.

Their so-called 'hybrid parent' — as coined unusually by Yerim — shoulders the motherly duties as she normally does, making sure the dorm doesn't burst into flames as soon as Seungwan leaves for the airport. That, and somehow she becomes even more like a worried mother when Seungwan isn't there to worry for them. Which includes worrying about Seulgi too, apparently. She's sitting at the kitchen counter, contemplating herself and reevaluating everything she's done in life for the third time that day when Joohyun sits across her all of a sudden with a mug of tea in hand. Then, when she doesn’t look up, she slides it over to her without a sound. 

"What's wrong?" she asks softly after a moment, the beginnings of a frown dipping at her brow.

"Nothing," Seulgi answers automatically, garnering a dubious look from her older friend that turns into a searching stare when she remains silent. Eventually she relents though, and they both sit in tense quiet until Seulgi opens her mouth, closes it, and inhales. “Do you think I think too much?"

Joohyun seems to roll the question around in her head, pressing her lips together pensively before speaking. “Yes," comes her quiet reply. “Why do you ask?"

She shrugs as noncommittally as possible. “No reason."

The eldest looks at her for a moment, her stare heavy yet unimposing in a way that only Joohyun ever seems to be able to accomplish. She sighs eventually, crossing her legs over one another under the table. “Do you think it's a bad thing?"

Seulgi eyes an old mark on the surface of the countertop, tracing around it absently with her finger. “Sometimes…” she says finally, sotto voce. "Yes."

Joohyun hums like she knows already. They've been friends for close to seven years, after all. They were the two best dancers out of all the female trainees, and so they stuck together like glue. Joohyun pats her hand like she used to when Seulgi was still adjusting to the skinship overload, and when the younger one bows her head there's the sound of the chair scraping across the floor. Footsteps pad over to her in the second, and Seulgi doesn't bother glancing up before she’s feels herself being pulled into a hug. The Daegu-born beauty has a sort of warmth about her that reminds her of her mother back in Ansan, and so she wraps her arms around her friend in response; almost smiling at the irony of it all when technically, this girl is also her rival in love. And sometimes she wishes to be her, too.

To be Joohyun is to be adored by Seungwan, after all. Truly a joke by the universe's hand, at her expense.

When they pull away Joohyun is ushering her to help prepare lunch, She must have seen the exhaustion in her eyes, because she isn't scolding and smacking Seulgi on her arm, settling only for light pats on the butt that serve as Joohyun's version of silent assurance. It works, because Seulgi is flinching away like she normally does, whining at the older girl for touching her butt in lieu of her usual victim being absent.

"But you both have such cute butts!" Joohyun defends herself with a hearty laugh, making a point of poking her rear again before shooing her away from the stove after she finishes chopping the carrots. "Now go wait with Sooyoung, before you accidentally set fire to our food."

Seulgi sticks her tongue out at her and narrowly dodges a flying cabbage half on her way out, making a beeline to the sofa in case she has to take cover again. Sooyoung gives her an unamused look when she accidentally sits on her legs in her haste, and just as she gets comfortable on the seat the pocket of her jeans buzzes with a familiar ringtone.

The device is whipped out in a flash and the token charismatic member ignores the smirk of her younger companion, almost dropping it in her haste to answer the call with a breathless, "Hello?"

"Hey, you," Seungwan greets softer than usual, and Seulgi notes the dry quality of her voice with a frown.

“Hey, what's up?” She shifts in her place on the sofa, turning the volume of the television down and ignoring Sooyoung’s mumbled protest beside her. "Did something happen?"

"We were just a little delayed.” Seungwan clears her throat and some of the hoarseness is gone, but only a little. Seulgi bites her lip, pulls a cushion onto her lap. "Got through check in and everything three hours ago, but the plane's only just arrived half an hour before."

“And have you eaten yet?"

"Yeah. How're you doing? Have you or the maknaes burned down the dorm yet?"

"No," Seulgi chuckles, glancing at the second maknae in question as she sings softly to an ad on the TV at the other end of the sofa. "But that's only because unnie decided just to let me help prepare the ingredients today. No actual cooking. Not without your master chef supervision, at least."

Seungwan giggles softly. "Sounds like you guys miss me a lot."

"I do," she immediately replies, before she collects herself and amends, "We do.” Seungwan still isn’t responding, and it's a reminder for her to continue slowly, carefully. "Make sure to drink lots of water, okay? You can probably grab some tea or something."

Seungwan’s voice comes back a little brighter, a little more ‘Wendy’ this time. "Hey, I thought I was the mom of the group."

"You are,” Seulgi agrees lightly. "But you're always taking care of other people. You should take care of yourself, too."

(You should be taken care of, too.)

“Noted, unnie,” Seungwan finally says, a hint of laughter in her tone that has Seulgi smiling softly.

“Well, this unnie says stop biting your thumb, because it’ll leave a mark," she retorts playfully, and Seungwan doesn’t answer for a moment.

“How did you —?” A pause, and she can practically see the girl shaking her head with a slight smile. “I’ll stop when you stop biting your lip.”

“Bad habits for both of us,” Seulgi concurs, sliding down a little in her seat.

“Hey, is that Seungwan-unnie?” Yerim’s suddenly bouncing out of her bedroom with her phone in hand, leaping onto the sofa beside Seulgi and narrowly missing Sooyoung’s legs as she pulls them out of the way. “Guys, Seulgi's talking to Seungwan and she didn't tell us!"

Sooyoung groans, but doesn't move to get up. "Quit hogging her will you, Care Bear?"

"Seungwan," Joohyun greets, coming out of nowhere to lean over the headrest of the sofa, beside Seulgi's shoulder. "How is everything going?"

"Just fine," she chirps back, her voice lighter as she launches into recounting of the trip to the airport and the check-in process, as well as a brief mention of a longer wait time than anticipated. Altogether, nothing too worrying that brings a crease to anyone’s brows but Seulgi’s, who sits there silently throughout it all with an out-of-place frown on her lips. No one seems to notice as they focus on the device in her hands though, laughing at her story of being mistaken for a foreigner at security and mostly getting through unnoticed by fans and the like.

"We're being called to board now,” Seungwan continues, after promising to bring back tasty food from Dubai for the maknaes. "I'll call after I land?"

"Of course,” Joohyun smiles, glancing down as an alarm goes off on her phone. "Take care and see you later, okay?"

“M’kay,” their main vocalist chimes back as Yerim pipes up again with a, “Love you unnie!” and multiple aegyo-filled kissing noises that elicit complaints from the older girl through her laughter.

“Have a safe trip!” Sooyoung sing-songs as the eldest returns to the kitchenette to finish preparing their meal, and Seulgi listens to the equally jolly reply with a soft smile before she sees the line cut off with a beep. Sooyoung gives her a funny look as she lifts her thumb from the touchscreen, but when she says nothing the other girl just sighs and props her feet on her lap to lie down with her head at the other end of the sofa. Lunch passes as usual, except Seungwan isn’t there to mediate Yerim and Sooyoung’s bickering and Joohyun just leaves them be with a fond roll of her eyes.

The sofa becomes her retreat again after that, as the others are either studying and reading fan forums online or practicing lines alone without the help of their missing member. She finds herself opening up their Instagram before long, debating on whether or not to upload something before deciding to just scroll through comments of their previous post. Soon enough one particular comment jumps out at her in all its caps locked glory, accompanied by blue and yellow heart emojis and various other emoticons slotted in among the ‘seuldy’s that litter the comment section. There are ‘wenseul’s too, and one comment further down even asks about a duet song cover from her and Seungwan.

“’Ninetyfourever’ and 'seul111'…” she reads aloud quietly, scrolling down the spam briefly before smiling to herself. “Well, I guess we’re rooting for the same team."

“Are you talking to yourself again?"

Yerim’s suddenly standing beside the sofa with a packet of honey butter chips in hand, and Seulgi jumps in her seat before locking her phone swiftly. “Oh, uh —“ she gulps, avoiding the judging eyebrow that’s raised her way. “No. Not at all."

“Right,” the maknae drawls, sitting down next to her. “What were you doing, then?"

Seulgi unlocks her phone and discreetly scrolls back up the feed. “Reading,” she replies as smoothly as possible, flashing her screen at the girl as proof. "Comments. The fan's comments. On Instagram…With my phone."

Yerim crunches a mouthful of her snack and draws her feet up onto her seat to tuck them underneath herself. “Oh really?"

The older girl nods vehemently. “Really."

“Hmm.” She puts the packet down on the coffee table with deliberation before sitting back. “Hmm." Yerim tilts her head to the side, furrowing her brow in thought as Seulgi shifts uncomfortably under the younger girl's scrutiny.

“…Is there something on my face?"

"No, no,” the maknae waves her hand dismissively, but leans in to inspect her closely with a squint. "Wait, I've got it,” she snaps her fingers, and sits back with a triumphant smile. "You're sick."

Seulgi blinks, feels her forehead with the back of her hand, and frowns. "I don't think so…?"

Yerim shakes her head. "No, I'm pretty sure you are.” She shuffles closer and nudges her leg. "Come on, let Doctor Kim have a look at you."

"Yerim —"

"Hush now, dear patient.” The hand that wasn’t previously used to handle honey butter chips is held up in her face to halt any further protest, and Yerim shifts forward to press her palm over Seulgi’s forehead. "Ah, I see.” She pats the older girl’s cheeks, and turns her head from side to side with a finger against her chin. "Mhm…” Leaning back again, she sucks in a breath through her teeth and shakes her head. "Oh my…” Seulgi can only frown at her as she puts a solemn hand on her shoulder. “Seulgi-unnie."

"What…?” Her voice comes out more timid than she’s comfortable with, and somehow Yerim actually looks grave about this.

"It seems that you have a very serious case indeed,” the seventeen year-old says, frowning deeply now. "I mean, I've only read about this on healthcare sites, but it's best to go see an actual doctor about it."

Seulgi purses her lips, automatically preparing herself for the worst. "What? What is it?"

"I'm ninety-seven percent sure about this," Yerim continues, hand placed firmly on her shoulder. "But I'm afraid you may be completely and utterly —" A pause, a sigh, and a single breath of:

"Lovesick."

It takes a few seconds for Seulgi to recognise the pure mischief in the younger girl's eyes, and by the time she even yells a, "Kim Yerim!" the youngest has already barricaded herself in her room with a cackle, her snack left forgotten on the coffee table as Seulgi cups her burning cheeks in her hands.

"What's all the noise about?” A new, less annoying voice intervenes as their leader emerges from the laundry room with her cue cards in hand, one eyebrow cocked questioningly at the red-faced girl sitting by herself on the sofa.

"Hyun-ah,” Seulgi sighs, slumping in her seat with her phone held protectively to her stomach, as if to help hide the evidence of her supposed ‘lovesickness'. "It's nothing. Just Yerim being…Yerim."

"Oh?” Joohyun takes a bottle of water from the fridge before leaning on the kitchen island to watch her. "What was she teasing you about this time?"

Seulgi groans and throws an arm over her forehead. “Unnie…"

The older brunette shrugs. "It's an innocent question, Seul."

And it is, but Seulgi shouldn’t have let herself get this affected by the teasing in the first place. The look in Yerim’s eyes was too knowing though, and while she’s a hundred percent human — albeit maybe with a little demon thrown in — there’s no way she could know about her crush without some supernatural power aiding her in somehow surmising her feelings for Seungwan. Or maybe Seulgi is just that obvious.

…Or maybe Sooyoung told her.

"She said I'm lovesick,” she admits, finally.

Joohyun stares at her for a long moment. “…Is that all?"

Blood rushes to her cheeks yet again, and Seulgi looks away with an embarrassed, "Y-Yeah."

Her older friend straightens up with a small smile that has her brows furrowing in confusion at the mischief behind it. "Well,” Joohyun starts, seemingly innocent. "I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think she might be right."

It takes a beat or two for her words to compute. "Wait, what do you —"

"Oh, would you look at the time, I have to go to work,” Joohyun says breezily, dashing to the front door despite it being a whole hour before her scheduled departure for the Music Bank studio. “I’ll see you guys when I get back!"

"U-Unnie!"

The door slams shut behind her and leaves her alone with her thoughts again, and when Sooyoung passes by on her way to grab a cup of coffee she just shakes her head with a muttered, “Hopeless bear…” under her breath. Which isn’t far off from the truth, but still. She’s managed to snag a glimpse at Seulgi’s notebook, and safe to say the couple of sketches she saw of Seungwan made for enough material for her to be victimised for the rest of her idol-life by the girl.

Thank God she’s never bothered to peek at Seulgi’s phone, though. It’s bad enough that the resident queen of evil knows about her crush and the few drawings of said crush, but to let her see what plays on her phone at night? Absolute mortification.

That, and she’d rather not explain why she continuously listens to a mix of Seungwan’s OST’s and the songs she’s recommended to Seulgi on a daily basis. And they're all compiled into their very own ‘sleep music’ playlist, no less — right alongside soundtracks of oceans and nature and everything else Seulgi loves to listen to in her dreams.

(She’s not a hopeless romantic. She swears she’s not.

She just feels closer to her this way.)

That night she happens to be listening to a mixture of Troye Sivan and ocean sounds and everything else that sings blue and vibrant when her phone buzzes suddenly in the darkness, cutting off the music in her earphones as a jingling melody takes over. She groans quietly before reaching out to grab the device, squinting at the notification from KakaoTalk before shutting her eyes and swiping her screen to accept the call. Her “Hello?” comes out as more of a muffled grunt, and she’s just about to hang up at the quiet that answers back when a voice stops her.

"Seulgi?"

The sound crackles in the silence, and Seulgi mistakes it for her ears playing some weird trick on her mind, or the other way around. Until Seungwan speaks again, soft and hesitant.

"Seul, are you awake?"

She adjusts her earbuds, rolls onto her back to face the ceiling with a hum. “I am now.”

A short pause, and an exhale. “Sorry."

“It's 'kay,” Seulgi mumbles, and Seungwan laughs quietly, shifting on the other side of the line.

“Is everyone else asleep?" she asks then, and the older one curls up in response.

"I think so," she replies softly, fiddling with a loose thread on her pillow as she bites back the smile growing on her lips. The drowsiness of her body battles the excitement beating in her veins, resulting in a an unusual mix of fatigue and restlessness as she holds back the urge to jump out of bed and pace around, maybe head into the front room to continue the call more privately, without the possibility of waking the others. The thing is Seungwan called her and not Joohyun, and it shouldn't feel like a victory but she called her earlier today as well, and she'll take anything she can get.

There's the sound of a honk — probably the traffic on the other end — and a huff, before Seungwan's voice pulls her back down from her thoughts. "What time is it over there?"

Seulgi shrugs, before remembering they can't actually see each other. "Two? Maybe three." A lengthy yawn escapes her mouth as she pulls the covers up more, grinning to herself as she recites a familiar radio show line. "Shall we…go to bed now?"

A momentary silence is followed by a short click of the tongue. "I hate you."

Seulgi giggles quietly. "You love me."

Seungwan just snorts softly. “You’re lucky I do," she mutters, warm as ever in her teasing.

Again with the affection. Seulgi inhales, shuts her eyes, and briefly considers Googling 'How to tell your best friend not to say things that make you want to kiss her'.

"Aren't you tired?” Seungwan’s beginning to sound increasingly more like a lullaby, and Seulgi fights to keep herself awake by pressing the heel of her palm to her eyes for a moment.

“Nope," she replies as she brings her hands away from her face, wrapping an arm around the stuffed white teddy bear that she stole from the girl's bed, tucked safely under her covers as a substitute for the owner herself. “Not really."

She can practically see the skeptical raise of an eyebrow now. “You don’t sound too sure."

“How can you be sure that I don’t sound too sure?"

“If we were face to face, you’d likely be avoiding looking at me," Seungwan replies matter-of-factly. "Biting your lip. Probably fidgeting with your clothes."

Seulgi scoffs, burying her face further into her pillow. “If we were face to face, we wouldn’t be talking like this right now."

It strikes a chord in the conversation that they haven't touched on since that fateful evening when Seulgi found the main vocalist crying on her bed, and it's not something she should have really brought up when one of them is on the brink of sleep and the other is miles away, stuck in the middle of traffic.

And yet here they are, addressing things that they’re not used to exposing to the light, because evidently, Seulgi is a coward, and Seungwan is…

Seungwan is a mystery.

“Seulgi…” Said girl begins, and the rumble of a car engine indicates that they’ve started moving again. “I meant what I said, the other week. You know I'm here for anything you want to talk about, whenever you need me."

"I know.” Why do I feel like you’re distancing yourself from me, then? "I know,” she sighs again, fingers combing through her hair. “But you should stop worrying about me."

Seungwan inhales and exhales slowly, the static of the phone line tickling the hairs on the back of Seulgi's neck like a quiet breath.

“Yes. Well.” A pause. "Bad habit, I guess."

It draws a gentle laugh out of her despite herself, lips curling into an easy smile against the pillow as the dancer closes her eyes. "Well, not necessarily bad,” she replies, drawing a soft chuckle from the other girl while she reaches out to hold Seungwan’s plush animal absently.

"It's hard not to,” the owner responds slowly, sounding too honest to be jesting, at this point. "You know."

Lithe fingers stop their drumming on the stuffed bear’s fur, pressing at the spot where it’s heart would be, if it were alive and finding it just as hard to breathe with Seungwan speaking with such sweet concern over the line. It's the opposite of what she needs right now, but what she wants is Seungwan’s attention — even at the cost of that unending ache in her chest. It effectively blurs rational thoughts into doubt and weariness, all but promoted by the confusing enigma that is Son Seungwan and her affinity for mixed signals.

Seulgi thinks that she should put an end to it; maybe try hurting her back. Push her away and see if it affects Seungwan as much as it affects herself. “Yeah,” she says anyway, and the uncertainty in her voice isn’t remarked upon this time as her same-aged friend sighs.

(They’ve been doing a lot of it with each other, lately. Sighing.

Maybe it’s a sign. But of what, she has no clue.)

“You didn’t say goodbye,” Seungwan says suddenly, and Seulgi blinks at the snowy stuffed bear at her side.

“Pardon?"

“Earlier.” Her voice is soft, and Seulgi inhales at the sound. “You didn’t say goodbye to me. I mean — I didn’t hear you, at least.”

She closes her eyes as she breathes out. “Do you want me to say it now?"

“Well, you should sleep now,” the slightly younger one murmurs, the background noise of Dubai buzzing back again. "We’ll talk tomorrow?"

Seulgi hums. "Alright. I’ll expect another call, then."

Seungwan’s careful smile flashes its way across her mind’s eye in place of the real thing. “Sweet dreams, Seul."

“Goodnight, Wan-ah."

There’s another murmur from Seungwan's line, and Seulgi blinks at the beep of her ending the call three seconds later, ringing with the echo of her parting words in the darkness. She stares at her phone screen for a while after that with her lip caught between her teeth, and tries not to think about it too much. Seungwan is the type of person to express her feelings openly, after all — to be affectionate when she wants to and tell people they're gorgeous just so they feel like they really are gorgeous.

(But she's not the type to say things and not mean them, and that's what keeps Seulgi guessing, most of the time.)

The “I love you” that Seungwan bade her goodbye with must have been purely platonic, though. Of course it was. How could it be anything else?

It doesn't stop the tightness in her chest though, and even when her phone displays a bright 02:21 on its screen her eyes refuse to shut, her mind refuses rest, and her heart refuses reprieve from it all. Talking to Seungwan nowadays is like taking one step forward and walking into pitfalls each time, falling deeper with every one with no control over where she lands, or how she lands. Guaranteed, it won’t be soft or easy next time. It never is.

She's spent the past few months telling herself otherwise anyway, assuring herself that friendship is enough and that it's all just temporary. Just a phase of crushing on your best friend, as best friends do. Except it’s a little more than that, and really — she should have opened her eyes to all the red flags instead of trying to delude herself all this time.

(Perhaps then she wouldn’t be here. Hopeless and waiting, longing for more.)

There's no use fighting it now though, because yes; she’s a little bit in love with her. She can admit to that much but nothing further, and that’s all the reality she needs. In the future she might actually be able to say it out loud. Possibly even to someone other than herself.

But for now? There's nothing that can be done that won't risk ending in collateral damage of some kind, not to mention the potential severance of their friendship. She knows better than to tread carelessly across an open space of eggshells and secrets that she was never meant to know about a girl who's dug herself so deeply into her heart, and so Seulgi is content with staying still in this moment. For Seungwan, she has patience.

She can wait. As long as she's able to stand beside her, she'll wait. They still have time together, time that Seulgi is willing to use to figure out what she can afford to win or lose in a situation that’s neither a competition or a war, as much as it feels like it. Maybe she’ll stop feeling like this. Maybe she’ll tell her.

One of these days; maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit of a struggle + was kind of forced out, so if there's anything that doesn't read well then feel free to point it out.


	6. interlude i: rinse & repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She confuses herself, sometimes.

Seulgi cries a lot.

Seungwan knows this for a fact.

Her fellow vocalist and 94-liner had a dam's worth of tears inside her, and as such she's bound to leak the waterworks at some point or another. She's the kind of person who gets emotional with Disney films and clichéd dramas — someone who gets attached to stories too easily and hates sad endings with a passion.

(It's actually even more adorable than it sounds.)

In fact, the second time they met was because Seulgi was bawling her eyes out.

Seungwan's sessions at SM then had been entirely made up of meeting some of the trainees and instructors and getting into her schedule for each day to come. Vocal practice, break, dance practice, lunch, language classes here and there to brush up on her Korean, and free time to do it all over again by herself. There were even lessons on pop culture and etiquette and how to behave in interviews and shows. All of it was pretty straightforward.

Then she decided to turn up to dance class early and opened the door to find a lanky girl in an orange vest, curled up at the corner of the room in a sobbing ball of heartbreak, personified.

And Seungwan, being Seungwan, panicked.

She had instantly rattled off worried Korean at the crying figure in between frantic bits of English, dashing over to crouch beside the stranger and reaching for a pack of tissues that she always kept ready in her Jansport bag.

"Are you okay?" the newbie had asked, before immediately backtracking. "Actually no, you don't look okay, that was a dumb question. Sorry."

The girl in the tangerine top had looked up and laughed a little in return, her nose red and her face damp with tears that still continued to trickle from glittering cat-like eyes.

Pretty even while crying. Definitely unfair.

(But honestly, she looked like a mess. A cute, crying mess.)

The name 'Seulgi' had instantly sprung to mind with the sight of those monolid eyes peering up at her, and Seungwan had shot her a small smile as she immediately went to sit down beside the girl. One wad of tissues later the snivelling had died down and there was nothing left to wipe her cheeks with, and Seulgi took a deep breath.

"My brother's goldfish died,” were the first words she said, flushed pink with eyes swelling slightly beneath her curtain of hair.

Seungwan had let her jaw fall loose at the information, and a thousand thoughts immediately bubbled to mind — the most prominent being, I thought these kinds of people only existed in fiction — before she settled on: "That's terrible, I'm so sorry."

And it was terrible, because she’s lost her own goldfish to disease and the odd wandering cat and it’s not the nicest thing in the world, but still. It wasn't even her own goldfish that Seulgi was crying over. It was her brother's.

(She had reckoned then that, as far as trainees went, this one was probably the most memorable. Unless everyone else was as unique as this unusual person in her company.)

“They were so small and they always followed my hand and nibbled at my fingers and they were named after Gyeonu and Jingnyeo,” Seulgi had blubbered in one go, rubbing her thumb at the curve of her cheek as the last of her tears subsided.

Seungwan's hand had automatically reached up to pat her head and gently push away the hair stuck to her eyelashes, almost familiar in the motion. She had always been the go-to pillar of support for her friends back in Canada, after all.

“It’s okay, they’re in a better place now," was all she could offer in consolation though. A better place being…flushed down the toilet into the sewers. Or buried in a garden, probably. Then up to goldfish heaven?

Her sniffling acquaintance seemed to take comfort in her words anyway, wiping her eyes with the back of her arms in a fashion echoing that of a child's before looking up at her properly. "Thank you," she had said quietly, before pausing and regarding the petite trainee with a watery smile. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you with all this crying."

Seungwan returned her own in kind. "You're not bothering me," she responded brightly.

"Still," Seulgi had mumbled, rubbing away the last of her tears furiously until the other girl took her hands in a gentle but firm grip.

"Hey, hey, you'll damage your eyes like that!" she scolded her lightly, and the taller one offered a sheepish smile and a whispered "Sorry," in return. Seungwan just shook her head, feeling almost as if she were addressing an old friend. It felt weird, to say the least, but she never thought to dwell on it back then.

"There's no need to apologise, but your eyes will get red,” she chided, and Seulgi had chuckled, shrugging.

"Oh, I can just put ice on them or something. I'm actually more worried about the state of my voice, with all this crying…"

"Warm water helps a bunch," Seungwan immediately advised, watching her rub at the base of her neck while grimacing; probably at its soreness. "Achy throats are the worst, huh?"

A woeful nod.

"Tell me about it. Especially when you're singing and it feels like you're swallowing a load of fur or something."

"You'd probably be able to hide it well, though,” she said reassuringly. "I've heard you. You're a good singer."

"Well I'm not as good as you,” Seulgi giggled. “You sing like Beyoncé."

"Beyoncé?" The comparison was about as startling as it was flattering, and the Canadian could only continue to smile at the full-blown grin that began to light up the other girl’s face.

"Absolutely!" Seulgi practically gushed, dead pet goldfish seemingly forgotten with the 180 degree turn of mood. "I heard you singing when you first came in, except I didn't get to listen for long because Joohyun dragged me off to get bubble tea, but —“ She had seemed to lose her words, waving an enthusiastic hand while inhaling a lungful of air. "I mean, you're so cool!"

"R-Really?” Seungwan had blinked, caught halfway between blushing at the praise and gaping like a fish — at which she saw the irony of all too well.

An impassioned nod answered her in tandem with a sparkling eyesmile. "Really! With talent like yours, you're bound to debut as a main vocalist."

"I, uh —" The heat that tinged at her neck had instantly reminded her not to let her guard down, especially around girls like this one. Keeping herself in check was of the utmost importance, what with her personal preferences being accepted a lot differently in the Western world compared to its Eastern counterpart. Hence, naturally, overly sweet females with heartwarming eyesmiles were instant alarm bells in her head.

(It never did stop her cheeks from flushing bright red at the compliment.)

"Th-Thank you…?"

They stared at one another then in contrasting silence; one of bashfulness, and the other of pure awe. That is, until the latter snapped out of her temporary daze and bowed her head hurriedly.

"Sorry, I talk a lot mindlessly sometimes,” she winced, biting her lip and scratching the back of her neck bashfully. "We barely know each other, too."

"It's alright, really." Seungwan couldn’t help but smile as she recalled having the girl approach her first; a stranger whom she offered her water to a few weeks before while at their profile shoot. She remembered introducing herself, and how she rolled the name around inside her head after the other replied back warmly.

Kang Seulgi. A girl with a dangerous smile and a penchant for crying over deceased pets that don’t belong to her.

Seungwan probably should have listened to those alarm bells at the time.

“Well,” she said instead, content to carry on talking to this quirky but endearing trainee while she could. "I guess we can get to know each other a lot better now."

It had definitely been what she was thinking but probably not what she should have been saying, and if it wasn't for Seulgi's responding grin Seungwan would have face-palmed herself at sounding so much like she was hitting on the girl.

"Oh, actually —” the taller girl began, shifting in her seat so that they were facing one another properly. Seungwan had almost angled herself off to the side more, just to avoid being focused on so fully like that. “I know everyone calls you Wendy, but what would you prefer me to call you?"

"Whichever works best for you," she shrugged, folding her legs and stretching them out and internally panicking over seeming flustered in her attempts not to seem flustered. "Son Wendy, Son Seungwan. It's all the same."

Seulgi had nodded, looking at her for a single, pensive moment as if she could tell how much she actually favoured the latter name. “Son Seungwan,” she repeated slowly, oblivious to the way the shorter girl paused and watched her carefully, fully prepared to wince at the inevitable, “Isn’t that a boy’s name?” that would always follow. Except it never came, and all that answered her then was a simple smile and an enthused, “Seungwan sounds good!"

SM's newest addition could only smile back at her helplessly, instilled with the boundless warmth that seemed to emit from the girl's every pore. "Fine by me," she grinned back, fighting to keep it from spreading too wide as she relaxed; the stage fright of being in this girl’s spotlight averted, for now.

Seulgi had laughed, nodding as the door opened and a couple of younger trainees' voices filtered in. “I hope we become good friends, Seungwan-sshi!"

The eighteen year old had beamed back at her, filled with a newfound confidence on her path to become a singer, and all that inevitably would come with it. They were going to be good friends. She could feel it.

And she proved herself right. They quickly bonded over their 'same month, same year' birthdays and similarly thoughtful approaches to life, along with frequent exchanges of music recommendations between them. By the end of a mere two weeks they became almost attached at the hip, overruled only by the fact that Seulgi and Joohyun were almost inseparable otherwise.

To tell the truth, the older girl had been difficult to befriend at first. Sometimes she would sit in on their guitar sessions, where Seungwan would teach Seulgi chords and the latter would complain about the pads of her fingers while strumming the strings with a joyous grin on her face. Other times it would be Seungwan on the sidelines, watching the two dancers practicing a couple routine involving chairs and high heels and the kind of synchronicity that could only be achieved from years of training together.

Never were they ever together without Seulgi acting as a bridge, because Joohyun clung to the girl like a koala most of the time and Seungwan was only really comfortable if her usual companion was around with her. That was what brought her growing hope staggering back along the line of things she had to leave behind in Canada. Seulgi was fast becoming her best friend; her only friend in a place more competitive and harsh than university could ever have been. But Joohyun was there beside Seulgi already — a constant figure, and an intimidating one, at that.

Of course, they had to form a bridge of some kind without the resident ace at some point or another, even if Seungwan had managed to avoid Joohyun's clutches most of the time. It just happened to be when she least expected it.

"Seungwan-sshi…?"

The sky had grown dark outside despite the early evening. The practice room was wintry and Seungwan was hungry and really not in the mood to see anyone but her bear-like friend. But Seulgi had eventually gone back to rest up at the Canadian's insistence (which she regretted five minutes after shooing her home), and the voice calling her name was soft, yet bold. Familiar, but not that much.

“Y-Yes?” She jumped to attention and hurried to turn off the music that she had been attempting to perfect the choreography for. It had been almost two hours and she still wasn't up to par, and now there was the epitome of human perfection walking in on her private dance session. Great. “Joohyun-sshi," she managed to say without seeming too startled, but the older girl was glancing at the stereo then back to her, pursing her lips and speaking again in that hushed tone of hers.

“Your footwork was off."

It had been blunt and out of the blue, and Seungwan couldn’t bring herself to even be hurt by the statement because of how simply it was put. Her footwork was definitely off, she knew. She just didn’t expect Bae Joohyun — or Irene, as she’s being called more often now — to be the one to point it out. “Oh,” was all she could respond with. "Um."

Her senior stared for some seconds before she seemed to transform in a split second, her hardy gaze easing into one that would only really come out around the other, younger kids. “Sorry,” she said, serene as ever, and Seungwan could barely get out an “It’s alright,” before the older girl was looking at her earnestly. “Here, let me help you."

As unprecedented as it was the offer was there, and it felt like an olive branch worth taking. But it was mostly the shy hope in Joohyun’s stare — somehow hesitant and bold at the same time — that found Seungwan nodding so quickly. She was rewarded with a slight smile, an upturn of the eyes (not enough to form endearingly sweet crescents), and about an hour later she was moving in sync with the elder trainee, step for step and almost as smooth in her movements.

“That’s it,” Joohyun had smiled gently as they wiped the sweat from their faces afterwards, and any tiny doubts Seungwan had about the older girl's high school rumours were completely quashed then. With a smile like that, Bae Joohyun would most definitely have had guys and girls clamouring to see her during class.

Seungwan bowed deeply at the girl, feeling the adrenaline of accomplishment running through her veins as she grinned brightly and inwardly cooed at how shyly Joohyun smiled back. Cute. “Thank you, Joohyun-sshi."

“You can call me unnie, you know,” the other girl had returned, her eyes alight with that playful glint that Seungwan only ever saw when they were accompanied by Seulgi. But she wasn't here, and they were on their own, and maybe it counted as Joohyun becoming her friend. Because it did, after that. Though she previously thought it impossible, with her own awkwardness and Joohyun’s inwardness, she saw how Seulgi smiled even brighter as the oldest of them began clinging to Seungwan too; laughed louder at how Seungwan didn’t hesitate to join Joohyun in giggling at her own over-exaggerated expressions.

Joohyun made it easier to be around Seulgi, in a way. She drew the focus away a little; swayed Seungwan's feet before they could step onto sheets of thin ice with ‘best friend’ and ‘conservative society’ carved into the surface. Not that having Kang Seulgi as her friend was difficult to begin with.

(But God, it was; it still is.)

The only catch in the plan was that Seungwan fell for shy smiles and comforting hands too, and for a few months it was Joohyun who awed her with her flawless dance, gentle touches, and warm words. Her beauty and strength of character was something behold of course, though even while Seungwan found herself feeling affection for the petite young woman Seulgi was still there to smile her way to the top again; and so the budding singer almost found herself cursing her for it.

Who is even allowed to have that kind of power? Who gave her the right, when Seungwan had been chasing after this dream since her childhood?

And it hurt more simply because they were both running for the same goal. She never let herself forget that. Not when Seulgi would compliment her so readily, so genuinely; not when she would give small, more meaningful smiles behind the doors of practice rooms; and certainly not when she’d catch herself staring at the girl as they talked about the things they wanted to do most as singers.

It was a good thing that Seungwan had been into extracurricular activities since a young age. Golf class and Glee club and every other thing she did before South Korea carried over even past her high school days, because outside of her usual classes in SM she would teach herself more self-control and acting than her hired trainers ever could. And she’d be damned if she ever let herself slip up and doom herself — doom Seulgi, even — by slipping up and spilling her heart.

So she savoured her crush on Joohyun. She tried to grab a handle on how much she indulged herself in her habits, reigning herself in whenever she could to avoid leaning on Seulgi and sleeping next to her. She got sleeping pills, and when Seulgi foiled even that she decided to convince herself that it really was too cold in her own bed; that Seulgi was a good, equally warm alternative to suffocating layers of clothing. She even let herself stoop so low as to allow her bandmate to assume she had feelings for Joohyun, playing up her past crush on their leader as much as possible during their 'The Velvet’ promotions. All in hopes that it might come back and drown out the war in her head, and make things a little bit simpler for her to deal with. Just like back in her predebut days.

It never did.

Seungwan still wonders why. Joohyun was a great friend, and often times the perfect advisor and pillar of support that Seungwan found herself appreciating more and more as time went by. As odd as it was back then, she let herself fall as far as she could for the older girl. Joohyun was the perfect crush.

More importantly, Joohyun was not Seulgi. Seulgi was perilous in the gentlest of ways, tugging insistently at limbs and lungs and heart like the tide in an ocean too deep and too scary for Seungwan to venture into. But Joohyun was there, untouchable and beautiful and warm. She never burned Seungwan’s skin with a mere sweep of her gaze, only gave her sparks of energy in firm but careful hands when she needed it. Joohyun was unattainable. Joohyun was safe.

And Seulgi —

Seulgi was her best friend. No more, no less. She was the one who took care of her like Seungwan took care of others, guiding her in dance and accompanying her in song and doing her best to accommodate her casual skinship, even despite being so awkward about it with just about everyone else; Joohyun included. Seulgi was something she never wanted to change in her life, and the last thing she ever wanted to do was become the catalyst in making the girl leave her.

(Seungwan would have argued that those were the main reasons why she could never —

Not Seulgi.)

Thus, in typical Seungwan fashion, she kept her distance. She let her own affectionate nature lead her towards an equally-affectionate Joohyun, who was all too happy to reciprocate hand-holds and backhugs and casual touches that never failed to set off a fleeting flurry of butterflies in her stomach. She could only think of how much more tolerable it was, compared to the wildfire in her chest that would always spread when Seulgi would do any of those things. So she did well to keep a safe, calculated distance however she could.

Save for the one time; the only time she ever slipped up.

They had been celebrating their coming-of-age with fried chicken and alcohol, and Seulgi had already become the captain of skinship about five shots of soju before Seungwan had even reached her third mouthful.

“Y'know what I hate?" she slurred into the smaller one's shoulder, boxes of chicken left forgotten on the floor of her dorm room as they sat side by side on the bed. An empty bottle of alcohol lay between them, and it was probably the most rebellious thing Seungwan — and likely Seulgi — had ever done. Yet the risk of getting caught and punished didn’t feel as scary when they were just sitting alone together.

“Skinship?” the Canadian suggested after a moment, blinking down at the sinewy arm currently wrapped around her waist. “Is what I thought."

There was a faint smell of the perfume Sooyoung gifted them lingering in the air, mixing with the scent of freesias and geraniums that Joohyun insisted she bought for the meanings, and not the colours. Seungwan had found herself staring at them as Seulgi shifted towards her and sighed, the soft vibration shaking the nerves beneath the veins of the shorter girl's neck. “Not if it’s with you,” she murmured against her skin, fingers tapping phantom rhythms on the porcelain sliver of Seungwan's waist, where her shirt had ridden up to expose the flesh.

“What is it then?” the slightly younger one asked, a little more quiet and a lot more nervous. She inhaled then, and it didn't smell of purple flowers or perfume. Traces of vanilla and sweet citrus invaded her senses instead, and she had forgotten to exhale for fear of losing it.

(Would Seulgi have even remembered anything?)

“I get attached to things. Especially things that shouldn’t matter as much as they do." The hand on her waist continued on, and the paler brunette heaved a trembling exhale against her embrace as her words grew weak. “My heart is clingier than I am."

The clock on the bedside table flashed one AM, and all Seungwan could do was watch the digital green colon wink each second away till the moment she knew she would have to let go. So instead of wondering if they would ever be able to be like this with each other again, she shut her eyes and let herself feel. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing,” she said after a lingering moment of silence, wondering to herself what kind of words would keep Seulgi close, and what would push her away.

She got her answer once Seulgi’s fingers stopped abruptly, stone still and hot on the edges of her ribs as she proceeded to turn and bury her face into Seungwan’s shirt. It was seconds later that she felt her fellow trainee's breathing run ragged and slow, and even then it was a while later till she finally registered the fact that the material around her shoulder had become damp.

Seulgi was crying.

She was crying, so Seungwan didn’t do anything. She, of all people, knew that the best thing to do for someone crying in pain was to let them weep until they tired out. Then was the time to talk; to help.

“It is a bad thing,” came a small voice from her shoulder minutes later, scratchy and hoarse even with how silently she had been sobbing. “It is, when all your friends leave you. One way or another."

It struck a chord in her chest, her rational had instantly begun singing to the familiar tune of how to keep your best friend from leaving you.

Keep your distance. Focus your attention elsewhere. But make sure you’re there for her; as a friend.

True to her own weaknesses, Seungwan did the opposite, and didn’t move a muscle.

“Joohyun stayed,” she had found herself stating quietly after a pause, if only to fill the subsequent silence where she could practically hear her own mind screaming at her.

“She did.” The slightest of smiles crept onto her lips as she sat back on her heels. “I’m grateful to have you guys."

“Me too,” she exhaled, staring at the strands in her hand before letting herself relax just this once. She let her fingers fall to sharp shoulderblades, her head drooping to rest lightly against the crown of Seulgi’s head as she let the alcohol sway her decision making skills. So much for playing it safe, when she was pretty sure anyone would be able to her the gallop of her heartbeat from miles away. Seulgi didn’t move an inch though, and it made her wonder if she was ignoring it, or just oblivious to it. And it only served to puzzle her further when the older brunette was the first to break their lapse in speech several minutes later, just after Seungwan had thought she had drifted off.

“Your nose is cold.”

She was startled at the time, but quick to lean her head back. “Oh. Sorry."

“Don’t apologise,” Seulgi mumbled, before shifting and lifting herself from her shoulder slowly. Seungwan only just stopped herself from asking her to stay by simply smiling at her when she flashed a guilty look at the damp spot on her shirt.

“I can wash it, it’s fine,” she cut in before Seulgi could say sorry, and after a beat of hesitation the svelte girl relented and relaxed; sitting back on her heels with a tilt of her head and a quirk of her lips.

“Y’know, I like that you’re cold,” she admitted softly out of the blue, innocent as always to the thunder her words had elicited in Seungwan's chest. "You can cool me down, and I can warm you up."

The smiling eyes twinkling at her seemed so suddenly out of place amidst the tears still staining her best friend's cheeks, and it was there that her self-sanctioned restrictions completely faltered. “Sounds perfect,” was all she could say, reaching up and wiping away trails of drying moisture on her friend's cheek until Seulgi caught her arm abruptly. Her fingers were gentle and her grip was light, but there was something in the way she held Seungwan that made her feel like she had just shared the weight of several tonnes on her wrist. It was strangely suffocating, but not at all surprising at that point.

Seulgi was good at making her feel as if she couldn’t breathe.

“Wan-ah,” said girl began after a delayed silence, and it was then that the silent fear and vulnerability in her eyes made themselves clear.

And more than anything, Seungwan wanted to make them go away.

“Y-Yes?” she replied tentatively, praying to every higher power that Seulgi couldn’t see whatever was in her eyes. She knew just how obvious she was being, even while tipsy.

“Please don’t go.” Seulgi moved closer and brought their hands down to her lap — and it was never clear whose doing it was, but at some point their fingers clasped together too easily, too tightly. It felt like Seungwan's hand had been replaced by her ribcage, and Seulgi was merciless in her grip. “Please don’t leave me."

It was a plea for a promise; one that she couldn't bring herself to make. Not when Seulgi had been staring at her so intensely; searching her like she was made of hope and possibility and all the things that wouldn't have been as daunting to see back home. Back in Canada.

They never had a chance to begin with, and there was nothing she could do to change that.

So Seungwan didn’t say a word.

Seulgi kissed her anyway.

And nothing changed the day after, when they woke up on the latter's bed with wrinkled clothes and a faint pounding in their heads, combated by the complaints on their tongues about being utter lightweights. They were lucky the vocal instructor had called in sick at the last minute, and even if Sooyoung's attempts at waking them were for nought in the end, it at least gave them more time to not appear hungover at their afternoon dance session.

But it hit her later, when Seungwan caught herself staring at her friend’s lips for the sixth time in a single hour; and she recalled how they felt against her own.

“Do you remember how much we had?" she eventually whispered to Seulgi near the end of a break, feigning stretches to avoid looking at her.

“Too much,” her willowy companion shrugged, wiping the sweat off her brow before leaning down a bit to lower her voice. “But I probably talked your ear off last night. Do you remember if I said anything weird?"

There. An opportunity to fish for an answer. "You asked me not to leave you,” instead came out as “You told me what you hate,” when Seungwan switched to kneading her legs, and Seulgi paused beside her. They were getting somewhere. “You, uh…you spoke about how you don’t like becoming attached to things easily."

“Oh.” The dancer bent down to touch her toes for a few seconds before rolling her ankles. Her voice had grown quiet then, and it felt almost like the night before. “…I guess the truth really does come out when you’re drunk, huh?”

“I guess,” Seungwan echoed back slowly. Next leg. “Um. You got really clingy as well."

“I did?” Seulgi laughed a little at that, sitting back with a curious grin at the shorter one. “What else did I do?"

A shrug, and a thoughtful hum. “Rolled around on the bed muttering something about Pokémon and ice cream."

The gears seemed to wind in Seulgi’s brain, and Seungwan couldn’t help but let her mouth quirk up at the sight of her perplexed expression. “I’ll take that as a ’nothing’, then,” the taller trainee eventually giggled when she caught the mischievous smile in her friend’s expression. “You…You’d tell me if I did do something embarrassing, right?"

Seungwan managed to scoff playfully, but the feeling of velvet pink flesh still seared her lips and poisoned her mind, and she was too far gone to play pretend as well as she normally would. “Yeah.” She wondered whether or not crossing her fingers would make her feel any less guilty. “Of course."

Apparently her acting skills were top-notch, because Seulgi let it slide and they continued practice and they never brought it up again.

Things have changed since then.

People came and went. Some autidioned and stayed for months, others for a year or so. They made friends with newcomer Park Sooyoung, took care of a Kim Yerim that they never knew they’d perform with, and grew closer with every gruelling choreography and harder-than-usual practice session.

Joohyun stayed, driven and determined and strong as ever. Seungwan kept a promise that she never verbally agreed to, because regardless of drunk kisses and clandestine thoughts, it was her finish line to reach as well.

And of course Seulgi stayed. She constantly talked herself up like she had been doing so for seven years, and even after going through a slump she got back up as if it were as easy as simply tripping. Seungwan always did admire the sheer steadfast ambition in her same-aged friend, and the pride she would feel seeing her power through adversity almost made her forget just how vulnerable she really was.

But years later she still sees it in her eyes; how Seulgi clings to thoughts and feelings, memories and ideas, and allows them to eat away at her like a parasite. And Seungwan can only watch. She watches it like she catches Seulgi watching her, sometimes. She wonders what she sees; if they’re the same sort of vulnerabilities that she knows they’ve become so attuned to in each other. Seungwan knows for sure that one thing that’s stayed true is her best friend’s very persona. A disposition kindred to naïveté, but somehow more mature. More weathered and experienced, yet still so unaccustomed to such inherent human things.

Things like sentimentality.

So when Sooyoung barges into the three-person bedroom one warm June afternoon, muttering something about “Seulgi's cousin’s dead dog,” Seungwan finds herself jumping up without a second thought. She forgets to ask for any details and leaves her phone lying carelessly where she had been sitting, messaging her older sister about university and their parents and things that apparently don’t take much precedence over her group member. Yerim gives her own phone a break to shoot her an odd look out of the corner of her eye, but it’s the expression on the face of the second youngest that catches her off guard.

Sooyoung's eyebrows quirk up almost imperceptibly as soon as she shifts from the bed. Their eyes meet when Seungwan rushes past, and for the briefest of moments the fresh-faced beauty of the group almost looks suspicious. But it’s not important right now, even if there is something far too knowing in Sooyoung’s eyes. Even if she feels those eyes burning on her back, several seconds after she shuts the door behind her.

It’s exceedingly quiet all of a sudden, without the familiar tap-tapping of Yerim’s texting, and she starts to miss Joohyun’s hushed reciting of her character's lines. But she's out filming her webdrama and Seulgi’s here crying and Seungwan has priorities that may or may not lie the same way that they’ve always been since she first saw her best friend as someone she couldn’t lose, rather than someone she could actually keep.

"Seul?" she calls, tries not to come off too frantic, and fails miserably.

"Wan," the dancer responds a few surprised seconds later, sitting up from staring blankly at her hands and sniffing as she does.

There are tear tracks on her cheeks and a red flush to her nose and ears, and it's simultaneously the most disheartening and most adorable sight that Seungwan’s ever been graced with. "Hey,” she starts softly, careful not to jostle the bed as she takes a seat beside her best friend. Close, but not too close. "I heard from Sooyoung. About your cousin's dog."

Another sniff, and a wad of tissue chucked into the bin. "It's okay. I'm okay."

And realistically, she will be okay. She’s the sort of person who can pull herself together in a matter of minutes, and completely skip the rest of the grieving processes to speak fondly of the deceased canine at dinner. Seungwan’s personally seen her bounce back from her lows like it’s common practice, which has always served to awe and and worry her more than she’ll ever say.

Seulgi smiles at her then like she knows what’s going on in her brain, and this is more than likely another little episode of letting the tears out before fixing herself, simple and easy. Ready to move on.

Seungwan stays with her anyway; because she’s always found it hard to move on.

"What breed was it?" she asks as she sits down next to her friend, bouncing the mattress lightly to pull a small giggle from the girl.

"Husky,” Seulgi replied, a mellow smile on her lips. "Kinda small for his age. He was really old."

“Passed from old age?"

“He got really ill, and they had to put him down.” She plays with the edge of her comforter slowly. “Put him out of his misery, you know?"

“Yeah.” She puts a hand on Seulgi’s out of instinct, and relaxes when Seulgi lets her weave their fingers together. They sit in silence, but Seungwan can’t tell if they’re mourning the loss of a furry companion, or just basking in the presence of one another.

She tries not to do the latter. She really does.

“I think…I just tend to cry over things that don’t belong to me,” the dancer utters eventually, and Seungwan freezes as she’s struck with the memory of a lanky girl in a tangerine top, crying over her brother’s late goldfish in a practice room wallpapered with a sky of clouds.

“Seems like a bad habit,” she says, when the image burns behind her eyelids and whispers to the weaker, more vulnerable parts of her mind. The practice room melts into a cramped dorm room on her coming-of-age, and suddenly she’s nineteen years-old again.

But that was then, they whisper. That was then, and this is now.

“Another one to add to the list,” Seulgi smiles, looking wistful and pained in ways that she shouldn’t; ways that make Seungwan wish she could make it all disappear somehow.

“Really,” she murmurs, tucking away a lock of hair that sticks to her tearstained cheek. Seulgi gives her this peculiar look then, and she glances down at their entwined fingers out of something that’s neither nerves or shyness — though she would loathe to admit what else it could possibly be. But then she's tracing her gaze along the shadows of their skin, and eventually focuses on how her hand curls around Seulgi’s.

It feels far too intimate, all of a sudden.

The notion spurs Seungwan to flutter her eyes upward again, and she’s probably tired; but she swears there's a tremble in her best friend's gaze, fixing on the space between them before searching for something in her eyes.

(And really, that —

She just makes it all so difficult.)

“Please don't cry,” the younger one speaks to their hands after a length, brushing her thumb across the back of warm, familiar skin. She hears Seulgi take a deep lungful of air, but she doesn’t register it past the thrum of her heart in her ears. She can’t seem to let go. “You cry enough for the both of us already. It’s…" Adorable. Worrying. Endearing.

Seulgi squeezes her hand gently. “Easier said than done. To stop."

“I guess,” Seungwan laughs a little, and she’s surprised at how humourless it sounds. A hollow chuckle. “You become attached to things way too much…I mean,” she tilts her head to the side thoughtfully. “It’s not bad.”

Seulgi's lips twitch up slightly. “And yet, you look like you want to tell me to stop."

“Because I don’t like it when you’re upset,” the main vocalist answers softly. “Especially if you’re crying."

I don't like seeing you in pain of any kind.

“It’s not. Trust me." Seulgi says with a light grin and a nudge, and something in her snaps silently — more hurt than angry, yet frustrated all the same.

"How can I trust you when you're keeping secrets from me?”

All of a sudden they're not talking about deceased pets and bad habits anymore, and a certain flash flickers across Seulgi’s eyes again — sad and clandestine and hidden in the blink of an eye behind another smile.

"They're not secrets that will magically make things better, if I put them out in the open."

She draws her hand away into her lap and Seungwan reluctantly takes hers back as well, clutching at the hem of her jumper to make up for lost warmth.

It doesn't work.

The growing sense of loss seems to show on her face then, because Seulgi speaks again and turns the tables, and now Seungwan isn't the one here to be comforting, anymore. "As my best friend, I just need you to trust me and let keep my secrets to myself."

"And how do I trust that you’ll be fine like this?” Seungwan tries, restraining the need to reach out for her hand again and hold her until she miraculously becomes okay.

"You can’t,” she continues to smile, as if she hadn’t just discredited herself. "I can tell you that much.”

Seungwan exhales at the same time Seulgi breathes in.

"But I'll get better. That's just the way it is."

It’s reminiscent of their darker times, three years back when Seulgi was going through her slump and all Seungwan could do was stay by her side; help her up every time she fell into a trap of her own spiralling thoughts. This feels a little too similar to it, and she finds her mouth forming words of her heart by itself. "You deserve better, Seulgi."

"A lot of people deserve better than what they get,” the lithe girl shrugs, before dropping a tone as she glances at Seungwan. “Don’t you think you do, too?"

In any other situation with any other person, she would have thought she was being diverted from the original topic on purpose. But this is Seulgi, and Seulgi cares about her too much; even when she catches her gazing at her sometimes with this particular look. As if she hurts and protects her at the same time, in the strangest of ways.

It’s how she imagines she looks at Seulgi, behind closed doors. In other words; it’s a safety hazard.

A safety hazard, and the epitome of what Seungwan’s been trying to avoid for the better part of her time in South Korea.

“I’m fine with what I have,” is what she responds with when Seulgi’s eyes become too heavy on her form, and then there’s a look passed her way that’s oddly more emphatic than pitying. It makes her want to wonder, but she’s done enough of that to drive herself insane.

"You shouldn’t be.” Seulgi sighs, propping her weight behind her with both arms. "No one should get used to heartache."

Heartache, huh?

Seungwan huffs a small, short laugh. "Too bad we can't choose who we fall for, huh?” she says just to bask in all its irony, and then there’s a static silence. Seulgi seems to go still beside her, and when the main vocalist glances over she wishes — not for the first time — that she could read minds. Because there’s a note of surprise colouring her best friend’s eyes, but more than that is the stark affliction in them that’s only seemed to build in recent months. It’s at times like this that she appreciates just how much of a good actress Seulgi is, because no one would be able to look at this girl with spiderweb cracks in her stare, and be able to connect her to the very same Kang Seulgi who captivates people with her ever-bubbly personality and endless optimism.

“Yeah…” she murmurs eventually to frame of the bunk bed across them, and just like that the look is gone; and Seungwan isn’t sure if she wants to be appreciative of her acting skills anymore. "But we can choose who we go to talk to about it,” Seulgi continues, eyeing her now with a concerned frown that Seungwan hates, because it’s there for all the wrong reasons. All because of Seunwan’s own doing; her own lies. "You haven't spoken since the first time you told me."

"I'm doing fine as I am right now,” she says, in a desperate effort to avoid spinning any more illusions for her best friend. “I don’t need to talk about it."

Seulgi looks at her for a single, pensive moment. “It doesn’t have to be about that, though,” she presses on, sitting up straight and turning to her, and Seungwan almost leans back because she’s always remembered all too clearly each time they’ve been in this exact position.

Mainly, the second time. Definitely the second time.

“You can talk about anything that might be troubling you,” Seulgi continues, and Seungwan thinks for the umpteenth time of how it would be a lot easier if Seulgi wasn’t so caring. "To me, or to Sooyoung, Yerim…even Joohyun-unnie herself.” A warm hand reaches out and pats her own, and she stops herself from entertwining them once more. "You've got our managers, our sunbaes. You even have our families to talk to, if my mom's birthday card is anything to go by."

Seungwan laughs at that, recalling the warm memory of tearing up over the various cards sent to her from the Kang, Bae, Park, and Kim households respectively. All congratulating her on her achievements, and all thanking her for taking care of their daughters, as they had each talked about their part-time main vocalist’s full-time job as resident mother of the group as well.

“Actually, sometimes I think she'd have me swapped with you as a Kang in a heartbeat," Seulgi chuckles, suddenly lighter than before. She had read the card over Seungwan’s shoulder, giggling at her family’s words and whining at the subsequent teasing she received from the shorter vocalist's end. "You set awfully high standards for a daughter to live up to, Son Seungwan."

It brings to mind the first time she ever met Seulgi’s parents, and how no matter how hard she tried she still felt like she was meeting in-laws, or something just as daunting. "She loves you, though,” she reminds her softly, planting a tiny smile on her expression. "It makes me miss my own mom, really."

Determination filters into Seulgi’s expression then, and the hand holding hers squeezes gently. "We're going to take you back to Canada sooner or later,” the dancer affirms. "I know Joohyun-unnie's pretty adamant on seeing your house.” The casual but meaningful mention prods at the residual guilt in Seungwan’s stomach, but before she can dwell on it her attention is pulled to the mischievous grin on her companion’s lips. "I especially want to show Sejoon that you do, in fact, own a mansion."

Seungwan makes a face. "But I don’t."

"You say that now,” Seulgi sniffs, giggling as the main vocalist shoves her shoulder lightly.

"I'll make sure to visit as soon as possible,” the shorter girl huffs over-dramatically, shaking her head with mock exasperation.

"You better,” Seulgi mutters playfully. "Do you think we can visit your old schools, too?"

There’s a sort of eager innocence in her eyes that reminds Seungwan of her days back in Canada, and it’s too endearing for her self-established ’safe-zone’, but she finds herself nodding anyway. "I don't see why not,” she shrugs, before deciding to get away from any more emotionally-dsitressing topics at the risk of one of them crying. Or worse. “Now,” she claps her hands together and stands. “What do you say to helping me make dinner?

It draws out a snort of laughter and a teasing eyesmile from the bear-like girl. “Are you sure you want me anywhere near the kitchen?"

Seungwan nods, putting her hands on her hips with a stern look on her face. “Of course. You’re my most trusted helper.” They share a smile, and it feels like they’re back to normal. “Either way I’m not taking ’no’ for an answer. So."

Seulgi beams back, taking her proffered hand and standing with a bounce. “You know I’ll never say ’no’ to you, Wan-ah,” she utters with a hint of a smirk on her lips; one that dissolves into a laugh as Seungwan pushes her playfully in response and shoos her ahead, away into the kitchen. They take up their usual spots — Seulgi at the counter and Seungwan at the stove — and it feels familiar. It feels nice. Like being in love with your best friend, but being okay with it.

Even though it’s not true, she’ll take what she can get. Having Seulgi here hurts her as equally as she imagines it would not to, and she falls back onto that certainty once more. That if she were to choose between taking her chances or cowering away, she would choose the latter. She would. She would.

(She wouldn’t.)

It’s become part of her routine, anyway. Wandering as close as she dares; shying away when it becomes too much; turning to Joohyun to distract herself. All integral in keeping up her four-year facade.

Besides, she’s made too many mistakes already. Like more recently — in her brief trip to Dubai. There are limits to the amount of times you can say these things to your best friend without completely giving yourself away.

So when she looks up from preparing their dinner and catches Seulgi smiling at her, she doesn’t let the “I love you” slip from her tongue.

Not again. She can’t do this again.

And really: what good would come of it, anyway?


	7. interlude ii: tug of war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> {Seungwan is stubborn, and that's all you need know.}

 

Strange things keep happening, as they tend to do a lot nowadays.

For one, Seungwan is being teased by the maknaes much more than usual. It’s always about her nonexistent love life too, which they _know_ is practically a taboo for any idol under the age of twenty–five, yet they keep prodding about her likes and dislikes in a person as if they’re trying to scout someone for her.

Adding to the weirdness of that is the fact that the teasing always seems to stop as soon as Seulgi appears, and as oblivious and off in her own world as she tends to be, their so-called ‘dumb bear’ is not, in fact, dumb. She notices every time, in the curious raise of her eyebrows and the slightest narrowing of her gaze. She just doesn't pry.

Perhaps it's because she doesn’t care, in which case Seungwan would be inclined to follow her lead and ignore the incessant baiting from the younger ones. She also knows that it’s just as likely that their main dancer simply doesn't want to show that she cares, which leaves them both blundering around in the dark at Sooyoung and Yerim's leisure. Seungwan used to able to tell the difference, but now she's not sure of anything, anymore — least of all the cloud of mystery called her best friend. Between their scattered schedules and repetitive setlists for events, they should be making the most of their time to try and talk out whatever’s going on, when practice won't wear them out as much and people are less likely to interrupt.

 Talking itself is a non–issue, since she and Seulgi still interact just as much as before things became blurry between them. It's more a matter of Seulgi herself, and her utter refusal to properly open up about whatever's been making her bounce between treating Seungwan like she has the plague, or looking as if she could hug her all day.

Frankly, it's getting tiring. 

They used to be easy. Everything used to be so much easier up until _some_ point in time, and Seungwan's not sure if that was simply months ago or if everything started going downhill the night of their coming–of–age.

It's all about as infuriatingly messy as the situation with their group activities. Cancellations and postponed comebacks are disheartening enough without the cloud of tension underlying her conversations with Seulgi, and everyone’s mood takes a hit at being shelved. Even the satan duo fall into a slump of less pranks and less laughter. Hyemin stays with them during that time as well, and it helps to have her there not just to keep the kids in line, but to remind Seungwan to keep herself in check, too. It's not like she can afford to keep being an idol _and_ a lovelorn mess all the time, after all. 

Irony of her own character leads her to try even harder to be a Wendy who treats her beloved, bear–like friend, as if they don't keep secrets from each other behind pretty smiles. It's something Wendy would do to be normal with Seulgi, but it's not something best friends do. It's certainly not something _Seungwan_ thinks she should do, but it's all she knows.

They work their way around it as best as they can though, because Seulgi is a trained actress and Seungwan is a habitual liar who’s gotten better at pretending things are okay when they're clearly not. Though, it’s still something she shouldn't really be proud of when Joohyun throws her the occasional look of worry under disapproving frowns.

Apart from all of that, she's coping. Everyone else is doing well enough, physically and mentally, and there's little else to worry about when they have a group OST under their belt and festivals to prepare for, as well as tickets for attending their senior concert.

 For the rest of the month into June they make the most of the free time leftover to relax before any news of their promo start date, so Seungwan tries not to be too surprised when it warrants requests of outings from none other than Seulgi herself. When she mulls over it the day before their first not–date (because it isn’t a date, it really isn’t at all) she knows it makes sense; that when Seulgi approached her after their interview with Byulyi and Yongsun, it was an olive branch she would be mad not to take.

 It doesn’t make it any less daunting to meet her halfway, walking together to the usual hangouts of spontaneous coffee shop lunches wherever they could sneak around, plus irregular spa trips that Seungwan doesn't let herself think too deeply about; especially when they buy couple's packages with the half price vouchers Seulgi's parents gifted her. Within just that week it almost feels normal, and they even go out together on the streets of LA during KCON, wearing matching outfits by Seungwan's oh–so bold suggestion of trying on their new clothes.

 She knows it's all Seulgi's way of making it up to her — this abrupt distance and dissonance — because this is how they've always hung out before things became tense. She was always the one to regularly drag the homebody singer out of the dorm, and the latter almost resents the fact that it's the only thing that hasn't changed between them.

 Yerim had begun tagging along on some of their trips eventually too, which was both a blessing and a curse when Seungwan wouldn’t have to suffer through awkward silences alone, until her paranoia would act up and convince her the bemused glances and harmless 'married couple' jokes were more than what they seemed. It shouldn't have frightened her as much as it did, when Yerim watches shows with LGBT+ characters and prods fun at her for the smallest of things either way. She also seemed more content to talk about what Saeron would think of each place, while Seulgi consistently teased her about her 'girlfriend' and the rest of her celebrity harem.

 It was just weird; the way Yerim would eye them sometimes as if she knew something they didn’t. It’s not like Seungwan can ask her upfront when she can’t even begin to think about what that something could be, and that automatically makes everything worse for her when she starts noticing the same kinds of changes occurring  in the rest of her members.

 Especially during movie nights.

 Something always seems to happen during their movie nights. Seungwan supposes that it's because that's when they're all at their tamest together — even with Yerim's constant running commentary — and it's the one thing that they can all agree on as a group leisure activity.

 (She and Seulgi had always been fine with anything on the agenda, but when it came down to it Joohyun's team laundry scheme clashed with the maknaes' idea of fun; while the latter pair's favourite pastime happened to go against their leader's anti–chicken policy.)

 Regardless, the tranquil pleasure of it all deteriorates as soon as she lets her thoughts run amok under Seulgi's stolen glances. A lot of the times it's near–unnoticeable, but sometimes Seungwan wishes she were blind enough not to see things that send her brain into overdrive.

 Tonight is one of those times.

 "I don't get it."

 Yerim frowns at the television, flicking a honey butter chip idly into her mouth as the main protagonist watches the girl of his dreams walk away.

 “Don't get what?” Sooyoung intones through a mouthful of popcorn, eyes fixed on the screen.

 "Why would he keep quiet if he loves her?” the maknae points out while looking at Seungwan, who can only let her jaw go slack in response. Sooyoung promptly shifts to adjust the snacks in her lap, knocking her elbow into the younger girl’s ribs in the process. “ _Hey_ ! Watch those ape arms of yours, _geez_!"

 "They're…best friends,” Seungwan tries explaining in an attempt to break up the impending squabble, absently wishing Joohyun was here to keep them in check, instead of being at work. "He probably doesn't want to risk changing a relationship so precious to him, even with the possibility of it becoming something greater."

 "So he's a coward,” Seulgi concludes unexpectedly, plucking a kernel from Sooyoung’s bowl. Seungwan raises an eyebrow and watches as the taller one lets her — even moves it within a comfortable reaching distance between them.

 Park Sooyoung never, _ever_ shares her popcorn.

 “Well,” the singer finds herself pausing, eyeing the bowl in question. The green one with yellow accents. “Maybe he is."

 The tallest of them gets up then, grabbing her empty cup as she heads over to the kitchen. Seungwan finds herself eyeing the way she pats Seulgi’s shoulder with a subtle hand.

 “Y'reckon the coward ever considered the possibility of that 'something greater’?” Sooyoung speaks up while refilling her water, as the screen plays a montage of the main character’s unsuccessful journey of trying to move on.

 "Of course,” Seulgi says, oddly agitated as she sits up straighter. "But if something happens later — like a break up of some kind, maybe — I suppose he'd be afraid of facing that, too. He'd be losing both his lover _and_ his best friend."

 “But do you think it would be worth it if he tried, in the end?” Seungwan asks before she can think about what she’s saying, and Seulgi turns to her with a note of alarm in her gaze.

 There’s the slightest of pauses; a hesitant press of drying lips before the main dancer replies. “It depends if you would rather keep your best friend or…try for something more, I guess."

 “ _What would you do?”_ almost leaves her tongue as she tries to read the emotions colouring her groupmate's stare. In the end, the only one she can decipher among them is guarded confusion, and it stops her before she can overstep any boundaries that Seulgi seems to be setting.

 There seem to be a lot more of them, nowadays.

 “Yes, I suppose so,” Seungwan agrees in the end, mindful of the way Seulgi continues to watch her for a second longer before pulling her eyes back to the television screen. All of a sudden there’s a tense silence, and it feels like a few lifetimes rather than mere seconds that float over them like dead water.

 “Ugh, you guys are way too serious with your fan theories,” Sooyoung eventually drawls as she stretches her legs out and sneaks a prod of her toes at Yerim. "Make sure to put in 'Mean Girls’ next to lighten the mood, turtle."

 “There's a cool video edit of us as mean girls, actually,” the youngest snickers to herself, pinching Sooyoung’s calf as she bounces in her seat slightly. “I wonder how many times you can watch the film without getting sick of it."

 “The limit does not exist,” Seulgi chimes in, shares a smile with the two maknaes, and takes a sip of Sooyoung’s drink.

 Seungwan watches the protagonist bite his tongue through the pain of risks not taken, and feels a new wave of sympathy for him.

 

* * *

 

"An OST?"

Two days later and she's trying not to sound so surprised, but receiving a duet to record with Seulgi throws her off more than she cares to admit.

Seungwan looks at her manager before stealing a surreptitious glance at her partner, then finally turns her attention back to the papers in her hand. The lyrics of 'Don't Push Me' stare tauntingly back at her, with its title in bold and 'Red Velvet's Wendy and Seulgi' jotted beside it.

"We're headed to the studio the day after tomorrow for you two to get started," Hyemin confirms, and after a moment of quiet, Seulgi nods.

"Thanks, unnie. I'll look over it." She flashes the woman a smile, and makes her way to her room with a copy in hand. Seungwan remains there with her eyes glued unseeingly to her own paper as the ' _Don’t push me_ ’s and ' _Don’t go_ ’s swim in her vision, ringing in her ears as Seulgi’s murmurs of “Please don’t go,” and “Please don’t leave me,” from a night she should have forgotten; if only she drank more soju.

If only she had pushed her away while she could.

"Is there a problem?" Hyemin pulls her from her thoughts, concern stirring her features and quickly garnering a shake of the head from the main vocalist.

"Ah, um. Not at all, unnie. Thank you." Seungwan bows and heads over to the kitchen to preoccupy herself with unwashed laundry, and thankfully Hyemin drops the subject without prying.

The day after tomorrow arrives all too soon for her, and it's as nerve–racking as going alone when she sits in the car beside Seulgi straight after dinner, overthinking each line of the lyrics she’ll have to sing as she keeps casual conversation with the girl. Going through the motions comes naturally even with her duet partner’s distractingly tight jeans and adorably sleepy smile, and she allows herself a mental pat on the back when they finally arrive at the recording studio before she can slip up and make a fool of herself. 

Hyemin leads them inside to greet the staff of the studio first, and Seungwan allows herself to relax a little after a quick briefing with the audio engineers as they listen to the guide recording. It feels even more real to hear the lyrics that she'll be singing, and her thumb unconsciously catches at her teeth by the halfway point — something she only realises when she glimpses her groupmate reaching up at the edge of her vision.

And when their hands don't touch and Seulgi's arm drops back to her side, Seungwan tries not to be too surprised. In fact, she's pretty sure she's accomplished both that and the art of seeming okay with it, by now. At least until Seulgi leans forward a second later, gentle eyes and hesitant smile closing the gap between them instead, and it’s not like how they used to look at each other, but at least she’s still trying. It’s still something. Seungwan still grins helplessly back at her for it, giving her a thumbs up that Seulgi returns in kind as she stands straight once more, turning her attention back to the staff while the song draws to a finish.

Everything goes smoothly when Seungwan convinces herself that one simple moment like that means that they’re on their way to being _normal_ friends, and following their briefing and a few warm-ups, she’s ready to record it all in one fell swoop and get home as soon as possible. Then the staff announce their decision on testing the solo recordings before bringing them both in, and it's a decision she wholly supports when she opts for the first turn in the booth.

But barely two verses in, she's close to melting on the spot. It was all good and well up until the moment she felt fellow vocalist’s eyes weighing heavily on her form, as if they're back inside the walls of their dorm with only Seulgi’s stubborn silence and Seungwan's desperate glances to fill the space between. It's in the way the former watches her sing every word with an expression she's seen before, too many times to count. 

And if she didn't know any better, she would let herself think Seulgi sees as much meaning in the lyrics as she does. She knows it's ridiculous to even begin going along that particular train of thought though, especially when Seulgi doesn’t even remember kissing her. It's just a song.

_It's just. A song._

"From the top again, please," the man behind the mixing board flashes her a small smile as she finishes, and she nods before preparing herself for another round of trying to ignore Seulgi’s exceedingly intense stare. And really, for someone so gentle by nature, she's got a pair of the sharpest eyes Seungwan's ever fallen victim to.

They're enough to make her palms sweat, and she grips at the hem of her shirt for the entirety of the recording and all throughout the time it takes to swap sides with Seulgi without meeting her gaze. She watches her start without an issue — acting jolly and relaxed as if she hadn't been burning holes through the glass the entire time — and a well of frustration niggles at the part of Seungwan that insists on hounding the other girl until she lays the truth out for her. That Seungwan has done something wrong or Seulgi has second thoughts about their friendship, or anything of the sort.

By the time they pile back into the car (after a lot of awkwardly averted eyes during their proper duet recording), she's decided that any answer at all would satisfy her. Even an answer she won't like. Because even knowing Seulgi secretly hates her guts would be better than not knowing at all — at least she would know what to do then, instead of being lost.

She's tired and dazed enough to bump her head getting out of the car when they arrive home, and Seulgi has one hand laid protectively on her crown before she can even cry out. She's frowning minutely in that endearing way of hers as she inspects her with worried murmurs of "Does your head hurt? You've been looking tired all day, are you sick?" and all Seungwan can do is laugh. She's not sure whether it's at the irony of Seulgi asking about things she wouldn't want to talk about, or Seungwan's own delirious stupidity concerning her (because how could she ever think Seulgi had the capacity to hide hatred or spite like others do?).

She just knows that it sounds real enough for their manager not to bat an eyelid, ushering them inside the dorm and bidding them goodnight in the perfect excuse for Seungwan to follow suit and break away from the warm, slender hands that somehow found their way around her shoulders.

She smiles her thanks, says her brightest "Sweet dreams," and doesn't dare look back as she retreats to her room. Yerim doesn't stir from her sleep as she pushes their obnoxiously creaky door shut, but Joohyun blinks up at her from folding clothes on top of her covers and Seungwan manages a swift, hushed conversation detailing their recording before she's allowed to go to bed.

It's pretty amazing, the amount of times she manages to run her thoughts through endless loops and twists in the space of one fitful night. Seulgi is enough of a human confusion without being in love with her, and it's something Seungwan has to take into account when these past few months have been full of mixed signals and crossed lines that scream _You should be more careful! You_ **_should_** _have been more careful!_ every time she looks her way. So, by the next day, she simply concludes that she's screwed just by thinking about her.

She's also screwed by thinking about _not_ thinking about her.

Unless she could employ some reverse psychology on herself to outsmart her brain and think about not thinking about her in order to think about her but then _not_ actually think —

"Pay attention, Seungwan."

The iron in her right hand halts, and she jolts her left back with a hiss. Joohyun doesn't even spare her a glance as she sets a neatly folded sweatshirt aside and hurries to the kitchen, returning in seconds with a bag of frozen peas.

There's no reprimand on her tongue, but the slight furrow in her leader's brow is a mix of concern and the disappointment you only see in mothers scorning their child.

(Seungwan instantly feels so small under her stare.)

"Sorry," she mumbles, holding the bag to her finger when prompted.

"Like I said,” Joohyun sighs. "Pay attention. Or you'll keep on hurting yourself for no reason."

Seungwan can't help but reply with a sigh of her own. "Easier said than done," she mumbles as she picks at the makeshift ice pack, only to pause a second later as she processes her words properly.

Joohyun takes that as an opportunity to pick up the iron in her stead, nudging her further along the sofa before casting her a questionably knowing look. “I know _I_ think too much by myself, but you're thinking this through way more than you need to," she says simply, and Seungwan blinks at her, perplexed.

A meaningful raise of defined eyebrows later, and the realisation begins to dawn on her in the form of anxiety. "We're still talking about ironing, right?" She tries to come off joking, but Joohyun just stares at her for a second more before turning back to her work with a shrug.

Seungwan gulps. “Unnie?"

Joohyun just shrugs again. “You can talk about ironing. I’m talking about the way you keep looking at me like you’re trying not to look at Seulgi.”

There’s a certain inflection in her tone that leaves no more room for argument or protest, and all Seungwan can think of are colourfully worded variations of _Oh, crap_ and _Shit, she knows_.

“Yes, I do,” her leader drawls, the tiniest twitch of a smug smile on her lips as she observes the flabbergasted expression taking over Seungwan’s features. “And yes, you said that out loud. So, how long are you going to keep this up?”

“It’s — I’m not —“

“Seungwan.” Joohyun levels her with stern eyes as unmercifully reprimanding as her eleventh grade maths teacher, before sighing. “Geez. No wonder you’ve been acting so weird around Seul _,_ lately.” 

“How…” She bring her thumb to her teeth and pauses; puts it back down. “How do you figure?"

“Well, it’s been some time since you last snuck out of your bed." A t–shirt is plucked from the laundry pile, and Joohyun pointedly ignores the way the younger girl's jaw slackens at her words. “Though I've been meaning to ask, does Seulgi still kick in her sleep?” 

Seungwan almost drops her peas.

“P–P–Pardon?”

Joohyun doesn't even glance at her as she straightens out wrinkled sleeves. “Seulgi. Does she still kick in her sleep?”

The main vocalist sputters for a moment. “I — That — _You_ —?“

“I also used to sneak into her bed during our trainee days, whenever there were thunderstorms." She snorts slightly, a fond smile on her lips that Seungwan normally sees she talks about her younger sister, back home in Daegu. “It was one of the only times where I was more childish than her, back then."

“Cute," Seungwan mutters with a small smile at the mental image it creates, and a swift pinch instantly meets her side.

Joohyun just chuckles at her squeak of surprise, sliding the iron smoothly over pale creases of cotton. “Really though, since you were sleeping there a lot —“

“Wha — no! _No._ “

She gets a roll of the eyes, this time.

“ _Yes_." Joohyun pokes her with a hanger before the finished shirt is slung onto it. “Come on Seungwan, I’m your _leader_ ,” she huffs, as if that explains everything.

(It kind of does.)

The younger girl can only open and close her mouth wordlessly, until she pulls herself together a few beats later with a quiet, “Right…"

Joohyun folds the freshly ironed top and places it on a neat pile next to her. "Well? You didn’t answer my question.”

Seungwan gulps. There's no way Joohyun would be asking and borderline _teasing_ her about it if she wasn't at least a little bit okay with the idea. _And if she already knows, then…_

“She doesn’t." It feels like a peculiar load off of her chest as she watches her unnie reaching for a pair of jeans to get to work on. “She sleeps like a log, actually.”

"A snoring log?"

"Less snoring, sometimes."

Joohyun hums. "'Sometimes', as in when you're hugging her like a koala?"

The frozen peas slip to the floor with a crunch of ice and plastic. Seungwan barely begins to form a coherent response that's not an embarrassed squeak or quiet screaming, and that’s when Sooyoung bursts through the front door, armed with a bag of snacks in hand and a cry of, "The saviour is here!"

“I paid for the food, what does that make me?” comes a whine straight after as Seulgi shoulders her way through the entrance in her wake.

All she gets is a laugh. “'Daddy's Wittle Princess', remember?”

“I call dibs on being the dragon!” Yerim calls out immediately, waltzing in behind them. “Hyun–unnie is the fairy godmother!"

"And let me guess, Seungwan is the noble steed?” Joohyun concludes, flashing her what can only be a smirk.

She stands as Seungwan picks up the ice pack, walking over to the trio to take some bags and place them carefully on the table as Sooyoung chortles and says something about Seungwan being 'Princess Charming’; bringing an unwanted blush to said girl's cheeks that the taller girl waggles her eyebrows at.

"Hey, did you bring my Downy?" Joohyun sounds more childlike than ever as she bounds up to Yerim, propping her hands on her shoulders as Seungwan rummages through a bag of Pepero.

"Of course, what kind of kids do you think we are?"

"Eh. 'Delinquents' come to mind."

"Hey…"

“And you know we’re not feeding an army, right?” the shorter dancer remarks at Seulgi's exaggerated pout, reaching over to take a box of strawberry Pepero and raising an eyebrow at an adamant Sooyoung.

“I know," she states, and Seungwan chuckles.

“Seems more like we’re feeding two demons and a bear–sloth hybrid."

“ _Hey!_ ” the trio yells back at her, and she just laughs even louder.

“Well, it’s not like we can’t just save whatever’s left over for later,” she reasons with a meaningful look at the maknaes, who both give her a thumbs–up before skipping away with at least a dozen boxes in their arms. 

Three hours later there’s nothing to be saved at all, and while Seungwan knows the demon duo are obedient enough to adhere to their diet plan, she also knows they have ways of storing away snacks in hidden locations like nuts for winter. Seulgi complains about it the most that night, and when Seungwan tries to extend an offering of going to buy more, she's quickly shot down by Sooyoung's uncharacteristic relinquishment of her strawberry Pepero stash.

It's an offer Seulgi can't refuse of course, and Seungwan tries not to let it ruin her evening. She really does. She just…falls asleep later than usual, when all she can think about is at what point did Sooyoung become Seulgi's new best friend, and why on earth is it so difficult to drift off without the group’s teddy bear beside her? Playing on her phone until the wee hours of the morning can only help her so much when it comes to tiring herself out, and the only thing to make up for it is the fact that the next day is free for relaxation yet again. Generally that should mean a total lie–in for everyone: especially their resident sleepyhead.

But Seulgi, as unpredictable as ever, is nowhere to be found.

She’s not in her room when Seungwan wakes up and checks in, and that’s considering _she’s_ the early bird of the group and Seulgi’s the constantly hibernating bear cub. Then there’s a note on the fridge saying she’s gone out to watch a movie, but Seungwan finds her usual hat and sunglasses in the main room, and the only other person who’s awake claims that Seulgi got up before she did.

Joohyun is suspiciously blasé about it when Seungwan decides to lightly interrogate her in the kitchen. The only thing her leader does is tell her exactly what time she saw the girl leave before calmly ordering her to settle down and "Relax, Seulgi will be back soon."

Needless to say, Seungwan uses that time to just bite her thumb and wait for a reply to her six consecutive texts that border on hysterical when she reads back through them.

_Where are you?_

_Saw your note. Why didn't you take your hat and glasses?_

_Call me when you get this._

_Or text if you can't call right now._

_Seul, it's been almost an hour already._

_Seriously, where are you?_

When nothing comes back within the first ten minutes of sending the latest text, Seungwan announces that she's going to go and have a look around the city herself. She's promptly forced onto the sofa by a stern–looking Joohyun, who sighs at the younger one's pout and insists that Seulgi's perfectly fine.

"Just eat breakfast and call her later," she insists as Yerim bounces in with Sooyoung before she can get up, plopping down on the seat next to her and rambling about all the free time they've gotten at the cost of delaying the promotions she's been waiting for _forever_. For some reason Sooyoung has decided to be extra clingy today, and she latches onto Seungwan's arm for a good fifteen minutes to repeatedly ask for pancakes — all while Joohyun grumbles about how the girls are even this energetic in the morning.

It's only after they weedle out a breakfast and wolf it down in record time that Seungwan is able to sulk properly, cleaning the mess left behind and sighing as Joohyun's hands land on her shoulders and squeeze comfortingly.

"She'll be back soon," the older one says with a small smile, a spark of knowing in her eyes that's wholly embarrassing yet comforting to see, given their enlightening conversation the other day.

"Right," Seungwan murmurs back, the frown easing up on her lips as she turns to her companion, watching for a long moment as her leader shuffles about to tidy the mess left behind by the two youngest of their group. There's a small dip in her brow as she mutters under her breath about their utter lack of cleanliness, and it's as she makes to gather the dirty dishes that Seungwan speaks up with a tentative, "Unnie."

Joohyun gives her a hum of acknowledgement, but it's only once she notices the consequent silence that she looks up. She seems to spot the solemnity in Seungwan's stare immediately, and lowers the cup in her hand with a quiet, "Yes?"

Seungwan takes a deep breath, and decides not to beat around the bush. "Do you know what's going on with Seulgi?"

The cup falters before being set down, and it’s more of an answer than the faint, "Seulgi…?” that she gets in reply.

"The way she's acting. Especially around me." A loose thread from her jumper finds its way between her fingers, rolled and pulled at nervously as worries her lip. "I don't know, it's just felt strange since the end of our last promotion, and after I got back from Dubai we've gotten even weirder.” Her mind shoves images of increasing familiarity to the forefront of her mind. Away from prying eyes of the public — the staff they work with, even — are where the fleeting glances are abundant, accompanied by barely–there touches and wayward steps taken just to avoid crossing paths. "…Especially Seulgi." _Mostly Seulgi._

"You mean —" Something seems to stop the older girl at that moment, her lips pressing together with a flicker of indecision in her eyes before she exhales. "What do you think it is, if Seulgi's really being as weird as you think she is?"

Seungwan frowns slowly. "I think you know what it is, but you don't want to tell me."

There's hurt in her eyes that lines her words, and she knows Joohyun can see it clear as day when the elder one reaches out for her again. "It's not in my place." Her hand is warm — not warm enough to stave away the cold in Seungwan's fingers; only to provide the comfort that exudes from her very presence. “But,” she squints slightly, visibly rolling words in her mouth, "shouldn’t you know?"

“…What do you mean?"

“I meant what I said.” The older one shifts uncomfortably, fingers pressed to the table "It's just not in my place to tell."

"Then who am I supposed to ask?" she sighs, realising the answer just before Joohyun responds to her.

"The one you’re worried about," she states, setting the dishcloth down at last. "You're best friends. You can work it out, whatever happens."

Seungwan frowns a little at her purposefully vague wording, considering _she's_ the only one who seems to know exactly what's wrong with Seulgi. "Well yes, but…"

Joohyun rests her chin on her hand. "Does she talk to you much?"

The singer nods, halts, then shakes her head. “We used to be able to talk about everything."

"You have to make her talk. She's like a little kid,” she rolls her eyes slightly. “Too stubborn to talk about things that she doesn't _want_ to talk about."

Seungwan can't help but smile at the exasperation lining her voice. "You know her well."

“She’s become a sister to me, over the years.” Joohyun looks pointedly at her then. "You all have, truthfully. Which is why I worry about you so much. You especially."

Seungwan bows her head slightly. "Sorry."

"Problem child," she accuses with a smile. "Don't be. I just want you to take better care of yourself."

"My diet isn't all that bad, and I'm getting more sleep nowadays," she parries, and Joohyun shakes her head.

"So you've told us," she says. “But you know that's not what I mean, right now."

The stubborn spark in her leader's eyes tells her she's fighting a losing battle with a de facto matriarch who knows exactly what she's talking about, and Seungwan tries not to seem like a petulant child when she gives up with slumped shoulders and a quiet, “Fine.”

Joohyun raises an expectant eyebrow. “Fine…?”

Seungwan sighs. “Fine, I’ll try to take better care of myself.”

The older girl does a complete about–face then and grins, reaching out to pull her up from her seat and patting her rear with gusto. “Good, you can start by eating breakfast with me. Come on."

Despite Seungwan's protests, she ends up having two kimchi pancakes practically shoved down her throat by an insistent Joohyun, who claims to have been spurred on by the audible grumble of her stomach.  There's the unmistakable cackle of the maknaes doing God–knows–what in her room, and then there are the faint notes of some acoustic melody coming from Sooyoung and Seulgi's room, so she decides to head in with the intentions of turning off the music and reprimanding their tallest for leaving her audio on again.

Only, the sight a bundle of part–girl, part–bear in Seulgi’s bed greets her when she steps into the room, and she stops at the sight before wandering over.

“Seul?" she whispers, reaching out to pat the humanoid lump before pausing. "When did you get back?"

"Couple 'f minutes ago," the Seulgi–shaped figure mumbles after a moment, her voice muffled slightly in her pillow. "Saw you were busy cooking with unnie, so."

"Are you okay?” she pries. "Did something happen?"

Seulgi peeks over the top of her comforter for a moment with squinted eyes, and Seungwan is suddenly reminded of a sleepy tiger instead of a bear. "What do you mean?"

"Did anyone recognise you, or something? You didn't reply to my texts."

The frown grows deeper, and she just about stops her hand from smoothing it out. "What texts?” her friend says with that illegally cute scrunch of her nose, and okay; this is getting difficult.

"These ones,” Seungwan manages to point out anyway, holding up her phone and the largely one–sided conversation on screen.

“Oh!” Seulgi sits up slightly, eyes wide with apology. "I forgot to turn on my phone after the movie, sorry."

"It's okay,” she mumbles. "So long as you're safe and sound."

A smile. "They should call you the bear of the group instead. You’re like a mama bear."

"I think I'll stick with being called a hamster, thanks,” she grumbles back, moving to sit near the foot of the bed. A stiff bump beneath her leg makes her stand once more though, flipping the corner of the duvet back to reveal a small, navy blue book. "Huh. What’s this?"

Seulgi reaches out to pull it onto her lap. "Nothing important."

"Sure," Seungwan says slowly, reclaiming her seat. "Your diary?"

"Not really," her friend grins back. It cracks nervously at the edges. "My thought–book."

"That's a diary."

"A diary is a daily record of one’s events and experiences," Seulgi cites, before holding up her 'thought–book'. "This is just a sketchbook that I write things in. Thoughts, feelings, drawings. That kind of stuff."

Seungwan eyes it carefully. "Can I see some?"

The vulnerable flicker in Seulgi's eyes is to be expected when they're still openly laying out lies of omission beneath their usual camaraderie. It pushes Seungwan off kilter nonetheless, and she can only watch quietly as the dancer flashes her a small smile and clutches the sketchbook tight to her chest. “Maybe. Eventually."

The need to poke further pushes her onwards still. "Am I in there?"

Seulgi's fingers tap on the sleek blue cover. "In here?"

Seungwan nods and dares to lean closer. "As a thought, a feeling. A drawing. Am I?"

"Sure you are," comes her answer, following a pregnant pause. "Everyone is. You guys have your own separate pages."

"You've been keeping tabs on us?"

"I've been using you guys for observational practice,” Seulgi corrects her. "You're all pretty dynamic. Especially _you_."

Seungwan laughs at the familiarity of words said by their leader a mere handful of minutes beforehand. "Does that mean I have more content than the others?"

"Possibly."

"Now I _really_ want to see."

"Seungwan..."

"Please?” she reaches out, patting the cover of the book gently. "Pretty please?"

"With aegyo, this time."

"Evil bear,” she growls playfully, flicking her arm before relenting and leaning back. Her heart doesn't stop stuttering and cursing at her until several seconds later, when she clears her throat. “I saw you wrote one about snow. You said so on your UFO, a while back."

“Oh yeah.” She watches her clutch at the edges of the notebook, picking at the corners. “Sort of."

They lapse into a stagnant silence when Seungwan only nods, sitting with too–loud breaths until Seulgi visibly relaxes beside her. It’s the closest they’ve been in a long while, and Seungwan savours it for as long as she can as her rationale weakly tells her to move away. Then Seulgi sits up suddenly.

"Wan–ah."

She raises her eyebrows at her. "Mm?"

A worried lip, and a tiny frown. "Can I hug you?" she asks softly, setting her book aside as Seungwan’s world stops; and this is the pull before Seulgi inevitably pushes her away again, she knows. She also knows that she can’t refuse. She never can.

(In what universe would she ever be able to say no?)

"Of course.” She acquiesces and holds her arms out with a small smile, and then —

Then Seulgi leans in close. One hand touches the covers beside her, the other lands on her thigh as if she doesn't know how to initiate it; and Seulgi is all she can see, all she can hear. There’s a hitch to someone’s breathing — Seungwan can’t tell who, anymore — and she can’t look away. Seulgi is just _there_ , like a suspended animation with mere inches between them as she searches for something in her eyes. So she lets her hands reach up and her eyes fall shut, closing the distance in the only way she knows how.

“Wan-ah,” sounds faintly by her ear in a whisper, and Seungwan just remains silent as she shakes her head and hugs her tighter, bearing through against the squeeze of her chest; because Seulgi had been looking at her like she could kiss her and remember it this time, and it’s not —

She’s not brave enough to take those chances, anymore.

Not when Seulgi wraps her arms around her a second later with a familiarity that stings cruelly at the backs of her eyes.

“Your nose is cold,” she comments, and Seungwan can’t help but hold her closer.

“Then warm me up. I’ll cool you down."

The words feel heavy on her tongue — a memory of a promise forgotten, but kept all the same — and she swears she hears something mumbled against her collar, but Seulgi's music is just a notch too loud to be certain and Seungwan doesn't know if she's suffering more from sleep deprivation, or a piteous case of wishful thinking. And like a trick of the eye ( _or the mind; maybe the heart_ ) it’s over before she can think to ask about it.

"You smell nice," Seulgi states matter–of–factly as she pulls away a safe distance, and it sounds nothing like the “I’m sorry,” that she swears she heard, but Seungwan is hit once again by the familiarity of having her sitting beside her like this. She isn't being comforted over a very gay and very justified panic attack this time, but it feels similar all the same when she's being stared at as if she's about to crumble to pieces.

"I know," the smaller one says with a slight chuckle. "You told the fans."

She watches a bashful smile flit across her face like a falling star. "I told _one_ fan," she insists, looking a little more relaxed around her for the first time in a while.

"Creep," Seungwan mutters, chuckling as her companion's expression turns impish. "What did you have to eat this morning?" she asks a few beats later, nudging her lightly. "Did you _have_ anything to eat?"

Seulgi makes a vague sound that's neither a 'yes' or a 'no', and Seungwan sighs.

“Seulgi.” She pokes her again, before sighing as she musters the sternest voice she can. " _Kang Seulgi_."

"' _Unnie',_ to you," the dancer simpers in return, and Seungwan rolls her eyes. A smile spreads on her lips against her will, and she wonders for the umpteenth time if this is all worth it — holding herself back.

It could be easy.

It could be like this, but more.

"You haven't eaten, have you?” she says a little more quietly, shaking her head and patting her groupmate’s shoulder as she gets up. "Come on, I'll make you something."

"No!”

As soon as she stands she’s tugged back down by thin fingers wrapping around her wrist — not tight ( _never tight_ ), but insistent enough to keep her there.

"I'm not hungry." Right on cue, there's a loud growling noise that causes Seulgi to flush pink and cover her tummy with her hand, attempting to silence it as she amends, "I'm not _that_ hungry."

"Your stomach begs to differ," Seungwan scoffs lightly, and moves to leave once more. But Seulgi still clutches at her stubbornly, and there's something about this that feels familiar.

"Don't go,” she says then, and it would probably sound playful to anyone else, but Seungwan isn’t anyone else. Seungwan is someone who's heard it before — from a trainee on her coming–of–age, ready to plead for pacts of uncertainty and kiss her friend to seal them.

She tenses and pauses, breathes a sigh of defeat, and pokes a duvet–covered side. "Come with me then, you lazy bear."

Seulgi groans, and finally relinquishes her hold as she turns over in the covers to face her. "Stay with me instead, you cold–hearted chipmunk."

“Hamster,” she corrects offhandedly.

"And squirrel, I've seen,” Seulgi quips, reaching for her sweater sleeve again. “Now come on, just —“

“No —"

“ _Wan–ah —"_

" _Seulgi_ —"

They stop abruptly.

Well, Seungwan stops struggling. Seulgi stops trying to pull her down. But her hands keep their hold on her arms, and Seulgi —

Seulgi just stares at her.

Blank. Unreadable.

“This feels kinda familiar,” she says stiffly, visibly trying her damnedest to ease the sudden awkwardness in the air.

“I —" _Not again, not again —_ "What, did you dream about this, you pervert?"

Seulgi turns red and it’s a sight that calls for a camera, but then she’s gently pushing Seungwan away with a snort and the moment is gone. “I'm not _that_ imaginative."

Seungwan plasters on a smile at the jibe. "You'd think having your head stuck in the clouds so much would mean you were."

Seulgi half–scoffs, half–laughs, standing and stretching her arms as she heads towards the door. "You wish I was, you mean."

_You have no idea._

"That's about as likely as me dreaming of you,” Seungwan chuckles, playing along as she goes to follow.

"Is that because you're too busy dreaming about Joohyun–unnie?” comes the nonchalant counter, and she almost walks into the dressing table as Seulgi casts a teasing smile at her over her shoulder.

She had forgotten all about her unintentional facade again, just like every other time she let herself get too comfortable with being close to Seulgi. And that's when an impulse seizes her out of nowhere, flaring up instantly at the expectation in her friend's eyes.

Somehow, it looks more like a challenge this time.

“No,” is what she decides to say as she walks up to her, lips curling slightly to combat the honesty of her words. “Because I don't."

It’s airy enough to pass as unremarkable, yet Seulgi seems to freeze as Seungwan sidesteps her and opens the door, and _okay —_ she has no idea what she’s just implied.

(She kind of does.)

She definitely doesn’t know what Seulgi's reaction means.

(She really doesn’t.)

"Surprising,” the other girl replies with eventually as she trails after her, audibly trying to come off more jesting than genuinely surprised.

Seungwan tries not to read too much into it, but the curt response only makes the hopeful, naive part of her wonder if there’s something she’s not seeing.

( _Pay attention, or you’ll keep on hurting yourself for no reason.)_

She looks back at Seulgi and catches her staring right back, eyes meeting for a split second before Seungwan focuses on moving forward.

(…Joohyun always knows more than she lets on. Like the fairy godmother she never knew she needed.)

“Hey, Seo Hyunjin–sunbaenim's drama is on in a few minutes. Do you wanna watch?” the taller girl asks abruptly as she bounces up and matches Seungwan's pace in an about–face that leaves her reeling.

“Yeah, sure,” leaves her lips before she can think about the internal meltdown she's just agreed to, since watching television alone with Seulgi was a much better idea when they weren't performing multiple elaborate, push–pull dances around each other. “But first, what do you want to eat?”

“Uh, I was just gonna microwave the leftovers from last night.”

“I can make something.”

“You don’t have to make something."

“I _want_ to make something.”

“ _I_ want to eat leftovers."

It earns her a playfully scornful glare as Seungwan reaches out to block her way to the fridge. Then she pauses and looks away, Joohyun’s words pushing her to bite the bullet and confront her fellow vocalist while she can still speak to her like a friend. "…Seul."

She tilts her head. "Yeah?"

"Something's…bothering you,” she states, and her companion shrugs as if it hasn’t been apparent for the past few months.

“You won’t let me eat leftovers."

Seungwan disregards the obvious deflection with a pleading expression. “Can you —” She clicks her tongue and turns to lean back lightly against the refrigerator door. "Can you talk to me, Seul?”

"I _am_ talking to you."

"But you're not —“

That look in her eyes is back again, softening and fading as quickly as it appears, and Seungwan sees it clearly; cuts herself off with a purse of her lips.

“Forget it. Let’s just get your dumb leftovers and —“

“I want to talk to you.”

The door swings open and a wave of cool air greets her as she stills, her hand frozen on the handle.

“Is that what you want to hear?” Seulgi continues almost indignantly, and Seungwan shuts the door.

“Is that what you really want?” she retorts, too tired to be annoyed or even frustrated at her stubbornness.

It seems to set Seulgi back a peg nonetheless as she bites her lip for a long moment. “I…Yes. I’m just — not ready, right now,” she admits softly, glancing down at her feet before lifting her gaze once more. “Is that okay?”

Seungwan can’t tell whether she’s on her way to winning a proper discussion or losing her mind over a matter of the heart, but she sees a certainty that she can trust, and she nods. “Yeah,” she murmurs, turning around to open the fridge again. “Yeah, of course.”

“Okay,” Seulgi exhales, and moves towards her with a jut of her chin towards the top shelf inside. “I’ll just…grab my food, then."

Seungwan shakes her head even as the box of kimchi fried rice escapes her grasp. “No, it’s okay, I can —"

“I’ve got it, Wan–ah,” the lead vocalist reiterates with that gentle force of hers, and the shorter one presses her lips together. It seems like an apology, so she obeys and backs down, settling against a countertop and trying not to look as huffy as she feels.

“You should really stop with that frown of yours.”

Of course, like with many Seulgi–related things, she fails.

“I can’t help it if I’m concerned,” she mutters, and it garners a cocked eyebrow from the other girl as she puts her meal in the microwave with a flick of the dial.

“Concerned?"

Seungwan leans against the counter, her expression a cross between a smile and a quizzical frown. "Yeah, I’m concerned. I'm your best friend, aren't I?"

There’s only the sound of clinking silverware and rifled cupboards for a moment as Seulgi falters. Then she brandishes a mug from the upper shelves, and reaches for the fridge.

"Sometimes I wish you weren’t."

Her voice cuts through the steady whir of the microwave to fall quiet and stark on Seungwan’s ears, and it’s so sudden that all she can manage is a startled, "Pardon?"

Seulgi bites her lip; shrugs one shoulder. “Concerned,” she replies, after a beat. “You worry so much about everyone. Often too much. It’s bad for your health."

Seungwan resists the urge to ask her if that’s what she really means, and the result is an awkward breath of laughter. “This is beginning to sound familiar."

The dancer just gives her a wry smile as she hefts a carton of milk out and shuts the door, and Seungwan looks away. The conversation is dropped as they let the silence seep in between them once again, accompanied only by the sound of Seulgi rummaging for cutlery and the humming oven in the background. She debates starting up another discussion to ease the stiffness in the air, but nothing safe comes to mind and she just lets herself lean back against the counter in mute company. Seulgi’s presence is still as soothing as it's always been even with the added blankets of tension though, and soon enough Seungwan finds herself diving back into her mess of overactive thoughts.

She doesn’t know exactly how long she stands there once everything tunes out, even while she’s counting the seconds it takes for four years worth of knots to loosen in her stomach. It's all drowned out by vain efforts at not mulling over the warm milk, the searching hands, the sleeping pills, the furtive looks, the safety beneath the sheets —

She sighs.

The tightness of her chest is always getting harder to ignore.

“Here."

An arm is nudged against her shoulder, and she looks up. “Milk?” She blinks up at the taller girl, who just nods as she holds out the mug. She forgoes adding the "Again?" that initially made its way to her mouth.

“You looked like you needed it."

Seulgi still speaks softly, now with a certain playful lilt that Seungwan’s always been weak for.

It's disarming as ever, and it's dangerous. So, so dangerous.

“Thank you.” She tries not to look like she’s accepting a lit fuse as she takes the drink from Seulgi’s hands, but there’s too much hesitation in the way she moves. She can feel the familiar atmosphere dissipating into awkwardness yet again, and hastens for something to fill it. “Isn’t milk meant for mending broken hearts, though?” is all she can think of, and it grants a shrug.

“I suppose so,” Seulgi replies, walking past her with a halfway smile and a box of freshly reheated rice in hand.

There's something more to it, Seungwan knows. She's known for some months now, especially with the first time she was given warm milk. Between her hapless infatuation and the searching glances from Seulgi, there’s little else she can think of doing besides a reevaluation of their whole relationship. Best friends shouldn’t be dancing in aimless circles around each other; she knows.

This _needs_ to be fixed.

“Seungwan?”

She scurries to the sofa at the call with her drink held carefully between both hands, sitting down somewhere between Seulgi and the armrest as the television flickers on, and a commercial break fills the pause. “Are we watching the drama, then?” she inquires, blowing gently at the rise of steam from her mug. Seulgi munches on a mouthful of rice and wordlessly passes her the remote, and Seungwan takes it without looking or turning to her fully, for fear of —

_(Fear of what?)_

Seulgi tries to offer her a few bites once she changes the channel and Seungwan declines, swallowing hard as she gives in and glimpses the spark of her eyes captivated by the action on the screen; the way her hair falls over them and tickles her cheek. Things like these are things she’s always paid too much attention to, and it’s always been the bane of her desire to be a good friend. The best she could be.

It’s as if the dancer is doing it on purpose when she tucks mahogany tresses behind her ear and shakes her head slightly. “This is nice,” she murmurs, smiling slightly as Seungwan blinks at her. “Doing this with you, again."

It makes her twist around properly just to fire back a jesting remark, but Seulgi’s hiding her mirth behind the rim of her mug — and there it is. Warmth blossoming in her veins to flush her skin pink; and incessant thoughts of wanting to see it so much more than she already does. Seungwan folds her legs closer to herself, away from Seulgi, and tries to swallow down the hummingbird rhythm in her chest.

It’s been so long, and yet it’s still so difficult.

Even now, there’s too much time to think about it. Too much time to scare herself over something she thought she left behind as an eighteen year–old, yet too little knowledge to even fathom an appropriate way of going about it. How do you stop yourself from falling back into your old ways if it’s constantly there as a walking, talking, smiling reminder?

(The same way you stop yourself from falling for your best friend in the first place, Seungwan would bet.)

The ramyun advert  ends as Seulgi hisses quietly at a mouthful of rice that burns her tongue, and the main vocalist has to stifle the fond quirk of her lips before it can consume her.

She hasn’t been doing a good job of it: this distancing. Claiming her place at Seulgi's shoulder, sneaking into her bed, sharing smiles and glances of intimacy between the stark silences…

It needs to stop. She’s been meaning to stop for a while now, but it’s instances like this, when they’re alone, that brings her back to square one. Back to that practice room with talks of the future. Back to that cramped bed and its unanswered pleas, and lips meeting lips like they could be like _that_.

 _Like breaking a habit_ , she reminds herself, right as her companion shifts and accidentally brushes their legs together. It throws her off briefly, and of course that would be the moment where Seulgi gives her a tentative smile from the other end of the sofa.

Seungwan swallows; breathes in at the sight.

_Because bad habits have to be broken._

 


End file.
